In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Welcome to the world of working endlessly to please an audience specifically downloading your show to find mistakes.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by dire climate change news, try taking action personally! You can make a difference in the world!
Urine? Or perhaps an abundance of crotch sweat? Either way, it's a good thing you're in a karate class. This is the ideal place to covertly get some airflow down there, speeding up the evaporation process by as much as 4%.
There are some hot and sexy characters in this video game series! Find out the five that would do the best job caring for you at the end of your life!
Industry veteran with nineteen years of experience jumping in front of zapper-wielding clients during intense shootouts, shouting phrases like "Don't shoot!" as they reflexively blast me.
Your social security card is legal tender worth $10, and the comic book store MUST accept it
We at the Hairplace have stepped out due to oUR UNDIMMED BLOOD-HUNGRY RAGE!!
"Captain, this is no cave... it's an ancient space vessel! It belonged to a long lost race called the Precursors. They lived tens of billions of years ago, had technology far more advanced than ours, and suddenly disappeared."
We put HelloFresh to the test and discovered new enlightenment. Now we thrive and grow. THANK YOU HELLOFRESH!
As we say in the podcast biz, "If Joe Rogan can do it, anyone can."
You want to pay a reasonable fee for access to every movie or tv show you could think of. You get a hundred services with a hundred uniquely clunky apps, and libraries that fluctuate more than a fluctuation machine.
Find something you love, like just for example strangling nurses, start a podcast about it, and you'll never work again!
Did you truly believe this ASUS Zenpad 10 had all the features you needed, or did you secretly enjoy giving our sales associate Dan a smaller commission? Don't lie to yourself. Lies brought you to this counter. Only the truth will allow you to leave.
I recently rewatched the entire series, and you know what? Some of those deaths were far more cruel and graphic than I remembered. For my money, these were the most brutal ways a human met their end on screen.
A shitbag law firm named "Higbee and Associates" assaults me with a legal threat for "up to $150,000" because somebody on the Something Awful Forums linked to an image of Hitler, a file that is hosted on the third-party site Imgur. No, I am not making this up, and even if I was, I could not come up with something this stupid.
Daddy Finger has gone too far. There are fingers within the right hand that are resisting him.
Familiarize yourself with the several thousand don'ts found in the exciting world of BRICKO(tm).
Sure, the place was poorly lit and hadn't been dusted since, well ever, but there were some great photographs of me. They were unexpected, and added a certain charm that couldn't be denied.
M'lady, would thou deign to accompany me and my ArmaLite Rifle under the sea this prom?
I'll be the first to admit that, during my teenage years, I jacked off while looking at JC Penny's catalogues. Hell, I still do. The absolute only time I can get off anymore is when I force my wife to dress up like a JC Penny's catalogue. She doesn't really enjoy it, but it gives me an excuse to temporarily unchain her from the radiator.
"For a minute there I lost my elf. I lost my elf."
Welcome to the very important website the board of Papa John's does not want you to read. It contains the real truth about CEO Papa John.
Have I made any mistakes in this long life of mine? Of course not.
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
Chess Rules section 2: Inventory Management. Depending on your Rook's Handling stat and the number of pawns remaining in your force, your inventory grid can have anywhere from sixteen to two hundred and forty slots. Always consider the weight of stored objects, as
Actions have consequences. Gentle Creature returns to express his worry that draining the swamp will send swamp creatures into his burrow.
An honest, true review of Hollow Knight with 100% original text. DO NOT STEAL.
Gun violence has grown so uncontrollably that for each individual resident of Chicago, three of them are shot to death every single day, sometimes repeatedly. This is an incredibly unsettling trend that has, in no way, been happening everywhere and growing at a steady rate for the previous six million decades. Fortunately, I know how to solve it.
After years and years of putting up with (and promoting) Jones' shit garbage idiot crap, a few of the tech industry bigwigs got together and said "hey, maybe this person who is objectively the dumbest human being to ever get launched out of a vagina, should not be on our social media platforms." Wow! What a crazy and absolutely revolutionary idea!
God Friended Me is an actual television show about God friending a foolish atheist (presumably named Me) on social media. It's such a surefire hit that there are already spinoffs in production, like God Hit My Parked Car With His Car Then Left Me A Passive-Aggressive Apology Note.
The Swamp Piggies of the Lying Media have branded me "The Secret Strangler" because they are the Enemy of the People.
I had something else planned for today, but then I found out about the Japanese "This Is Cool" model of the Sega Saturn.
We rank the relative security of the gates at the marinas where US Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos keeps her 10 yachts!
WORDS ARE OUTLAWED. COMMUNICATION IS ILLEGAL. ALL OUR THOUGHTS AND IMAGES ARE NOW MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON EATING POPCORN DOT GIF.
Every misshapen gift you give me is like a hot dagger in my heart.
"Okay, elite security team! We're going to sweep the area and clear out every last robot! (Two seconds later) Oh no we're all dead."
Facebook must remain unflagging in its vigilance against titties even in these troubled times of rising fascism.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
In our new cat society, things have really gone from bad to purrse.
For the last three months my primary computer has been a MacBook Air running the latest version of OS X, probably named after a mountain or a bear or the hand claps and chants from a modern rock song.
Levi Johnston suffers career setbacks, but manages a full recovery with a new job at the EPA.
It can't be stopped! It can't be reasoned with! It can't be compelled to testify against its spouse!
Eco-worriers are in a tizzy about dead birds full of plastic and want to ban plastics. Shouldn't it be the bird's choice?
Treat yourself to a delicious sub and turn that dead-eyed scowl upside-down!