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08.24.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "The Gallery"
Help me, I'm trapped in hell.
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
Deathmatch possibly
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Yes
Spelling Errors in Text File: No
Pain Level:
Camping outside of Richard Simmons' house to catch a glimpse of him naked.

Download Here (384k)

This map is awful. This map is immoral, unwarranted punishment to play. The creator of this hideous creation should be taken out back and made to drink dog urine.

"Yes, is there any law against letting people with no sense of architecture or design make maps? There isn't? Great!"

DESCRIPTION: According to the text file description of this map, there's "room for improvement but plays very well." There's definitely room for improvement, a huge goddamn room the size of Idaho. As for "playing well", the map plays incredibly well until Quake 2 actually loads it and the game begins. Then it all goes downhill. This map can best be described as "a series of bizarrely lighted rooms, lacking any coherent design structure and joined by hallways that are fucked eight ways from Tuesday."

THE MAP: What can I say about this map that doesn't elicit a long, colorful string of profanities? Not very fucking much. First of all, the walls are screwed up. Almost the entire map is double brushed, with brushes trying to occupy the same space with other ones. This creates a remarkable "Jello" effect. Now Cranky Steve likes Jello, folks, but not in his maps. Every fucking wall (and many floors) wobble and vibrate more than Marlon Brando on a trampoline.

But the fun doesn't end there. Colored lighting is thrown all over the map like a hyperactive eight year old with crayons. Textures are not included (or missing, who the hell knows), giving the wonderful default red and black missing texture pattern. The textures that actually are here seem to have been picked based on a random number generator, making the map just reach out and scream "I have no clue what I'm doing, please stop me before I make another map."

Double brushes make me so horny. Lay em on, barkeep, I'm a big boy!

The author does appear to display a bit of intelligence, as he was able to download some prefab telelporters and, of course, Quake 2 crates (tm) to put in his map. But these features are really overshadowed by the rest of the bizarre, intensely stupid and ugly crap that defines this horrific masterpiece.

GAMEPLAY: I tried to trick the Forgetful Lumberjack into playing this map with me, but he outsmarted me and killed the power to his computer before Quake 2 was able to load the map. I think I'll just renamed the map "aeroq2.bsp" on his computer and ask him if he's up for any one-on-one... muhahaha!

FUN FACTOR: This map is very fun to have running on your computer in a very high traffic room, as everybody who passes by will look at your monitor and ask "what the fuck is that?" You could probably charge admission.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Making maps like this should be an arrestable offense and carry a longer prison term than auto theft.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 9
Gameplay: - 8
Item placement: - 8
Layout: - 6
Detail: - 7
TOTAL: - 38

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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