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Little
Jessica Perkins uses her dad's rotting ballsack
as a filthy pinata. I once had one of those drinks,
the pinata colada when I was in the Vietnam war.
We had just unloaded one of the supply trucks
and we were sitting around and Eddie Festerman
says "hey, let's see if one of those Jap
Russian Viet Cong broads will put out" and
then we went to this bar and they gave me a pinata
colada and Eddie went upstairs with some Commie
Viet Cong broad and then they both came back down
10 minutes later and ever since that day, Eddie
walks bowlegged and he's got sores all over his
goddamn arms. We called an artillery strike on
that bar.
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A
giant green vagina attempts to spit out the retarded
hellspawned mutant festering inside. One time
I saw a bear climb out of the inside of a fucking
tree, it was the craziest thing ever because I
don't know how the fuck a goddamn bear got inside
a tree but I swear to God I saw it and NO, I WASNT
DRINKING AT THE TIME. I had a few beers and shots
of whiskey before, but I wasn't drinking at the
time. Then the bear started eying my lawn furniture
and I knew he was going to try and steal my shit
and take it all back to Bear County or wherever
so I wrestled him to the ground and hit him with
a wooden block that has a key tied to it (I stole
it from the local 7-11).
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This
dopey carpetheaded simp tried to overcharge me
on a package of Lucky Strikes so I busted into
his little cubical and shoved his head into the
Leprechaun Dispenser until he was bleeding from
the neck down. I know how much Lucky Strikes cost,
they're a buck fifty and they've been that way
since 1978 so don't ever try to rip me off because
I can see through every scam out there buddy.
I know how they get you in that Publishers Cleaning
House Sweepstakes thing, you sign up and then
they put that compass in your house and they are
able to see what TV shows you're watching and
they spy on you. Don't ever enter the Cleaning
House, you'll fucking regret it and turn into
a goddamn zombie or whatever.
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The
Lardmobile hauls a fresh batch of white trash
down to hell. One time I fell into a pool but
it was winter and they had the pool tarp on, so
I was all twisted up inside the pool tarp and
the temperature was like -200 degrees and it took
me about 10 minutes to get out of that thing and
all my clothes fell off because I think there
was a sea hag underneath it and she tried to molest
me. You fucking bitchfucks better learn to respect
us vets or some day this country will be in trouble
and we might not decide to show up and fly those
jet tanks around to blow up the Russians! Think
about that the next time you see me in Winter
running away from a pool naked, you stupid saps.
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I don't know what this is, but
I found it in my gutter last week when I was trying
to figure out where the hell that "bunk-ow
bunk-ow" noise was coming from. I thought
another cat had escaped from my Correctional Closet
and somehow got on the roof and was stuck there
and trying to escape by hammering his way out,
but there was no cat up there. AND my hammer is
still missing, so I don't know what the hell to
make of this whole thing. If you've seen my hammer
send me a computer message and I'll come over
and pick it up and maybe use the pointy end of
it to pry your eyes out like they tried to do
to me during the European War.
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