AT A GLANCE: Wow, a map based on some guy's house! What will those crazy Half-Life mappers think of next? Hopefully a cure for terminal blindness.

Satanic red lighting: Great for giving your kids a healthy fear of bathing at an early age.

DESCRIPTION: I can't recall where I originally downloaded this map from but it seems like it's been on my hard drive since the day I installed Half-Life. If the website I got it from is even half as terrible as the map itself, then chances are I blocked it from my memory via a large dose of narcotics. I don't know who the little turd is that made the thing either (there's no text file included) but I think it's safe to assume he doesn't live within a 50-mile radius of me or I would've spotted the horrible disco lighting emanating from his fucked-up house / renovated grain silo by now.

THE MAP: Well, any map that appears to be made entirely out of sheet metal and drywall is alright in my book... except this one. The deranged 11-year old responsible for "Myhome" has absolutely no sense of proportion and tosses random textures everywhere like an angry, disoriented wallpaper hanger with attention deficit disorder. The map's lighting basically follows the same philosophy, as each grotesquely disfigured room you encounter contains some different sort of failed experiment in attempted illumination. This house has no visible windows or exits either, probably because the place was condemned and boarded up after the owner went crazy, murdered his family, and installed seven miles of RGB track lighting.

Sit on this couch and you can pretty much forget about ever having children.

Folks, I've probably played hundreds of these "Look, it's my stupid fucking house!!!" type maps and I can honestly say that I have NEVER seen a good or even semi-tolerable map that was based on someone's house, apartment, or other place of residence. Why are there so many mappers out there that think we'd all like to take "virtual tours" of their retarded houses and why oh why do they always seem to live in the ugliest fucking houses known to man?!? What is so inherently fascinating to these bad mappers about their own houses, anyway? Is it the prefab furniture? Is it the hideously bloated stair railings? Is it the fact that if they ever attempt to leave them, the bracelet on their ankle triggers an alarm and law enforcement officers arrive at the scene within minutes? Don't ask me, I'm still trying to figure out why the hell this guy has a green Kool-Aid couch in his living room.

GAMEPLAY: I think this map was originally intended for deathmatch but upon starting it in DM mode, you'll invariably encounter the old Wall-Inserted Player Start O' Love and be forced to quit. Single player could've theoretically been challenging, but since there isn't any node placement the three enemies you encounter, they just sit there, cowering in the corner. After playing the map for two minutes I followed their example.

FUN FACTOR: None. Not even the inclusion of a Prefab Soda Machine[TM] can hide the fact that this map fucking blows.

THE BOTTOM LINE: The repulsive, disproportioned piece of real estate that "Myhome" is based upon should immediately be demolished to make room for something more important like a Wal-Mart or a moderately large stack of cardboard boxes. Oh yeah, or a mental institution. If there's one thing that this map has taught me it's that we definitely need more mental institutions.

- Jed

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).