Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
One man's struggle to save the housing market from unexpected murders.
Who needs three months of endless summer fun? You have a career!
Nietzsche will make you believe God is Dead after you see what these kids did for their sick classmate.
Commonly referenced in pop culture and embraced by business idiots with delusions of leading interesting lives, The Art Of War is an ancient rumination on strategy. Everyone seems to take it for granted that it's a brilliant book. Has anyone actually read it, though?
Girl, you know I just want to get you home, take off all your clothes and spend hours recreating obscure sex things for Wikipedia.
With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans take such a good boy, such a big boy, what a good big boy, yes you are. The Texans have been working out Bortles for a while now; according to reports, they even had him race a horse. Bortles lost, but they were impressed when later, he was able to finish plate after plate of horse meat.
I bought the male gorilla and inspected him top to bottom. Even flipped him over to see the underside. I can tell you with absolute authority they did not do their due diligence in terms of anatomy. Important orifices are missing, making this thing 100% non-functional.
Steak-Umm's new social media policy prevents you from living your life.
The date seems to be going great, but only because you have been ignoring these warning signs that your life may be endangered by found footage.
Do you like movies that feature Marvel characters? I hope you like them. A lot. As in, "I could watch several every year until at least 2028," because a new Businessweek article reveals that Marvel has indeed mapped out their movie plans for the next fourteen years.
Great southern author William Faulkner, also an avid cryptozoologist, relates his encounter with bigfoot.
Something Awful is proud to present updates to the unspoken code of conduct that separates the Burger Kings from the Burger Paupers.
The professor pushes the American Soldier aside. The Professor is wearing a tight tweed suit. His glasses glean with an ethnic slant. He makes an awful face and sneers into the microphone. 'Inner city teens are running amok. Where is God to stop them? If God is real, may he strike me down now! Will God knock me out? Is God the Ultimate Rogue Teen?'
It doesn’t matter that it’s still forty degrees out, the future is here and it’s in the form of two gross twigs sticking out a pair of khakis.
Most of the frontline units of nice guys are already in the friendzone and the Gynocrat has achieved pay equity. Can Big Boss Bedrock save mankind?
We fear the shooting, the terrorist attack, the car accident, the Google Glass wearer. Yet most of us will never suffer injuries from these looming threats. Our greatest risk comes at home, from the unassuming objects we interact with every day without thinking twice.
American poet Charles Bukowski, known for his squalid poems about the working class, comes to terms with the age of tech.
Winter is a cold, inhuman force, so plow drivers are trained to be cold and inhuman as well. On their first day on the job they're subjected to Chinese snowflake torture - basically the same as water torture except with snowflakes instead of water and Christmas carols playing in the background.
This is the dog that was stuck on the roof of CVS for three months, right? He was up there barking all the time, eating birds, p***ing off the edge? I remember the fire department finally brought the ladder in to get him down, but he had somehow disappeared.
How one man utilized the cybersocial quasisphere to generate meaningful social change in the face of incredible odds.
Is that KANYE WEST's visible heartbeat? You won't believe which Los Angeles luminaries entered this columnist's threat range this week!
First gen virtual reality: A circular platform surrounded by a waist-high rail prevented you from walking off into an open furnace. A thirty pound helmet was affixed to your head with straps made entirely of nerd sweat and dandruff.
Gamer Girl or Girl Gamer? Know how to spot a girl who is not treating video games with the utmost respect they deserve.
How liberal Hollywood refuses to tell both sides of a story.
Somehow ten years have passed since the premiere of Lost. While I liked the show quite a bit and even participated in some truly shameful mythos speculation, I'm not going to pretend that it was the greatest television series ever made.
As if listening to Irish punk music wasn’t enough. This is an official warning: Holidays Just Got Real.
David Brooks, a man who has not watched basketball in years, gives you the hot picks to help fill out your own March Madness bracket.
Now that the WWE Network has launched, every pay per view show from the company's history is available to stream. That's great. It's also overwhelming. What's the difference between all these events? Which ones are worth your time?
SXSW is the world''s hottest tech show next to Comic-Con and the Mex-Texas Rodeo Convention. Find out what 2014's biggest innovations were.
Hello, you've reached 911 emergency services, if you are calling about how the chicken nuggets at McDonalds are too crispy, please know that we are aware of this situation and we are working on it. If you are calling about a medical emergency, please sit tight as we are very busy with the chicken thing.
A Microsoft Titanfall EA Titanfall guide... THE ONLY Last guide You'll ever need! Strategy! DLC! MS Points! EA! FPS! Ozone! VSTs! FPS!
Only three episodes left until the big finale of this show! The finale you have all been waiting for to season 4. Or was it season 5?
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Be on the lookout for these armed and dangerous oldsters.
Instead of complaining about the cold, ask yourself where Spring has been all this time.
H.P. Lovecraft is subjected to all six Star Wars movies and tries to put into words the horrors he witnessed.
"Hi there, folks. Rick Deckard here. I am a Blade Runner. You know, sometimes I get to thinking and I wonder if maybe I myself am an android. Weird, right? Wouldn't that be something?"
The Jerk Store called and just read off a list of jokes without pausing for me to say anything.
The walls of my dorm are covered with supermodel posters. Today I tore one down looking for an electrical outlet and saw the words "HELP ME" written repeatedly on the wall in a mix of blood and hair gel, but then the poster re-affixed itself to the wall like a rapidly healing wound.
Your typical wall-mount unit, run through hell. Homeless people often use this fountain to bathe, and as such, there can be a long wait and lots of naked men with visible sores. I was patient and waited over an hour for my turn, and it was not worth the time. Water ran rusty, weak flow, and missing a push button.
Whew! The 750,000 missing bitcoins have been found!