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10.24.2000: Squonkamatic - Q2 DM: "CoolRed3"
"CoolRed3". We are indeed trapped inside of a bowl of cherry Jell-O.
Author: "Kjartan"
Reviewed By: Squonkamatic

Game Mode Supported: DM
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Ka-Ching!

Spelling Errors in Text File: No text provided. 

Pain Level: Driving rusted railroad ties into your eye sockets.

Download Here (104k)

Nothing like a nice block of gravity defying water to make a map complete.

AT A GLANCE: A couple of weeks ago alert reader Ordeith pointed out a Norwegian language Quake2 map page by a crazed lunatic only known as "Kjartan". There are a half dozen or so bits of binary fecal matter presented on his page that all deserve our attention here, and I am at a loss as to how to approach describing his work - to make one long multi-page post covering his range of design styles, or to attack the job piecemeal, picking each level apart like one dissects a formaldehyde preserved set of internal organs. I chose the latter if only because each and every one of his levels deserves the highest amount of ridicule possible. A blanket approach to reviewing them would not do his lack of talent and judgment justice, as hideous choices of textures, gut searing gobs of colored lights, and ludicrous gameplay permeate each and every one of his levels.

Kjartan likes to use neon pink as a background for his web pages, and translated this love for magenta into three-dimensional terms with this particular map... indeed all I can really remember about the level was PINK LIGHTING and that it was terribly uninteresting to play. It was only after looking at the screenshots that I remembered just what a galling experience it was.

DESCRIPTION: Well, there isn't one. But if your Norwegian is up to snuff, take a look at his page because he burbles on about each and every one of the maps and I'm sure it is quite entertaining to read. If you can get a translation for me (no Babelfish nonsense please) go ahead and email it - there will be future reviews to use them in.

THE MAP: "CoolRed3" is an apt demonstration of mankind's preference for building up. It is a tall box with a smaller box at the top and bottom with ledges and catwalks running up the hideously textured sides. The texture selection in this map is so atrocious that I thought at first it had to have been on purpose... but I was able to convince myself that Kjartan is just clueless and thinks that it was cool. Weapons and items are strewn here and there, and a teleport has been wedged into a photo booth sized box plunked into one of the corners. EVERYTHING is diffused with a sick, barf bag neon pink light that brings neither of the terms "cool" or "red" to mind... "gay fuscia" maybe, but not "cool red". The box on the floor has a block of gravity-defying, free standing water texture than one can "swim up" through to the roof. I can't remember what is on the roof to warrant swimming up, but none the less the structure is a major bot campsite for some reason. Maybe they are trying to scrub off the smelly pink light.
Here we are given a view inside of Satan's Office of Financial Aid and Student Accounts. Take a number and have a seat -- the Scum Bag will be right with you.

The box/structure stuck to the top of the other box is a true gem of map design; textured with computer screen faces and lit from below through missing sections of the floor, it looks like someone's twisted vision of where Student Loan officers work when they aren't out fucking cows or calling to threaten my future. Since there is no spawn point up there, however, you have to scramble all the way up the sides to get at whatever weapon he has stuck in the rafters (grenade launcher, because grenades fall down I guess) and then there is nothing to do except scuttle back down like a crab since that's where all of the play is centered. Pathetic.

GAMEPLAY: Whatever - it's a one room Quake2 deathmatch with a really high ceiling and too much Goddamn pink light. One Eraser Bot wasn't enough and two was too many... you get the picture. I think.

FUN FACTOR: I dunno. I guess if you don't expect much out of a game except jumping up and down like a retard and shooting things AND have a fondness for neon pink this may be the map for you.

THE BOTTOM LINE: I am starting to worry about our Norwegian friends. With such luminaries as Kjartan and the unforgettable Erling Ellingston (creator of the smash RPG hit Era Online) I start to wonder why those people can't do anything that doesn't seem silly and pointless. Too much salted fish maybe.

- Squonkamatic for the People!!

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 5
Item placement: - 4
Layout: - 9
Detail: - 10
TOTAL: - 38

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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