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09.29.1999: Cranky Steve - Q3 DM: "Heaven"
Why need textures when you've got... uh, whatever the fuck this map is.
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
I honestly cannot tell.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: It's an RGB enema.
Spelling Errors in Text File: No file.
Pain Level:
Swinging from a tree by my ankles while a small child uses my groin as a pinata.
Screw weapon placement when you've got "Big Pile of Guns and Shit."
The screen claims I turned off the Hurt-O-Matic, yet the map is still on my hard drive. What a letdown.

I knew this moment would eventually occur. However, I had never, in my wildest nightmares of pain and burning, thought it would come so soon. Yes, it has happened; a Quake 3 Arena map has been born that rivals the sheer intense awfulness of "This Map is GoodFun".

DESCRIPTION: Thankfully there was no text file. This is probably one of the most positive things I can say about this map. It's like getting into a horrible car accident and losing your entire family but being able to salvage that way cool Garfield air freshener you had hanging on the dashboard.

THE MAP: Hell, where do I start?

Let me begin by saying that ol' Cranky Steve has gotten a lot of email from people threatening to make and release a version of "This Map is Goodfun" for Q3A. I'm not sure why these freaks don't have anything better to do. Maybe I should start a nonprofit organization devoted to finding something more "constructive" for these jackasses to do like bathing in Drano or sitting on various cooking utensils. However, much like Pauly Shore inadvertently causes me to projectile vomit each time I see a picture of him, some mapmaker has inadvertently remade the equivalent of "This Map is GoodFun" for Q3A. May God have mercy on his soul.

Your journey into awfulness begins in a room with so much fog and orange colored lighting you'll think you're in hip deep in the feces from a steroid-induced Unreal map. The "author" (most liberal usage of the word possible) chose to make the fog so dense that you can't see two inches in front of you. Wow, what an incredible idea! There's absolutely nothing more exciting than watching your monitor turn into a solid bright orange wall of light. Usually I have to take a lot of my prescription medication to see that, or at least urinate into the back of the monitor.

This map is layed out in the classic hack level method, "A bunch of boxes connected by smaller boxes." Much like unwrapping Christmas presents from the Devil, each box contains something more vile and unholy than the previous. Red colored lighting is smeared all over the walls like a fresh headshot. Textures rip and tear more than Rosie O'Donnells thigh muscles at a all-you-can-eat buffet. There's a few buttons you can push, but I'm still not exactly sure what they're supposed to do.

As you can see by the above screenshot, almost all the weapons and items are crammed into one tiny pyramid of shit. If I were to ever take enough painkillers and attempt to play this map online, I'd guess that whoever stands in that area will totally dominate the map. I'm not sure why you'd want to do this though, as the desire to control this level is about the equivalent of wanting to rule Nicaragua.

GAMEPLAY: I have done many terrible and embarrassing things in my lifetime, but I will never be desperate or stupid enough to play this mess online. If you even conceivably think of potentially wanting to try to possibly play this map with a friend, you should probably go out and shoot yourself. If you don't have a gun, I'll do it for you (for a small fee). Playing this map will cause you to lose all your friends and hair, your family will disown you, you'll go broke, and Jesus Christ will forsake you. I wonder how many more people are going to download this now I've said that?

FUN FACTOR: I'm sorry, the word "fun" has lost all meaning. I can only respond to pain now.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Mother fucking bitch. That's all. Thank you.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 9
Gameplay: - 9
Item placement: - 10
Layout: - 6
Detail: - 7
TOTAL: - 41

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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