Looks like the Strogg defaced this wall.

Anybody got a laser fetish?

Mix together a terrible laser light show with a Strogg slum, a New York City street, and all the explosions from every "Die Hard" movie and you've got "Erik14", or as I like to call it, "A bunch of crap not fit to line my birdcage with".

DESCRIPTION: "Very sweet alter for the quad damage. Good BFG10k trap. Fun design. Rude tricks. Good level." Um, which level are you talking about Erik? The "shrine" is a flashing red room with 80 pounds of lasers in it and the "BFG10k trap" is a button that instantly kills you with eternal explosions. As for "fun design", the only fun that could possibly have come from this was when Erik, while diligently working hard on this map, got in his second kilo of pure, uncut cocaine. Yes, it would take that much to make this map fun.

THE MAP: Once again, this map is an experience in short attention spans. Each room has nothing in common with the one next to it, random objects and terrible geometry are thrown about the map like a baseball pitcher with a muscular disorder. Was that a good analogy? Screw you if it isn't, this map is so bad I can't think of any analogies poor enough to describe the pain that runs rampant through these hallowed, poorly textured hallways.

Speaking of the hallways, Erik seems to enjoy making walls out of textures that were not meant to be repeated (or, in certain cases, not even meant to be used). You'll see walls textured with repeated signs. There's floors with the computer console texture. It's these ingenious trademarks that really helped Erik earn his current title as "The Guy With the Most Maps on Cranky Steve's Haunted Whorehouse." I should make an award or something. If any of you chuckleheads out there wants to make me a banner or button or same crazy-ass shit like that, email it to me.

Anyway, you spawn into some epileptic seizure zone, where your character vibrates and shakes uncontrollably until you move. But then, even when you do move, you realize your entire nervous system is still shaking and shuddering uncontrollably, so it's no big win there. There's a kinda battleground thing upstairs, with square holes in the floor for you to fall down. It's little touches like those that really convince me Erik can't be an actual human being, but a robot programmed to end all humanity.

The room with the Quad Damage is great, as there's lasers all over the place and lighting the color of your capillaries when they all burst at once. After passing by the pothole infested room, you get into the "Strogg Ghetto" which contains the Strogg jailcell texture repeated everywhere and a couple teleporters. One teleport sends you off to the basement, of course, spawning face first into a wall. The other telelports you INTO the same teleporter, so you're stuck there until you quit the game. Which, if you're smart, should've occurred within the first few seconds of starting the map. Anything else I missed? Oh yeah, the map sucks. Can't forget that crucial tidbit of information.

GAMEPLAY: The Forgetful Lumberjack didn't want to play this map for some odd reason. I let the kid off easy though, as it's his birthday today and I didn't want to subject him to this kind of pain. Cause I'm a nice guy and all that shit. Plus my boss came in and gave me shit cause I left one of the maintenance valves on all night and two zones got flooded. Boo-fucking-hoo.

FUN FACTOR: If you liked Erik's other maps, you'll probably like this one. If you like sticking needles into your penis, you'll probably like this map as well. So this map is essentially aimed at all the Erik and penis-needle fans out there.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Go watch a movie with the Olson Twins, it'll be a lot less painful.

- Cranky Steve

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)