GAME REVIEW: QUAEK 4

oh no teh strogg are back and at it againe so yuo must become a dessert marine in space and shots them all before tehy turn all Americans into meat sandwitches courtesy of Uncle Sam's painful surprize. if yuo havent nevar palayed teh Quaek games before hear is a synposis:

QUAEK 1: Trent rezner makes yuo waddal through a castal and I think there were bad dogs in thes game too kills but I dont remembar. There was a shamblar and a ghost and a pudgy guy named Greg Kite who was crazzey in eight differant degrees truth be told. yuo get guns liek nailguns and railguns and snailguns and maleguns. AND LIGHTNING GUNS and machene guns. teh storey was something about teleporting yuor fat ass back to Moscow. GO GET EM SOLDIAR!!!

QUAEK 2: BEST GAME EVER IN TEH HISTORY OF MODARN MAN!!!!! but it was not about teleproting anywmore it was about Strogg witch are liek men except men with robot parts and they made machenes which churned mankind into buttar paste to be used in teh dastardly gears of war. Jerry said this game was an analogy for World War 2 but GEE JERRY I DONT REMEMBER MEAT MAN IN WORALD WAR 2 MAYBE I SHOULD READ UP ON TEH DISCOVARY CHANNAL ABOUT SECRETS BEHIND HITLAR. there were many guns in thes game too liek a machene gun and railgun and rockat laucnahar and uhhhhhhhh my favorite teh grenade launchar. I palay allot of Quake 2 online my naem si "-={[<^GUMSHOE^>]}=-"

QUAEK 3: MORTAL KOMBAT IN SPACE WITH JUMPADS

QUAEK 4: QUAKE 2 PART 2.

I dont know teh story of the quake games maybe its too hard for me to understand I guess. Hello soldiar yuo must destroy thes castals and ghosts and oh wait now there are robot men making meat kill them too and forget the castal oh wait now yuo must compete in a space tornamint to declare victory over Paul Steeds eyeball tit monstars NO WAIT NOW TEH STROGG ARE BACK AT IT AGAIN SO MAYEBE KILL THEM TOO HERE'S ANOTHAR ROBOT FOR YUO TOO FEASTS YUOR EYES UPON. whatevar happened to paul steed anyway I think he's a woman now

so as a lone wolf yuo must once again defeat all teh strogg who like I mentioned before are half man half meat half robot half evil macheines which yuo latar find out are fellow soldiars transformed into evil when they get robot parts on them and injected by a turkey baster full of evil molecules! I DONT WANT TO RUIN TEH GAME FOR YUO BUT YUO GET TURNED INTO A STROGG HALFWAY THROUGH TEH GAME!!! but yuo dont get 100% turned into one becuase ytuo are saved before evil molecules are injected into yuor stomach! yuo become HALG MAN HALF ROBOT which means yuor health si now 125% instead of 100% and yuor font has teh numbar 3 instead of "E". WOW ROBOTS SURE ARE COMPLEX WHAT WITH THEIR TEXT READING "3XIT" INSTEAD OF "EXIT" oh yeah also evarything is orange and really I dont know why this paragrahph si centared I hate dreamweasal,,,

WECLEOM TO EARTFH

also in thes game yuo get to pilot a "mech' which si short for "mechanible robot" and I guess its tallar than yuo but thanks to teh wondarful Doom 3 engine it looks teh same size and outdoors looks liek yuo are inside a bathroom where a motel painting artist threw paint on teh walls and said "VIOLA, YUO ARE OUTDOORS." the Doom 3 engine was writtan by John Camrack and has many exelennct featares such as:

#1 - EVARYTHING IS MADE OF PLASTIC
#2 - EVARYTHING IS SMALL
#3 - LOADING SCREENS EVARY 10 FEET
#4 - LOTS OF FOG AND COLLARED LIGHTS
#5 - A FINE SELECTIAN OF FONTS TO SIMULATE YUO BECOMEING A ROBOT WHICH MEANS "3" = "E"

stick to sending rockets into space john becuase yuor new engine si teh pits and thank yuo raven software for somehow cramming Doom 3 inside Quaek 2 to make a brand new game based on meat men robots on Mars waht a special treat for this holliday indeed. 0h n0 I ha3v b3c0m3 a r0b0t h4h4h4h4h4h4h4h4h44444444444!!!

EDITAR"S NOTE: THIS GAME HAS EXPLODEING BARRELS IN IT

PS: ANNA KANG TELL YUOR HUSBAND TOO MAKE BETTAR GAMES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!! HES GOT PROBLEMS

overall rating:

out of stars

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