weapon placement when you've got
"Big Pile of Guns and Shit."
screen claims I turned off the
Hurt-O-Matic, yet the map is still
on my hard drive. What a letdown.
knew this moment would eventually occur.
However, I had never, in my wildest
nightmares of pain and burning, thought
it would come so soon. Yes, it has happened;
a Quake 3 Arena map has been born that
rivals the sheer intense awfulness of
Map is GoodFun".
Thankfully there was no text file. This
is probably one of the most positive
things I can say about this map. It's
like getting into a horrible car accident
and losing your entire family but being
able to salvage that way cool Garfield
air freshener you had hanging on the
MAP: Hell, where do I start?
me begin by saying that ol' Cranky Steve
has gotten a lot of email from people
threatening to make and release a version
of "This Map is Goodfun" for
Q3A. I'm not sure why these freaks don't
have anything better to do. Maybe I
should start a nonprofit organization
devoted to finding something more "constructive"
for these jackasses to do like bathing
in Drano or sitting on various cooking
utensils. However, much like Pauly Shore
inadvertently causes me to projectile
vomit each time I see a picture of him,
some mapmaker has inadvertently remade
the equivalent of "This
Map is GoodFun" for Q3A.
May God have mercy on his soul.
journey into awfulness begins in a room
with so much fog and orange colored
lighting you'll think you're in hip
deep in the feces from a steroid-induced
Unreal map. The "author" (most
liberal usage of the word possible)
chose to make the fog so dense that
you can't see two inches in front of
you. Wow, what an incredible idea! There's
absolutely nothing more exciting than
watching your monitor turn into a solid
bright orange wall of light. Usually
I have to take a lot of my prescription
medication to see that, or at least
urinate into the back of the monitor.
map is layed out in the classic hack
level method, "A bunch of boxes
connected by smaller boxes." Much
like unwrapping Christmas presents from
the Devil, each box contains something
more vile and unholy than the previous.
Red colored lighting is smeared all
over the walls like a fresh headshot.
Textures rip and tear more than Rosie
O'Donnells thigh muscles at a all-you-can-eat
buffet. There's a few buttons you can
push, but I'm still not exactly sure
what they're supposed to do.
you can see by the above screenshot,
almost all the weapons and items are
crammed into one tiny pyramid of shit.
If I were to ever take enough painkillers
and attempt to play this map online,
I'd guess that whoever stands in that
area will totally dominate the map.
I'm not sure why you'd want to do this
though, as the desire to control this
level is about the equivalent of wanting
to rule Nicaragua.
I have done many terrible and embarrassing
things in my lifetime, but I will never
be desperate or stupid enough to play
this mess online. If you even conceivably
think of potentially wanting to try
to possibly play this map with a friend,
you should probably go out and shoot
yourself. If you don't have a gun, I'll
do it for you (for a small fee). Playing
this map will cause you to lose all
your friends and hair, your family will
disown you, you'll go broke, and Jesus
Christ will forsake you. I wonder how
many more people are going to download
this now I've said that?
FACTOR: I'm sorry, the word "fun"
has lost all meaning. I can only respond
to pain now.
BOTTOM LINE: Mother fucking bitch.
That's all. Thank you.
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10
(painfully terrible). Total score goes
from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece
of shit you'll ever play).