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"Art" - Timeless Mystique, MS Paint is Thy Name!

A true artist doesn't need a bunch of fancy brushes and robot appendages to produce eye-pleasing work. All they need is a pencil, some paper, a flat drawing surface, and a few minutes of time. What I'm trying to say here is that most artists are environmental warlords, tearing into Mother Nature's heaving bosoms with unthinkable savagery. By using up reams of paper and other artistic "tools of the trade," these monsters squander valuable natural resources in a self-absorbed attempt to share their "vision" with the world.

I, on the other hand, save baby dolphins from choking to death on discarded six-pack rings by doing all my artwork in MS Paint. That way, all I waste is bandwidth, hard drive space (and not very much at that!), and my time. And yours. With MS Paint, anyone with a working mouse can be an artist of unparalleled skill. Just look at me, I'm almost proof!

SA: Hot Paintbrush Action Gallery

The following collection of wonders was originally posted in Something Awful's Hot Paintbrush Action Gallery, which you can see here. 16 colors can be very sexy!

"At Your Service" (third from left) is one of my favorite pieces of art because it represents the helpful nature of Thanksgiving demons. I think. Also, that one guy is about to have his eyes drilled, and he's probably concerned about that.

There's a story behind "Hold Me," but you don't want to know. The image on the far right is the official logo of GameSpy's Ping-Pong ladder. I tried to make the players look like the real employees. Note that I forgot to draw legs for the table.

"Pure Love" (far right) holds a special place in my Recycled Bin.

"Running Man" (far left) and "Something" (third from left) are great, the other two make me feel shame.

Ummm... I'm out of excuses. The one on the far right sucks.

Other Garbage

Here's a bunch of other crap I've churned out over the years, in no particular order.

(from left to right) Image #1: I used to leave vaguely threatening messages on GameSpy (my old job) company whiteboards all the time. It's a wonder I wasn't fired for any of these, this one was pretty tame in comparison. #2: The logo for GameSpy's official internal Quake 3 ladder (like the Ping Pong image above) #3: Self-portrait, July '98. #4: My late-'97 redesign of the dollar bill. After seeing the crappy new GOVERNMENT redesign online, I was challenged by my fellow IRC geeks to do a better job in under five minutes. I think I won that challenge… in spades!

(from left to right) Image #1: I used this as my desktop wallpaper at work for quite awhile, it tended to scare people away. #2: Drawings of videogame characters. #3: Concept art I did for the latest Final Fantasy (I'm pretty sure this character is in the final version of the game). #4: The ad banner I did a long time ago for Blue's News, back when it wasn't crap. I came in second.

(from left to right) Image #1: Stare at this for long enough and you'll start to see freedom. #2: Logo art I did for "Battlegrounds," a Blizzard games site in '98. #3: For some reason, Battlegrounds rejected my logo so I made this one. Ungrateful scum! #4: Something I did for an old Quake article on CTF camping or some garbage, who cares?

Failed Comics

Being the general all-around unsuccessful lout that I am, I have the nasty habit of falling flat on my face a lot. I mess up. I flop fantastically. I suck. So it's no surprise that my own attempts at doing a weekly comic strip have failed miserably. Here's a few examples:

"Soft Whispers" - This was to be... oh, I don't know. But almost everybody I showed it to hated it. And the rest were frightened.

"Microprocessorwave" - I think this was going to be my version of all the "hip" technology web comics that were popular at the time. Constantly finding random stuff like this on my hard drive really makes me start to question my mental health. I think I actually did more of these!

"Sega Super Sonic Comic" - The best of the bunch, but that's not saying much. These were done when I was running PlanetDreamcast (which explains the Sega stuff) and was my lame attempt at a last-minute April Fool's joke.

"Dave The Dreamcast" - Yeah, another Dreamcast-related comic, only this one is done with photographs and not MS Paint. The sad part is that I really did put some effort into this one, and despite a great performance by my good buddy Shasta as the human star of the show, the end result is not very good. You can read the first issue by mashing your mouse over this underlined thing (off-site link).

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