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09.07.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "Deathmatch on Ice"
To your left you'll see the blue area, to your right you'll see the red area, and all around you you'll see awful, awful things.
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
Deathmatch, or possible not.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Yes, and overuse of stretched out textures as well.
Spelling Errors in Text File: You'd better believe it.
Pain Level:
Penis on ice for six hours.





Yeah, praise be to colored lighting. Get down on your knees, this map sucks my N-U-Teez.

This map apparently was placed by mistake into the "Quake 1" map section of Fileplanet and unearthed by Paul from MPQ / Inspection. Some things should be left buried...

DESCRIPTION: Well, according to the author, it's a "Large DM with a partitioned icerink as the central spawn zone." Saying this map is "large" is kinda like saying "a black hole is dark." This map is very, very, very large, much like the emptiness I felt in my soul after playing it. A reasonable amount of people to make this map playable would probably be somewhere in the thousands. And if you can find over 100 people to play this map at once, the collective IQ on the server won't be high enough to tie shoelaces.

What else does the author have to say about this gigantic map / waste of disk space? "The initial textures are basic so as to provide color co-ordination in such a large space, but the rest of the level has a bit more depth." What the fuck...? "Color coordination in such a large space"? Who the hell can decipher that line of gibberish? How does that explain the author shrinking / expanding textures on the walls to give a Wolfenstein look? When will this kid's mom take away his computer already? Why is blood leaking from my ears? All these questions and more answered on the next "Mappers From Hell."

THE MAP: It's an ice skating rink, kind of. There's a white texture on the ground, and you move really fast when you strafe. After you pick up some speed, you can outrun your rockets, which is always a blast. To tell the truth, that was the only real fun part of the map, shooting off a rocket and trying to outrun it and get to the wall it will hit so you can take splash damage and (hopefully) kill yourself.

There are some doors randomly placed around the rink which lead to long prefab hallways populated with prefab lighting structures. Apparently the author is a member of the "Hitscan Fan Club", since if you plan on hitting anybody with a rocket in this map you'd better be prepared to wait a good 20-30 minutes for it to reach them. Maybe you could trick the other guy into running into the rocket by pulling moves like this:

The weapon / ammo placing here is second to none.

YOU: (Shoots rocket at Player) "Hey, Player, why don't you charge straight into my rocket?" (Rocket is 560 feet away)

PLAYER: "Why would I want to do that?" (Rocket is 520 feet away)

YOU: "Because the frag count is 20, and if you die now, we'll only have to repeat this 19 more times. We'll be done with this map before I have to apply for social security." (Rocket is 470 feet away)

PLAYER: "OK!" (Runs into rocket and dies)

YOU: (Much later) "Whew! 20 frags, alright! Hey, it says here on Planetquake that Quake 6 was released today!"

In one area there's a large fishtank-like structure that contains one of the piranhas from Quake 2 SP. I don't know why it was placed in the deathmatch map. Maybe it was to guard the approximately 700 pounds of weaponry that's located in it. There's one of every weapon in there along with crates of ammo and a megahealth. I think the author got tired of that silly "having to look for ammo and conserve resources thing" and decided to drop em all in one place. This is a revolutionary idea, much in the same way as "placing my finger in a vice grip and tightening it" is.

GAMEPLAY: I'll just sum this section up by quoting The Forgetful Lumberjack: "Jesus Christ, this isn't even fun in a stupid way." He hit the nail right on the head.

FUN FACTOR: It isn't even fun in a stupid way... or did somebody already say that?

THE BOTTOM LINE: This map is so bad, I almost believe that Erik secretly made it. But hopefully Erik's serving a jail sentence and wasn't able to.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 7
Gameplay: - 5
Item placement: - 6
Layout: - 7
Detail: - 5
TOTAL: - 30

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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