Front Page
   Ask Jeff K
   Awful Links
   Backyard Love
   Clan Hell
   Deeper Looks
   Fake SA
   Kid's Korner
   Legal Threats
   Len's Law
   Reviews - Games
   Reviews - Movies
   ROM Pit
   State Og



   Bjørnar B.
   Cliff Yablonski
   Cranky Steve
   Jeff K.
   Leonard Crabs
   Planet Sandy
   SA Turban
   The Stile Project
   Penny Arcade
   Geist Magazine
   Old Man Murray
   Portal of Evil
   Troma Films

   Blues News
   The Shuga Shack

08.27.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "Chuckie"
This about sums up "Chuckie".
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
None that I'm aware of.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Underuse of all lighting.
Spelling Errors in Text File: Not really
Pain Level:
Sitting on angry lobsters.

Download Here (150k)


You're supposed to get in this door. Don't ask me how. Oh yeah, nice lighting, eh?

Do you like darkness? Do you like not being able to go from room to room in a map? Do like typing "noclip" in the console to get from one room to another? I don't, and consequently thought this map sucked harder than Richard Simmons in a sailor's convention.

DESCRIPTION: The author, who must've been in a drunken stupor while writing the text description, claims this is a single player map. If the term "single player" just means that "there are bad guys placed randomly in the map", then yeah, I guess it's single player. In the description, the author says there are three bugs in this map. Let me list them here and give you a description of what they mean:

Bug: Translation:
"There are a few alignment problems": Map is fucking ugly
"Lighting is inadequate in places": You can't see shit
"You must jump and crouch to exit the pillbox": There is no way to exit this room

THE MAP: Well, you spawn into a room with a couple flags on the walls. There are a few of the insane Quake 2 grunts, casually walking around and clipping into the walls as if to say 'We want out of this map too, please help us.' I felt very sorry for them, and tried to rescue them all, but I wasn't able to. I had to settle for shooting them to death with my blaster and putting them out of their misery. It was the humane thing to do.

"Hey Frankie, da flag won't fit in DA room!"
"Duhh, so whut, Louie, nobody will notice!"

OK, so you jump through the big flag and end up in a room with a plank over a lava pit. Now I know what you're thinking, 'Gee Cranky Steve, sounds like you need to jump on the plank to get over the lava pit!' Nope. Bzzzzt! Wrong! You keep forgetting that only in a good map would you do something like that. You see, there is a reason this map is on Cranky Steve, and it's not because the author is serving a five year jail sentence for soliciting a horse. If you try to do the rational thing and jump onto the plank, you realize that it's not solid and you fall straight through to the lava. Whee! Actually, it turns out that there's not even anything behind the door either; you were meant to fall into the lava, so you could get to a teleport that warps you to the next room. Once again, whee!

From that teleporter, you end up in a room the size of a confessional booth. There does not seem to be any way to escape from this room. There's a small window, but it's not big enough to fit through, and to add to the fun, there's about six guys outside lobbing grenades in through the window. Oh yeah, and you're still stuck with the blaster as well! The fun never ends in this map! I guess that's ok though, as it looks like a blind and drunk spotlight operator is controlling the lights outside, so there's no real motivation to get there. I think I just turned on noclip then and jumped out of the map as fast as I could.

GAMEPLAY: Uhm, "sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks" is the best way I can convey how I feel about this map. Sure, a map with no way to get from one room to the next sounds like a fantastic idea on paper, but it just seems to fail during execution. I don't know why.

FUN FACTOR: The best way to experience how fun this map is it to turn off all the lights in your room and lock yourself in the closet until somebody comes by and starts shooting grenades at you. Oh yeah, make sure the closet is full of poisonous snakes and scorpions as well, so you can really absorb the pain.

THE BOTTOM LINE: I'd like to burn an effigy of this map while cursing the author's name and shouting obscenities at God.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 6
Gameplay: - 9
Item placement: - 9
Layout: - 6
Detail: - 4
TOTAL: - 34

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

Email LowtaxSearch Something AwfulMain Page