Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
Out here in the Wild West we got some rules for gunfightin', like a pregnant lady ain't gotta be carryin' iron for you to draw on her first.
The difference Sims 4 players will face if they're not willing to pay for a monthly subscription.
How can we better be sold to by multinational corporations?
They told us to stop playing videogames on a school night. If only we'd ignored them.
As a vicious predator, I find that I have a constant, overwhelming urge to lick apples out of a huge block of ice. It's only, natural, right?
Of all the many sports with extended musical entrances involving pyrotechnics and enormous screens, professional wrestling is easily the most educational. Each installment of WWE's Monday Night Raw features informative factoid graphics which pop up during the action to expand the audience's horizons.
July 17th, 2014 was a huge day for all the news THEY don't want you to read. We are all hands on deck with our TRUTH from the breaking news out of East Ukraine, Israel, and Libya.
Are you a connoisseur? Do you know blends from single malts? Only a refined palate can truly appreciate all the different ways Scotch can taste terrible.
So many dogs are just happy to be near him, and it's kind of reassuring. Normally dogs here are very territorial, but it's not uncommon to see 40 or even 50 dogs all peacefully resting around him in a circular formation. It's a welcome sight if you ask me.
Everybody loves lists and everybody loves staring at crime scene accidents, so let's take a look at the 17 worst games we've played since the last X worst games we've played! We personally guarantee we'll refund 100% of your time and money if these games are not as absolutely awful as described.
At 4:20, not 4:19, not 4:21, I take my cannabis pills and step into the sensory deprivation tank to work on my stoner laugh. You think it comes naturally? Fuck you.
There were no good pizzas nearby. After developing my own home made dough and sauce through trial and error for several months, there continued to be no good pizzas.
There is a simple reason they keep making games with featureless blocks as protagonists: featureless blocks are the majority of gamers.
A car chase connoisseur weighs in on the latest Uber fiasco.
"A" Condition clothing: All bets are off smell-wise. Areas that normally bend, such as the spots around your knees or elbows, will be rigid.
Overall, your general self-confidence should be peaking somewhere between First Slow Song At Middle School Dance and Being Late For A Prostate Examination.
Too much tax money getting wasted. It's real simple. We need ramps, ropes, slides, attack helicopters and a goddang bulldozer to get the Irish out.
Superman stands in the rain, scowling as he studies a chart with every color in the universe, from grey to blue grey to black.
Every year the dangers of fireworks to children are brought up by local news and Internet videos. But what about the dangers of heavy metal to children?
I'm walking down the street when a white man asks me if I know what time it is. I think he's trying to mug me or sell me Bruce Springsteen tickets, so I throw my pizza at him and run.
Here's how it went down: bought a dinosaur to bury and surprise my kids by digging it up with them. I don't remember where I buried it, so, basically this thing is a huge waste of money and a total rip off. It's not even real anyway. Give me a damn refund.
There are a lot of terrible erotic brony cyber-encounters happening all around us. I read one.
I am sick of people claiming my flag stands for hatred and bigotry. That flag is not about hate. It stands for my precious heritage.
If you don't get the appeal of the Slide, that's because Adobe has engineered this product for the future. Specifically, for six months from now, when you open a drawer and come across this physical manifestation of buyer's remorse alongside a cell phone heart rate monitor and Google's Nexus Q.
The Worst Mommy Blogger shares the cruel story of her trip to a Cabela's with her son wearing a pink shirt. The heartless behavior of some people she imagined will threaten your faith in humanity.
Zip! Bleep! Blap! Video games aren't just for kids! And they're big bucks!
Everyone hates it, but few understand the complex dance of the flop.
Find out what Americans call a long sandwich, an athletic shoe that is cut high on the ankle or a game with a round ball kicked towards goals.
The archangel Michael broods as a pile of oiled up women sleep behind him in elaborate poses. Michael is looking out over Vega, which is like Las Vegas but (I'm assuming) strictly for fans of Tom's Diner and Luka.
Legendary writer Ernest Hemingway dares to turn his simple prose to the forbidden romance between Frontier Zone sheriff Tails and hunky outlaw Master Chief
CANCER FACT: A group of people called "Cancer Chasers" try to contract cancer by sleeping with cancer patients. Most are unsuccessful, except for a few who get cancer from smoking after sex.
What happened to these naked dads will warm your heart. Share! Viral!
Are you an old guy writing for one of America's most prestigious newspapers? Do you want to write a column about sexual assaults being exaggerated on college campuses? We're here to help.
Half the people who play video games are female. Maybe ten percent of all games feature women as playable characters. That figure could go as high as eleven percent if the protracted lawsuit to canonize my Tetris fan fiction pans out.
When we invaded Iraq in 2003 we were making a solemn promise to the Iraqi people. Now more than ever, the region desperately needs America's leadership. And bombs.
I'm just a normal guy, from the future, a bleak future where the only movies are comic book movies, and if you imply that you don't like it, or say that you remember when movies did not consist entirely of guys doing superhero poses in front of a green screen, a guy from on line who does future tech support for a living will fight you to the death.
I guess your $2 cup of coffee came with squatter's rights. Comets circle the earth and come crashing back before you plan on getting up.
The senior software engineer for Loadini Pro shares his concerns about hiring a woman to develop the logistics software.
ook ook, we got a helluva deal on some dang ol' DVDs! A BARREL OF LAFFS!
After studying the film closely I have determined that the Miami Heat weren't able to stand the heat. They certainly got out of the kitchen, like it was too dang hot for them.
Outraged Twitter users manage to force an apology from infamous baseball star Ty Cobb over his recent statements and actions.
Do not try to kill anybody because of a fake, floppy-armed idiot trying to throw notes around the forest.