Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
Find out how to protect you and your loved ones with convenient tips about nature's slowest and most uncommon killer.
Below you will find actual posts from video game message boards. Can you figure out which games they're talking about? Take a guess then hover your mouse over each post to see the correct answer. If you can't hover a mouse cursor over each post because you''re on a tablet or phone, eat a rotten butt.
Time to let your pimples bubble and swell under your beard like some acne Machu Picchu.
Reddit's /r/writingprompts covers what redditors truly care about: time travel, Harry Potter, Batman & Hitler.
Sinners are an easy target and one that is already suffering in squalor. Aim higher. Punch up.
SNAKE: [faint sound of Kiefer Sutherland being paid per word] OK
It's been a painful month thus far for Shaggy Butte's steadfast sippers. While a few fountains have shown great promise, such as the VFW Hall's new fountain, many are pumping out plenty of disappointment. Unless you've simply gotta try 'em all, keep your thirst away from these certified diarrhea hydrants.
You thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Bringing your porcelain pig to an Antiques Roadshow taping fifteen years ago. Peddling your deceit to the hosts and camera crew. You were good. But I'm better.
Here's the five wildest moments from one amazing night!
Voters are finally asking Donald Trump the hard questions and here are a few you are likely to hear at upcoming town halls.
Learn about MacArthur High School's many brushes with fake terror.
Every month the editors of Deathbed Testbed provide expert opinions on the hottest technology as they perish.
A helpful guide for coping with your inability to function like an adult.
Hearthstone has over 30 million players worldwide. So clearly, they're doing something wrong. Could more useful emotes save this doomed little game?
My wife and I dwell in a simpler time, even if the foolish modern world goes on around us.
Late in the 21st century, most human recreation is performed by robots. Every night, the robots go to bars and nightclubs and transmit the experience to their human masters. At the end of the night, the robots must return to their factories to be destroyed. This is not called execution. It’s called closing time.
Back in the 1980s Bill Gates definitely said "No computer will ever need more than 640k of memory, which isn't a lot of memory at all but there you go". This statement has haunted Gates ever since.
The bigotry must stop in this country. Sonic and Tails belong together and their happiness is all that matters.
A guide to the loud, large men who will be filling our living room weekly.
He has unlocked the secrets of the universe and seen beyond the mortal plane, yet Doctor Strange can't believe how easy it is to eat an olive.
You can realize that you’ve wasted the last few moments of youth at an occupation you hate or fool yourself into a numb compliance with one of these great excuses.
You've heard of #BlackLivesMatter and #AllLivesMatter, but the ancient voice of a mountain offers us the hardest truth of all: #NoLivesMatter. And also some opinions about immigrants.
The ISIS head of propaganda holds a brainstorming session with his top men to come up with new viral videos.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe is the TROPE NAMER for: You Just Got Marvel Cinematic Universe’d!
Fear the Walking Dead features an entirely new cast of characters. These guys are corpses, but they move around and moan. It's ridiculous. Their flesh is all discolored and gross. They shamble towards living people and bite them. Who the heck thought of this nonsense?
We did not begin this war, but America must not quit it until it has been won. Our rights must be protected and the sacrifice of all those brave men and women must be honored.
Satan has tested poor Josh Duggar at every opportunity and Josh hasn't always passed those tests.
Right now, your child's bedroom closet could be full of ticking time bombs. These seemingly harmless items may be branded with phrases like "Honorable Mention" or "Certified Lil' Slugger," but, in reality, they spell one thing: trouble.
A recent article laid out a disturbing pattern of employee cruelty and abuse at Amazon. For some reason my unequivocal denial, "That sure doesn't sound like the company I know... ha... ha..." wasn't clear enough. Well, today I'd like to correct that by addressing every specific charge in the article.
A helpful guide for anyone who hasn’t quite figured it out.
Making films may be a visual medium, we may live in an era of everyone having a video camera, but you're going to read a description of an advertisement.
Dwight Eisenhower prepared for every contingency with his D-Day Speeches.
We’ve been called the world’s most dangerous band. That title mainly refers to the danger of being in our band, which has lost several members due to drug overdoses, time-travel mishaps or because they were eaten by our drummer, Quark. I'd fire Quark, but he's 12 feet tall and is our moral compass for all decisions that don't involve eating people.
Not only are glass houses challenging to live in, they're also expensive. It cost me a fortune to hire a team of glass blowers to construct an entire ranch-style house out of pure glass. You should be criticizing me for that, not me throwing a stone.
The Gadsden flag is certainly striking and iconic, but most people have no idea that it was merely one part of a twelve-flag work of sequential art. If you want to understand the full scope of this historical artifact, you must see it in its original context.
As a great ally, I just had some thoughts about the tone of your argument that would help out.
Choose which screen beast you want to triumph in the primary and face Hillary in the lair of the white worm.
Learn how to simplify your life from someone with no earthly desires.
When I try to clear the ball, run into me at a thousand miles per hour, sending me flying halfway across the map. If the ball is coming down in front of the opposing goal and I'm in position to tap it in, run into me at a thousand miles per hour. Never stop slamming into me at a thousand miles per hour, unless you can slam into me even faster.
eSports are getting more attention, but these new non-nerd spectators have no idea what's going happening. Help them understand how and why you've decided to waste your life with these simple approaches.
Donald Trump is drafting friends, relatives, and even enemies into his fantasy cabinet.
This Halloween, the most terrifying house for policemen is opening its doors. If you're a cop, get ready to have nightmares!
Ariana Grande? No way! Here's a podcast that looks squarely at Ariana Grande and says, ‘No way!’
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
Leonard Cohen's "Nevermind" is sliced up differently for each episode of True Detective's second season. Find out what the lyrics mean!