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12.16.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 SP: "Downtown"
That's odd... I could've sworn the mapmaker rode the short bus.
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
Overuse of Colored Lighting: No, fullbright.
Spelling Errors in Text File: You'd better believe it!
Pain Level:
Prison sex with Tom Arnold.

Download Here (585k)

A series of intricate planks go from building to building. Parking on roofs is optional but highly recommended.
Poor guy. He tried to escape but the big, brown, shit log of a building blocked him.

A shitty Action Quake map that uses a boatload of prefabs, fullbright lights, and misaligned textures which isn't "Bank Job"? Can this be true?

DESCRIPTION: Ready to go downtown? Let's take a look at the incredible text file:

"Hey!!!!!!! This is my BEST map so far!!!!!! It is very good for DM (2 or more players)."

If this is the author's "BEST" map so far, I'd hate to see his previous failed attempts to mold a pound of rancid feces into one Quake 2 level. I would guess the maps he made before this had themes such as "Lava Suppository", "One Big Fucking Pit With Ammo", and "Hey Look, It's Acid!" He claims this map is very good for DM, but I hope to God he's not using "DM" to abbreviate for "DeathMatch". What could it possibly stand for, "Dying Mothers"? "Drunk Men"? "Damn Morons" would be my best guess.

"It took me almost 2 weeks to make this map, im not one of theose F@#Kers who dont spend a day on the map." Yeah, you're one of the fuckers who spend two weeks on a map that ends up looking like it took two hours to make. Gee, that's something to brag about.

"The hard part was choosing the textures for the buldings and bridges." You chose wrong.

"Can some one tell me why my color lightning doesnt work?" Because you're an idiot.

"You just have to wait for Downtown2, its going to be the best map ever!!!!!!!" Downtown2 will probably take forever for this talented mapper to create, as it's harder to make maps by only using one hand.

THE MAP: There's some gigantic boxes which we'll tentatively call "buildings" on this map. There's some prefab cars, helicopters, and a yellow lump of rotting banana which is supposedly a bus. The author took some creative liberty with this bus though, as it's been stretched out to disgusting proportions (must've taken him at least six seconds to figure out how to do that in the map editor). And oh, it works so well! I guess what I mean to say is, it perfectly matches the sheer diaherria-inspired awfulness of its surroundings.

How realistic. A plank orgy, oh boy.

No aspects of this map even approach the most liberal usage of the word "fun". And, since it's a shitty Action Quake map, it doesn't even look vaguely realistic. This level is probably what a retarded 8-year old would think is an accurate representation of a city, if it were enclosed in a shoebox and had to have a gigantic billboard of John Carmack with a lava spike in his head. I'm not insinuating the author is a brain dead 8-year old though, he's probably at least 10. Oh wait, we're talking about age, not IQ, nevermind.

As touched on before, cars, helicopters, and bus prefabs are tossed all over the map at random. There's cars on roofs. There's cars in roofs. There's floating lava arrows that point in random directions for no readily apparent reason. It's fullbright. Even thinking about possibly imagining the texturing in this map makes my brain instantly hemorrhage, which is a more pleasant feeling than actually playing this mess.

GAMEPLAY: It was bad, but not all that bad. Running from plank to plank across buildings was the epitome of lameness, but the blatant awfulness of this map made up for it. If you want some awful map to play on your next LAN party (and you don't mind losing all your friends in the process), I would recommend this one. Of course, this recommendation is kind of like saying "I would advise being ripped apart by wild wolves than being burned to death in an incinerator."

FUN FACTOR: It's so terrible, it's kind of funny. It's kind of like driving down the highway and seeing a car wreck. Full of clowns. With lava spikes in their heads.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Look at the fucking screenshots and decide for yourselves.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 8
Gameplay: - 2
Item placement: - 4
Layout: - 8
Detail: - 8
TOTAL: - 30

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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