Front Page
   Ask Jeff K
   Awful Links
   Backyard Love
   Clan Hell
   Deeper Looks
   Fake SA
   Kid's Korner
   Legal Threats
   Len's Law
   Reviews - Games
   Reviews - Movies
   ROM Pit
   State Og



   Bjørnar B.
   Cliff Yablonski
   Cranky Steve
   Jeff K.
   Leonard Crabs
   Planet Sandy
   SA Turban
   The Stile Project
   Penny Arcade
   Geist Magazine
   Old Man Murray
   Portal of Evil
   Troma Films

   Blues News
   The Shuga Shack

10.17.2000: Daniel St. Clair - Q2 DM: "CLYP"
The author of this review states that he has been unable to sleep at night since playing "CLYP".
Author: MiTTenZ
Reviewed By: Daniel St. Clair

Game Mode Supported: DM maybe.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Fullbright!

Spelling Errors in Text File: None included in map archive. 

Pain Level: Lying face down in a pile of broken glass and nails with three midgets jumping on your back attempting to sodomize you with a watermelon.

Download Here (36k)

I think that this is supposed to be a screenshot of the ceiling, but then again I thought that the Mets were going to be done in by St. Louis so what do I know.

AT A GLANCE: Remember the terrible "Madbomber" by MiTTenZ? The one that got a -51... the alltime lowest score ever? Well the genius who created that monstrosity is at it again with "My GrAtEsT MpA EvErrr!!" (his words, not mine). Only this time, instead of going with the premise of "trying to kill you even before you begin to play the map", he has apparently learned that "symmetry is good." He uses his kindergarten level knowledge of "a square is the same on all sides" to copy and paste the brushes of this awful map into existence. Only thing is, when combined with his horrific sense of texturing and the fact that he can't quite master getting the actual symmetry/map balance down, the result is more along the lines of a schizophrenic's skinner-box nightmare.

DESCRIPTION: Unfortunately, this real-life Jeff K kid didn't include another entertaining readme file in his map, so instead I'll have to point out that his suicide-inducing site is a few broken links away from being a candidate for an awful link of the day. He's one of those kids whom has recently discovered how "k3wL" it is to alternate the caps lock when typing. He seems to have all the maps (including Madbomber) except this one locked under security password on his website. I presume this may have been a result of Cranky Steve, but it may have been a forced move by the government. The fact that all his maps except this one are locked down may actually be a blessing in disguise... a very bad disguise, I might add. If he and his mentally retarded friends are the only ones playing the maps, they might actually have an after-school-special-on-PCP-usage-jump-out-a-window-and-Darwin-themselves-from-existence party. Let us hope.

THE MAP: One word: fullbright. The child prodigy still hasn't bothered to study the VERY easy to find and bountiful tutorials on how the hell he's supposed to use lighting entities. In many ways, this may actually be a plus, because I frankly don't know if I could endure seeing a map like this with a disco-vomit motif. We've already seen his first experimental map; I don't think we want to see his experiments with colored lighting. And the map design is probably the most-overused style of all amateur map designers - a big column/building with ramps inside it. They somehow think they are being original or that it's fun to create a spiral-shaped map that you can look directly down and see your buddies in.
Perhaps the most telling screenshot of the series -- note that there is no one else in the game. Sad.

Did I mention that one of the spawn points has a railgun sitting right on it? Yup, this kid is a railgun addict all right. Like anyone ever uses anything BUT the railgun! In an open map like this, a person can camp easily up top, especially with that quickly respawning pack of railgun slugs. Also, the fact that this map has no armor anywhere, makes every railgun hit an insta-kill (though I think the person camping up top would sooner jump to his horrible death than stare at the walls).

GAMEPLAY: The first thing you notice when you load the map is a ramp. A big fucking ramp. WOW! HOLY SHIT! THIS IS UNDDOUBT3DLY T3H GR4TEST M4P EVAR!@!!!1111 After wiping the tears from my eyes, I began to wonder if I am actually supposed to climb up said ramp. I know I can never grasp his sense of subtlety, but personally I don't think that there's a ramp high enough for the maker of this map to JUMP UP MY BUTT.

Pay attention - these are genius map-making skills at work. The next element of professionalism you'll notice are the walls.

Good God, the fucking walls. ONE REPEATING TEXTURE OF A BUTTON-SIZED LIGHT! And if you look up, you'll notice the ceiling consists of about 3 brushes all covered with this texture. Whoopie! Climbing the first ramp, I proceeded to pick up the various weapons as I moved to the top of the symmetrical spawn of copy-and-paste-brushes.

You'll now notice that the floating lava blocks (?) in fact don't kill you, but are solid and you can walk on them. Perfectly logical!

Apparently our maggot-spawned fledgling map designer decided that with all the instant death and violence in from his previous deathtrap-filled map, there should be some friendly lava in this one. Also, I must mention that you can shoot through the lava. Yes, a completely solid object such as a grenade passes through melting lava, but not a space marine. At the top of the ramp you can look down and truly appreciate what a piece of bad, brain-damaged Escher-esque crap this map feels like. Running along the outer edges of the wall, I noticed that the upper platform ring (which, by the way, had a single pack of miscellaneous ammunition at every intersection) was several inches away from the wall at one side, and wedged into the wall at the other.

FUN FACTOR: Not since Gamepro Magazine has the arbitrary term "fun factor" been so defiled. This map is not only unbalanced to actually play, it's impossible to see a damn thing with about 1,000 little tiny orange dots assaulting your optical senses. I never thought that fullbright could be so garishly colored. I invented about 2,329 new cusswords while playing this map. Still, this map not nearly as bad as Madbomber... but it was made by the same sadistic, sociopathic child, and that I will never forget.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Baby Jesus is crying, but he's not bawling. To this kid's credit, he has taken a major step over the previous atrocity. However, that's like saying getting the red-hot fire pokers that were shoved in your bloodied eye sockets to be replaced with chilled ones is a "fine improvement." This map is not nearly as bad of an abomination as "Madbomber" but is still quite terrible in its own right. I can only shudder at what future pain I will experience at the hands of this uncle-molested, insecure, and hyperactive child. I am under the firm impression that if this simpering bed-wetter continues making maps, he will be subject to penalty of law on the grounds of "the creation and distribution of a harmful substance."

- Daniel St. Clair

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 7
Gameplay: - 4
Item placement: - 5
Layout: - 8
Detail: - 6
TOTAL: - 40

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

Email LowtaxSearch Something AwfulMain Page