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10.25.2000: Squonkamatic - Q2 ??: "Waterword"
This is "Waterword". It is a Quake2 level. Beyond that my interpretations are meaningless.

Author: "Mittenz"
Reviewed By: Squonkamatic

Game Mode Supported: Anybody's guess.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Fullbright as usual.

Spelling Errors in Text File: It IS one big spelling error. Even the map name is spelled wrong. 

Pain Level: Being skinned alive with one of those sharp little iron hooks that dentists use to scrape the plaque and crap off of your teeth.

Download Here (160k)





AT A GLANCE: I, ahh... huh. I'm really not sure where to begin with this review except to acknowledge Daniel St. Clair for reminding me of the work by the Evil Quake2 level design wizard known only as Mittenz (or how ever the fuck he spells his Goddamn nickname -- pick one that makes sense, huh kids?). Double thanks to Daniel for his highly entertaining review of Mittenz "CLYP", which in addition to the legendary "Mad Bomber" map, now constitutes three maps by Mittenz to grace this site and horrify our readers.

I chose the oddly titled "Waterword" (or "waterwor" as the .bsp file is named) as my selection of Mittenz maps to review because the name suggests a "waterworld" (remember that nauseating film with Kevin Costner?), and one of my keen interests has always been game levels that contain lots of binary water. But as far as I can tell, "Waterword" is utterly bone-dry except for some stupid disembodied blocks of freestanding gravity-defying lava. And you drown every time. No exceptions. Odd.

DESCRIPTION: Usually I don't do things like this, but I have taken the liberty of reprinting Mittenz entire text description below verbatim:

"umm, ok, well this is abot my forth q32 map and ist ok but nuffiin specel. id recoment about 6-9 pepoles but mor or les is ok. have fun.
/\/\ ][ TT # /\/ Z"

Further commentary on my part concerning this category is unnecessary, I trust.

THE MAP: For all I can tell, one spawns inside of a huge box with flashing button textures for a wall (a Mittenz trademark) that is totally filled with water. I mean completely -- no air pockets, no sky, no sewer to weave your way out, no teleporter to whisk you to safety in the nick of time. Just a huge goddamn box totally filled with water and spawn pads floating here and there; you are going to drown at some point no matter how you slice it. Blocks of lava bob and weave in the fullbright haze, and way way waaaay at the bottom are about four rocket launchers sitting on the floor. Over them hover a half dozen frozen stiff Crackhor monsters stuck in a reclining position. There is no health, no armor, no Rebreathers, no Biosuits, and essentially there is nothing to do in the map other than drown. It is too far to the bottom to get one of the rocket launchers to have it make any difference even if you are lucky to find someone dumb enough to play this map with you. Many of the spawn points also seem to be "trick" spawn positions that do not allow you to move off of them after spawning (a gimmick I did not know was featured in Quake2 before playing this map) and you drown stuck to them like a wad of chewing gum.
Now you tell me: am I just crazy or does this look like a 3-D representation of Chicken McNuggets with sweet & sour sauce being digested?

I will attempt to try and draw parallels between this level and one actually cooked up by a buddy of mine for Quake 1 called "Hyperventilate" which takes place entirely inside of a box filled with water but with an "air pocket" in the middle and an interesting mix of weapons and armor. The map works because it doesn't try to do more than exploit the terror of drowning or being shot while you are drowning or whatever. What "Waterword" does is exploit my terror of having a Statue of Liberty figurine slowly inserted into my rectum by a huge sweating man who likes to be called "Mavis". I can honestly find nothing redeeming about this map; it only made me laugh for about a minute and even then not that loudly, and it takes up way more digital space than it should. One of my favorite insults from history is when George Bernard Shaw (or someone like him) responded to an aspiring writer pestering him to read his manuscript that "... the covers of your book are too far apart." That's kind of how I feel about this map -- it is too much of nothing. Less would have been better. In fact, nothing at all would have been just perfect.

GAMEPLAY: This category has no meaning when reviewing a Mittenz game level. One does not "play" his maps. You download them, load them in the game, laugh at them (or not), and then delete them.

FUN FACTOR: C'mon, gimme a break. Okay, I had fun writing this review. I like to write.

THE BOTTOM LINE: You have to hand it to Mittenz: he has made some of the worst documented Quake 2 levels ever released onto the Internet, but at least he HAS made and released levels. It's kind of sad when you think of how many people could make maps but quit before making their way thru their first editing tutorial. For every one of those people I bet there is a Mittenz out there, scheming and plotting of new ways to help push our fragile society into chaos. Make sure to visit Mittenz's Map Page for your own taste of The Eternal Fire that awaits us all, and tell him that the folks at The Haunted Whorehouse sent you.

- Squonkamatic for the People!!


Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 10
Layout: - 8
Detail: - 9
TOTAL: - 47

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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