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9.21.2000: Squonkamatic - Q3 DM: "Bogdan_DM1 aka STRANGE" 
"Bogdan_DM1" -- In Space No One Can Hear You Barf".

Author: Bogdan Tenea
Reviewed By: Squonkamatic

Game Mode Supported: HAH!

Overuse of Colored Lighting: Fullbright.

Spelling Errors in Text File: None. 

Pain Level: Colonoscopy.

Download Here (133k)

And yet another view of the same bullshit.
AT A GLANCE: This is the worst fucking Quake level I have ever ran on my computer. It is boring, pallid, uninteresting, and executed by someone who must be a crack addicted descendant of Adolf Hitler. I remember quite literally laughing until blood vessels burst the first time I ever saw the legendary "This Map is Good Fun" that received the alltime lowest score ever at Cranky Steveís Haunted Whorehouse. "Good Fun" may have inspired axe murderers to go on killing sprees and the Mir space station to spring a leak, but it was at least entertaining to run it for a few minutes and just laugh at it. This map isnít just bad, itís pathetic. No vision, no style, no self control. Just idiocy.

It is a space map. I have always hated the Quake 3 space levels with a particular vengeance: if Q3DM17/The Longest Yard was bad, Q3Tourney6/The End of You is worse, and in my opinion may very well be the worst map ever produced by id Software to go with one of their games. As I like to say, one of the prime indicators of a crazed lunatic getting his hands on a map editor is that they take one of the cheap "gimmicks" from a game and use it to the point of ridicule, and Bogdan has given us a textbook example of how NOT to use the "space" environment in Quake 3. You canít just toss a bunch of Lincoln Loggs together and enclose them in a "box" of space and call it a done map. What the hell are people thinking?

DESCRIPTION: In his epic info txt, Bogdan states flat out that this is "The Strangest map ever made!!" I think not. It is the MOST BOGUS map ever released, and I have already taken the liberty of removing it from my hard drive even before sitting down to write this. I want nothing more to do with it after this is done. It is so bad it is hard to write about without referring to Bogdan with such epithets as "skunk fucking maggot" and Iíd prefer to take the high road. Weíll just leave it at that he is a shithead and his mom ought to go delete his Qradient before someone comes over and kills him for releasing crap like this.

THE MAP: You start off on one corner of a multi-tiered geometrically precise "grid" of girders floating without any apparent support in the middle of the box of space. The gameplay in the map consists entirely of scrambling along the girder from powerup to powerup to item to item and try to rail your opponent without falling off like a retard. I wanted to try a test game of this but nobody would join my server [the word is out that I am testing "more of That stupid Cranky Shit" and am having a tough time getting players]. So I tried to add a bot, but there is no bot support. Right there we have a major problem.

Quake was made for bots. Ever since Steve Polge released his first beta of the Reaper Bot, Quake gamers have had a plethora of artificial opponents to choose from to help them hone their deathmatch skillz for more serious play. Or at least to make use of addon levels that may not have traditional "single player" objectives like monsters and stupid keys and mazes; Bogdanís little map here is prime territory for a botmatch, and indeed if I had maybe gotten to shoot at something other than idly spinning armor jackets I might have a higher opinion of the effort. But it is shit and that is that.
And that's all for this fucking level.

The author has selected to feature the railgun in this map to the exclusion of all other weapons. I guess that makes it one of those queer-ass "Rail Arena" maps, a term that untalented mapmakers hide behind when they cannot admit that they have fried all of their brain cells smoking those styrofoam popcorns that people ship delicate china in. Combining the ideas of "rail arena" with "space map" is a sure fire way to create a boring, shitty game level, and Bogdan pulled no punches to deliver a truly pointless experience to even the beginner gamer.

As far as his actual mapmaking skills are concerned, Bogdan is competent at:

1. creating straight lines
2. placing items at various points on those straight lines

3. making other straight lines that intersect with the straight lines at sloping vertical angles

4. masturbating with one hand and working Radient with the other

5. encouraging players to delete Quake3 from their drives

In an attempt to spice things up and make the map more "1337", he has included a mass of Flight and Haste powerups, the result of which is that you and your weird friends can fly around like ass-heads and try to rail each other while the rest of us are getting on with our lives. Indeed he has taken a "kitchen sink" approach to his item placement technique, including at least six of EVERYTHING all lined up in columns on his precise, overlapped grids. I havenít seen so much else that adds up to so little.

GAMEPLAY: I didn't get to play the map, just look at it and convulse. Looks boring as Hell.

FUN FACTOR: The word "fun" should in no way be associated with this game level.

THE BOTTOM LINE: I cannot write anymore about this map because I am starting to develop irritable bowel syndrome and am all out of cigarettes. The map sucks - take a look at it if you donít believe me after all that but donít say I didnít warn you.

- Squonkamatic for the People!!

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 8
Layout: - 10
Detail: - 10
TOTAL: - 48

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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