If it ain't those pesky UFOs, it's gotta be the attack squid.

AT A GLANCE: Jesus fucking Christ, I go on a two month vacation and come back to find this wad of polygonal puke sitting in my mailbox. It's like rushing down the stairs on Christmas morning, opening up the biggest gift under the tree, and finding the dead, bloated corpse of your lovable dog crammed inside the maggot-filled interior. At a glance, this map is a disgrace to the human populace in general, strengthening support for a Congressional "mandatory abortion" policy. At a glance, this map conveys the fact that author Norbert Molenkamp is undoubtedly some sadistic freak that enjoys seeing other people's heads collapse (ala "Halloween 3: Season of the Witch") when they make the critical mistake of downloading his digital enemas of horror. At a glance, I can recommend several different barnyard animals I would rather perform fellatio on before being forced to sit through this mess again.

DESCRIPTION: Hell, I've honestly got no clue where to start. Playing this map has destroyed a generous portion of my brain, rendering most of my higher thought processes useless. Let's just start with the included text file:

This textures are made by myself so if you want to use them you have my permission. There are great ufo pictures!!!

Let me please know what you think of my map,email= norbertm@kabelfoon.nl

Yeah, the custom textures blew me out of the water alright. Not only was he able to copy / paste drawing of UFOs and grey aliens to a Photoshop document, but he was also able to write "Welcome in UFO Town" without accidentally misspelling any of the key words (namely "welcome", "in", "UFO", and "town"). I was relieved to know that these textures are now free for my own use, and I will promptly start using them to induce vomiting whenever I run out of Ipecac cola. Hell, the mere thought of "UFO Town" is probably enough to make me retch up everything I've eaten in the past seven months, in addition to various things my close friends have eaten as well. We're talking about cubic miles of vomit here, folks.

Good thing the entrance to the next area is six inches in front of those two turrets. NEAT!

THE MAP: Oh, if it were only so easy to put the pain of "UFO Town" into English words. Human beings have struggled for years to accurately describe emotions like love and hate, so I've really got no chance at conveying how morbidly terrible this disgrace to the entire planet of Earth is. In fact, this map is so damn awful that I just thought, "I must be imagining things, no map could be this bad!" and went back to play it again. I have now lost the use of one of my eyes, and all the strength in my right arm is slowly fading. I will attempt to finish this review before my existing cornea liquefies.

This map is about UFOs. It is also about pain, horror, and the realization that our lives are empty, meaningless, and without a God. In this assault map, the team on offense must rush through various square rooms, avoiding attacking squid, automatic turrets, and fake floors that drop you into lava pits below, so they may destroy a mutant alien kidney. Each room has at least 38 autocannons that would love to see your flesh ripped into ribbons, and once you actually download and play this map, you'll want to let them. As touched upon in the map's name, this map has something to do with UFO's. When you initially spawn, you'll see a bunch of people standing around outside, just chillin' with a UFO that's shooting purple beams at them. I guess there just ain't much to do in UFO Town if you're a mere civilian.

Anyway, there's a small underground bunker at the beginning where you can get a whole slew of armor and weapons. Norbert, showing off his elite mapmaking skills, has made the area very bot-unfriendly, so they won't follow you down and try to get the weapons themselves. If one of them is actually able to traverse the tricky "slanted brush" that leads to the ammo room, they will more than likely get stuck and hang around there until you shove the impact hammer into their groin and shoot them out. Hell, I don't blame the poor suckers. I tried hiding in there, away from the rest of the surrounding horror, but it got boring after the first six hours and I was forced to move.

Once you leave your safe pseudo-"base", you're greeted by a hail of auto-cannon gunfire and flying spikes. Just keep running forward. You'll soon end up in a garage with two parked UFOs and some prefab spaceships lying around. However, make sure not to stop for even a second, because the new auto-cannons in the room are unloading unlimited rounds into you! Quick, jump into the water and be attacked by the giant squid which inhabit UFO Town for some unnatural reason! Once you dispatch of those underwater fiends, you'll end up right in the middle of the enemy's base, which is two square rooms connected with a square hallway. Since the size of the main room is about as big as the area under your sink, and every time you kill an enemy he spawns in that same room, you can be pretty much sure that you're going to have a fun time destroying the mutant alien kidney you're supposed to blow up in order to win. The map can be beaten in under 15 seconds if you know what you're doing, but the memory of it will smolder in the back of your skull until the day you decide to wuss out and finally pull the trigger.

GAMEPLAY: Based on the gameplay alone, I cannot imagine UFO Town gets really busy in the tourist season, unless there's a union meeting for the 523rd Division of Autocannon Maintenance Personnel.

FUN FACTOR: This map is a sadomasochist's wet dream.

THE BOTTOM LINE: I can't really define what makes me despise this map so much, but I hate it with the passion of a thousand suns. The lighting is plain, the rooms are basic squares, the textures are banal, and the gameplay is straight forward run n' gun drudgery. Yet, despite all these positive points, the map still ends up making me pray for the sweet embrace of death. "UFO Town"? Nope, more like "UF Oh No Town".

- Cranky Steve