I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
Chess Rules section 2: Inventory Management. Depending on your Rook's Handling stat and the number of pawns remaining in your force, your inventory grid can have anywhere from sixteen to two hundred and forty slots. Always consider the weight of stored objects, as
Actions have consequences. Gentle Creature returns to express his worry that draining the swamp will send swamp creatures into his burrow.
An honest, true review of Hollow Knight with 100% original text. DO NOT STEAL.
Gun violence has grown so uncontrollably that for each individual resident of Chicago, three of them are shot to death every single day, sometimes repeatedly. This is an incredibly unsettling trend that has, in no way, been happening everywhere and growing at a steady rate for the previous six million decades. Fortunately, I know how to solve it.
After years and years of putting up with (and promoting) Jones' shit garbage idiot crap, a few of the tech industry bigwigs got together and said "hey, maybe this person who is objectively the dumbest human being to ever get launched out of a vagina, should not be on our social media platforms." Wow! What a crazy and absolutely revolutionary idea!
God Friended Me is an actual television show about God friending a foolish atheist (presumably named Me) on social media. It's such a surefire hit that there are already spinoffs in production, like God Hit My Parked Car With His Car Then Left Me A Passive-Aggressive Apology Note.
The Swamp Piggies of the Lying Media have branded me "The Secret Strangler" because they are the Enemy of the People.
I had something else planned for today, but then I found out about the Japanese "This Is Cool" model of the Sega Saturn.
We rank the relative security of the gates at the marinas where US Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos keeps her 10 yachts!
WORDS ARE OUTLAWED. COMMUNICATION IS ILLEGAL. ALL OUR THOUGHTS AND IMAGES ARE NOW MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON EATING POPCORN DOT GIF.
Every misshapen gift you give me is like a hot dagger in my heart.
"Okay, elite security team! We're going to sweep the area and clear out every last robot! (Two seconds later) Oh no we're all dead."
Facebook must remain unflagging in its vigilance against titties even in these troubled times of rising fascism.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
In our new cat society, things have really gone from bad to purrse.
For the last three months my primary computer has been a MacBook Air running the latest version of OS X, probably named after a mountain or a bear or the hand claps and chants from a modern rock song.
Levi Johnston suffers career setbacks, but manages a full recovery with a new job at the EPA.
It can't be stopped! It can't be reasoned with! It can't be compelled to testify against its spouse!
Eco-worriers are in a tizzy about dead birds full of plastic and want to ban plastics. Shouldn't it be the bird's choice?
Treat yourself to a delicious sub and turn that dead-eyed scowl upside-down!
This is a campaign to provide Disney a chance to course correct with the Star Wars motion simulator franchise. The fans are completely divided and the core goal of the Star Tours travel agency has been abandoned.
I have used my bot to create Olive Garden commercials. This is a bot I have. Don't question it.
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Mr. Sakurai-sama, where the FRICK is Dino Riki!?
Susan Kath of Bethesda Game Studios handed me a polka-dotted can of mixed peanuts. When I opened it, a number of paper snakes sprung out into my face.
Still think it's a joke when a man takes his lunch into the bathroom, Brenda? It's called privacy. Look it up.
Everything to do in our one-horse town outside of the horse.
For what is an ape but a more powerful version of man?
When you die your skin no longer turns to beef jerky. Now your hollowed flesh grows increasingly supple and sexy, with ultra realistic pores, TressFX body hair, and sweat tech that puts the latest NBA game to shame.
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
We were able to recently sit down and interview the men's rights icon, Jordan Peterson, in this exclusive interview.
The social justice mob has once again turned into the Nazis to silence bigotry. When will they learn???
This local car commercial has ruined my entire brain. Now it's your turn.
Gervais sauntered into an English class wearing a pair of shades. He asked whether "couldn't care less" or "could care less" best demonstrated how little he cared about people offended by his comedy, then flipped both middle fingers and left before the professor could answer.
The Internet is abuzz about a new viral video. Let's break down "This is Gonna Hurt" by Hoobastank.
The first thing you learn as a Ghost Hunter: You can't kill a ghost with a traditional bow and arrow. You've got to dip the arrowheads in poison.
Sensitive to pure iron?? Filled with burning desire to sculpt pottery? Unable to cross salt lines? You are either a ghost or have crushing OCD. Read this FAQ to figure out if you are a disembodied spirit, and what you can do about it!
One girl's decision to go as a Predator to prom set the Internet ablaze with outrage. And that's a good thing!
Grab your bootstraps and give them a good yank for this inspiring tale of prosperity.
Scan the room for a reporter with an obvious physical handicap. Gleefully contort your body to mock them like you're the absolute worst five year old on the planet. Hey, you're just telling it like it is!
This is serious: Commander William T. Riker has committed some disgusting acts and it is time he face real punishment from Starfleet.
It's time to get a new TV. Your old one was made like two years ago, and so much has changed. You might as well be looking at a dinosaur's butthole. Why would you keep doing that, when you could be looking at a robot's butthole?
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.