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09.13.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "Corridors of Light"
"Corridors of Mulch" maybe.

Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: Technicolor Deathmatch.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Yes.
Spelling Errors in Text File: Yes.
Pain Level: Genitalia across sandpaper.

Download Here (96k)


Hey, a dark, pulsating, colored hallway! In this map! What are the odds?
Get on the lift to your left and become a grunt pancake.

Jon Powers, new heir to the throne of intensely-stupid mapping, unleashes a series of levels with colored lighting so bad your monitor will make you sterile.

DESCRIPTION: "Can also be fun to try with Rocket Arena 2 he he all the lights is colored so its looks best with a 3dcard.. It rather small map it have 4 respawn points..."

I think we should all take a moment and reflect upon the subjective use of the word "good". "Good" can be used by somebody to describe a car, football play, or emotion. For Jon Powers, "good" describes how he felt when he was able to cram the third hamster into the Sailor Moon underwear he was wearing.

All the lights are colored (this is a Cranky Steve map, what the fuck did you expect?) but strangely enough, the author's claim of "its looks best with a 3dcard" isn't too accurate. I believe he meant to write "it looks best with a 3d card that only runs in software mode because my Satanic disco approach to lighting will melt the RAM off your TNT2."

THE MAP: This map is laid out in some semi-symmetric layout, kind of like a really screwed up pool table, only there's no balls in this map. Haha, get it? Screw you. "My first lift" is placed somewhere near the middle of the map, and when it rises up, it goes a little too high and crushes you against the ceiling. Cool!

Weapons have been littered all over the map like little colored sprinkles. Every terribly lit hallway goes straight forward, connecting to another demonic hallway that intersects at a 90 degree angle to it. Whee!

Each hue of the rainbow is represented in this monster, all you have to do is keep running through the hallways and you'll eventually feel as if you just crawled through the anus of somebody that ate a few pounds of gummy bears and ammo. Ooh la la!

There's a main room in the middle that has a bit more space than the cramped hallways, but there's some gigantic color war going on in it and you should strap on sunglasses before entering. The purples appear to be trying to establish independence from the greens, with the blue army trapped in between warring factions. I'll update you folks on the progress of this epic battle. Oh boy!

GAMEPLAY: It ain't fun! I know you readers out there were expecting something along the lines of "Fuck Q3A, fuck Unreal Tournament, grab jonpowdm2 and you'll be in FPS bliss!" but I just can't bring myself to that level of sarcasm yet. Maybe one day I'll be able to look a person in the eye and say without laughing to death that a map like this could be fun on a LAN, but I've got a long way to go until that happens.

This map is essentially a series of long, multicolored digestive tracts, so the gameplay suffers just a bit. If you actually play this map and walk down these hallways, your eyes suffer just a bit. The network that hosts Jon Power's website suffers just a bit.

FUN FACTOR: Whee, it's small. Whee, its lighting offends Jesus. Hooray, the lift will crush you to death against the ceiling. The pure level of fun this map generates rivals the time I drank all that Jack Daniels and wound up in the drainage ditch covered with a milky white layer of mucous.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Fuck Q3A, fuck Unreal Tournament, grab jonpowdm2 and you'll be in - HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!! Sorry, I knew I wouldn't be able to pull it off. Although I'm sure Jon Powers pulls it off every night.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 7
Gameplay: - 7
Item placement: - 5
Layout: - 5
Detail: - 7
TOTAL: - 31

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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