There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
Thirty-two of the hottest Xmas dads!
I think it's time we say what we've all been thinking: midnight basketball is no longer effective against black teens. We must resort to more drastic measures.
The universe is vast. It's so darn big that you can't even see the entire thing at once unless you take a few steps back and stand on a chair.
This is a warning to bread: you are truly fucked. Sucks to be a bread right about now.
Something Awful's official guide to the best deals the hopelessly corrupt American healthcare system has to offer.
I meet up with Jason Fumes at the What-U-Eat in Spider Lake, WI. He’s fumbling with fruit and wires. "I'm hooking electrodes up to the lemons," he explains. "There was a sighting here and we'd love to get some readings." A cashier had seen a woman stuffing lemons into her purse and cursing at other customers. It sounds like a real retail nightmare.
You aren’t making a sandwich, you’re making a mess.
TekWar author, producer, actor, and creative force, William Shatner, helps out Gateway Computers with their new product rollout.
One neat trick that you won't believe. These hottest celebs are married to soccer players and they aren't wearing makeup. This is an incredible article.
A new edit of Blade Runner promises to finally showcase the complete version of the most famous speech in sci-fi film history.
The terrifying reality of being trapped underwater with three other British people.
Before I get to the list of the summer fashion trends you're sure to see in 2013, we should probably address the elephant in the room. Yes, it's a tiny bit late. It's practically still summer in some places, so everything here is 100% applicable and prescient
Two hot babes, Erin and Jean, move into the house and encounter a mysterious fortune teller down the block.
Cool surfin' dog Pawly P is not taking his brand seriously. How can he expect us to do everything for him when he is actively sabotaging his brand?
This thing's package is a cardboard box with edges that are VERY SHARP. It only took three minutes of vigorous rubbing before a wound appeared on my neck.
Do you lead a horrible hell-life devoid of comfort and human affection? PS4 is here! Self-soothe with the state of the art in psychic pain mitigation.
What happens when you want to tell your husband you're leaving him and write Weird Al a fan letter, but you only have one envelope left?
If you haven't already pre-ordered a PS4, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else will have all the fun and there won't be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
Six simple tips on awkwardly writing about yourself!
Atheist scientist Sir Richard Dawkins returns to write about his favorite artisanal honeys.
Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
America's rockin' bad a$$ Kid Rock may be wild and rowdy, but he is respectful of the Stars and Stripes.
To be a designated driver I drink beer, then do coke to cancel out the beer, then Quaaludes to take the edge off the coke, then PCP to stay awake on the Quaaludes, then more beer to drown out my friends, who are yelling at me to find my clothes and get off the roof because they want to go home.
I’ve been using this thing on my dog and I’ve got him smooth as a marble. It’s getting harder to coax him out of the closet he’s been hiding in, but he’s never been sleeker. Wish I could get the hair underneath his skin, that’s what’s driving me crazy. Sooner or later I’ll get that too.
There may be 8.8 billion earthlike planets in the galaxy, but ours is the horniest.
Slaughterhouse-Five author, Kurt Vonnegut, returns from the unfortunate state of not existing to write some copy for Sears.
Sitting at your computer for hours on end is unhealthy. It promotes bad posture, shifts all of your guts down into your belly button, and lowers your lifespan by an average of four to eighteen years.
Being asked to take a blind smell test sounds like easy money, until that clean, beach aroma is revealed to be a desert of blackened skulls patrolled by murderous machines.
Guest Columnist Dylan Grobler examines the truth behind President Obama's secret skeletal ties.
In a testament to our on-going attempts to grow as a community, this year marks the first time we’ve named a male target Sexiest Victim. Undead slasher (and gender-boundary smasher!) Lizzy Keller offed an all-male victim pool (the men of a modeling agency), and she had a real cheesecake moment with the ‘Buff Blond Guy Oiling Himself.’ You go, girl!
But I won’t like it.
We reveal twenty of J.D. Power's most influential associates and the jobs they do with the powerful consumer researcher.
Within the fiction of the show, Doctor Who is an immortal "Time Wizard". He takes a nap when one actor departs and he wakes up with a new face as well as a slightly different personality. This process reminds me of my childhood dog, only it happens every few years rather than every six months.
Slovenian philosopher, lecturer, writer and spitter, Slavoj Zizek, updates the wikipedia episode guide for CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls.
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly into its flight path.
A growing Internet controversy forces the Juggernaut to confront his past comments about women and the handicapped.
Here's a fun Easter Egg: By default, the icon for every native Windows 8 application now depicts a YouTube personality making a very wacky face, often at an odd angle. To access this Easter Egg, look at an icon and see it.
Ray Kurzweil meets Jeff Foxworthy. Because even after the gray goo starts to spread across the land there will still be rednecks that need help identifying themselves.
In a Something Awful exclusive, get an insider's look at the creative forces behind this beloved sitcom about family, togetherness, and potions.
Don't let him start playing soccer before reading this!
After setting his sights on the factual errors in Gravity, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson takes aim at the mega-macho revenge flick Machete Kills.
Hope Cassidy is a young computer hacker who prove her worth when she order a pizza using the internet. Ali Abay informs her by telegram that she has the job. While she is on the plane she suddenly meets a sky marshal who give her a champagne and a earring and we can see her computer screen while she is distracted says "YOU BEEN HACKED".
New York Times opinion thinker Thomas Friedman takes time off from his globe-hopping insights to write for the IHOP menu.
Eryk danced with the dress across the parking lot. The street lights became disco balls, the raccoons by the dumpster became promgoers and slow-dance music played from the storm drains. "Look,” the dress said, “They’re announcing us prom queen and queen.”
Came to identify a body. Noticed this fountain in the corner and decided to help myself. The experience was so awful it soured the rest of my day. There was mold all over the spigot, and a heavy buildup of hardened phlegm inside. I felt terrible knowing my son's corpse was sitting so close to such a miserable excuse for a fountain.
What lies below Devil's Manor? In one of the latter chapters of the book, we explore the foundations of the devilish sexhouse.