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10.05.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "Mad Bomber"
A map that is actually worse than "This Map is Goodfun"? Yup, there is a new "worst".

Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: None.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Fullbright.
Spelling Errors in Text File: Fuck yeah.
Pain Level: Shoving filthy syringes underneath my fingernails until they hit bone.

Download here (122 k)

John! Step away from your car and break this kid's fingers already! He's embarrassing Quake 2!

I honestly thought that "This Map is GoodFun" would be the worst map I ever layed my burnt-out, watering, bloodshot eyes upon. Fuck was I wrong. "Mad Bomber" has raised the standards for lowering the scales.

DESCRIPTION: The text file is so damned awful that I almost needed an interpreter to decode the moronic, babbling, "retarded, 12-year old masturbating haX0r" lingo. Maybe you guys can figure this abuse of the English language out:

"This is my map that i have mad for quake3, i hope j00 like it cause my frinds and me play it all the time ony my lan. i hope that you like playing on it, id recoment about 10 people tor the most fun but if you have no friends then umm, go do something else. it took me about 5 days to make so i hope you liek it. im in the progress of making heeps more maps for quake2 so tyr to contan yourself untill i relese another one. i hope you like playin my map. PS : This tok me like 16 hors to maek so you had beter like it! PSS : I cudnt get the culored liting to work so the map will loook linda shittie, sory :( PSSS : You hav to shot the boxs for specil efects to take place"

OK, let me try to pick this apart, bit by bit, through the Cranky Steve Translation System(tm):

"This is my map that i have mad for quake3, i hope j00 like it cause my frinds and me play it all the time ony my LAN" = "Here is something that I came up with by mashing various buttons on the keyboard with my sticky, fat little fingers. My imaginary friends and I play this all the time on my two 486 66 DX computers that are hooked up via serial cable."

"i hope that you like playing on it, id recoment about 10 people tor the most fun" = "Maybe you'll have some neural synapse problem and find this map amusing. If not, I'd recommend it to the following 10 people:

1 - Bob Saget
2 - Joseph Stalin
3 - Marge Schott
4 - Adolf Hitler
5 - Any of the Baldwins
6 - The guy who invented "Beanie Babies"
7 - Ghengis Khan
8 - Ryan Leaf
9 - Anybody who works for MPlayer
10 - Jeff K.

"it took me about 5 days to make so i hope you liek it." = "After masturbating nonstop for four days while looking at pictures from the Home Depot catalogue, I decided to make a map. Unfortunately, I didn't know how, so I ended up creating this mess."

"This tok me like 16 hors to maek so you had beter like it!" = "It will take at least 16 whores to enjoy this map."

"I cudnt get the culored liting to work so the map will loook Linda shittie, sory :(" = "You should thank God I'm an incompetent, lazy idiot who didn't care enough to figure out how to plop 100 pounds of red strobe lights into this pile of pig shit."

The infamous lava cube on the bottom. Ugh.

THE MAP: A nonstop house of pain, horrors, and confusion. R_speeds that are larger than Russia's national debt. 15,000 ways to die in each room. Boxes and switches that have some vague, indescribable purpose, but usually just end up killing you. Rooms that turn into lava (or is it lava that turns into rooms?). Ceilings that seem to randomly fall down, move around, and generally act like the entire map has been drinking shots of Everclear since last Valentine's Day. This map breaks all the rules of physics, gameplay, and decency.

You begin your plunge into madness by (appropriately enough) falling from the top of a room into a square hole in the floor filled with lava. After falling through the lava, you drop from the ceiling of another room into another lava patch. Then you drop down and are immediately blown straight up, back into the lava again. If you don't die within the first three seconds of loading this map, either Quake 2 has overflowed or you're playing the wrong map. Once again, a great idea ("let's kill off the person before he has a chance to play the map") on paper that just doesn't translate over to gameplay that well. Why, I'll never know.

Anyway, this map has no gameflow whatsoever. The sole purpose of each room you enter is simply to kill you. Walking through doors = death. Jumping on boxes = death. Pushing buttons = death. Grabbing weapons = death. Making maps like this should = death. Usually when the "traps" are activated you get a "witty" message like "0|-| No, U s3t off DA B0|\/|B, b3ttar RUN!!!" and then you die. Map authors like this make me want to pass a bill requiring mandatory abortions so mistakes like him will remain just a beer-induced urge in some unemployed redneck's groin.

The entire map is carved into a floating block inside another floating block which resides in yet another floating block. I guess the author found a way to combat those nasty memory leaks! Looking up at the ceiling causes a P3-500 to start getting incredibly choppy, which makes sense, as there are up to a whopping four brushes up there.

Next on Fox: "When Textures Attack"

There is no logical layout, theme, or flow to this map; it's just a bunch of random, non-connected rectangular rooms that randomly explode or fill with lava. I have no idea if you can actually navigate through it without no-clipping enabled, I didn't have the time or patience to find out. Weapons are placed into the map, so I guess the author at one point in time intended for this to be a deathmatch map. This is the equivalent of saying the Denver Broncos had at one point at time intended to be Superbowl Champions this year.

GAMEPLAY: None. This map is something awful. You couldn't force a game onto this map if you greased it up with Vaseline and gave a lifetime's supply of crack to a legion of braindead SiN fans.

FUN FACTOR: Oh come on, what kind of answer do you expect? It fucking blows.

THE BOTTOM LINE: The longer I live, the closer to death I get. Maps like these just speed up the process. Good thing that the chances of me running into another fuckfest like this are so low that... oh, who am I kidding. I'm sure I'll eventually get something that will top even this catastrophe. Jesus H. Christ, this one blows. I'm sure all you peckers will be lining up to download it.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 10
Layout: - 10
Detail: - 10
TOTAL: - 51

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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