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01.28.2000: Cranky Steve - Q3 DM: "Dogma"
"The Dead" rule, man! ROCK ON!
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Fuck yes.
Spelling Errors in Text File: No file.
Pain Level:
Attempting to ingest Jerry Garcia's remains through a tiny, flexible straw.





Thrill to the mysterious light source in the corner!
Hooray for really, really blue rectangles of water!

DESCRIPTION: Thank (whatever god of the religion that is currently "cool"), this map had no text file. I am assuming that the author couldn't figure out how to get neon blue, red, and green colors onto Microsoft Notepad, so he gave up and went back to drawing pictures of Angela Landsbury nude.

THE MAP: Have you ever heard the phrase "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" Well this author hasn't. He took the simple, tried and true crappy mapmaking method of "making a whole bunch of boxes and shit and then connecting them together with narrower boxes called 'hallways'" and totally fucked it up. Why? I don't know, my closest explanation would be that somewhere out there, somebody really, really, really hates me.

The main room you where you spawn into is real fucking dark. That's because dark rooms are cool. There's also spooges of blue lighting in random locations. This is because giving people vision problems is hip. Lighting seems to emanite from no logical locations (behind walls, under the floor, other dimensions) which gives the map a very eerie characteristic, almost as if to say "Hello, I have no sense of taste or gameplay, download my shitty map and I love you longtime."

Map flow is pretty much nonexistent, as there's a bunch of unnecessary, really long hallways that add nothing to the game except to boost the sheer annoyance factor. There's some rectangular cubes of blue water that kind of hover around the halls, and they kind of scare me. Oh, that reminds me, I'm going to have to refill my Paxil prescription soon.

I won't even remark on the RGB splotches of pure hatred in the main room. It's like somebody bought a pound of gummy bears, let them sit out in the sun until they melted into one gooey mass, and then threw them into a spotlight. Oh yeah, and then the spotlight disappeared, because there's no visible light source for it. Neat.

GAMEPLAY: Hmmm... I tried playing a few games of this map on multiplayer, but had to shut down the server once I realized playing in the dark / acid trip lighting wasn't very fun and was making me quite nauseous. I threw up 47 times after playing this map, and that six more times than normal.

FUN FACTOR: I can conceivably see this map as being "fun" when the author is 78 years old and with his grandkids. They'd hop on his lap and say "Grandpa, what's that?" and they'd point to a picture of his map and he'd chuckle to himself and talk about the good ol' days. The days where anybody could make a map and distribute it on the Internet without having to worry about their house getting firebombed by pissed off analogue modem users. The era when it was "radical" to throw every color of the rainbow into a two cubic centimeter area. He'd pat the youngsters on their heads and tell them to run back and join their parents in the other room because the warden was about to flip the switch and send 1,000,000 volts through his body for murdering that family of six a few years ago.

THE BOTTOM LINE: This would probably be a fun map if your brain is critically damaged and you lack the power to form coherent thoughts. If you don't meet those qualifications, I'd stay away.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 9
Gameplay: - 8
Item placement: - 6
Layout: - 6
Detail: - 6
TOTAL: - 35

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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