A GLANCE: Like a two headed monster from a
horror movie, everyone's favorite Swedish juvenile
delinquent Quake2 level designing team of
& Fredrik come crawling out of the swamp to
try and top the gag reflex triggering awfulness
of their epic "Piranha
Pool" with yet another demonstration
of how to do everything wrong with a map editor
and seemingly remain oblivious to the fact.
enough, I have actually exchanged emails with
one of them since writing my review of "Piranha
Pool", and he was stunned that anyone
had actually played it let alone emailed them
requesting MORE of their work (there is indeed
another map by them if I can track it down ...
sometimes I love this job). I was actually aware
of this level before finding "Piranha"
-- the water theme title of "Flood"
hooking me like a big fat Q2 map hungry bluegill
one day at cdrom.com -- but passed it over for
a review initially because I found it to be
too plain, boring and dull-witted. Indeed our
Swedish level design wunderteam demonstrates
a certain amount of comparative restraint in
this effort, so it stands out less noticeably
as yet another color saturated reason to quit
playing Q2 ... though in the end the result
is still zero.
Their English-language map info text reads
Single-player only level. Your troops has flooded
the halls of a strogg control-centre! It's now
up to you shutting down the console, so that
they can't remove the water using their pumps."
good. But after playing the map I'm not really
sure I understand what they are talking about
... it certainly has nothing to do with this
particular level. Maybe they were thinking of
MAP: Well, we start out in one of their
trademark bare boxes intended to be thought
of as a room, pick up the machine gun stuck
in the corner (the only weapon included in the
map) and turn to see a pool of water that appropriately
enough glows with a sick blue/green hue that
suggests the odor of unwashed dishes. But the
real ticker is that they have selected a "flowing
water texture" that zips along faster than
the Niagara River below the Falls for the "flood".
In fact, if you walk up to the water segments
quickly in the same direction of the "flow"
your brain is subjected to a virtual sensation
of spatial inertia that is totally disorienting
and made me feel a little woozy. As expected,
plopped in the water is a school of the phallic
Quake2 interstellar space piranhas, providing
players with the arbitrary "shooting fish"
segment so necessary to a Daniel & Frederik
map. But then oddly enough when you hop in the
water there is no current/push trigger to go
with the flowing water texture: maybe they were
too busy looking at all that Swedish goat porn
to bother figuring out how to assign the push
entity to a brush ... whatever; I was disappointed.
So you swim down the flooded hallway (get it?)
and emerge into a room where the water is flowing
in a direction perpendicular to what it was
at first, causing additional dizziness, and
choke for air in the completely saturated glowing
Smurf shit blue horror.
Yes. I have
intruded into their world and will now
depart, never to return again ...
are a few more monsters to deal with, standing
around in the uninvolved manner that seems common
to their design tendencies (in the info text
they even make an honorable attempt to acknowledge
that " ... the three Gunners on the
end of the level doesen't notice you ...";
how they intentionally managed to pull that
off is beyond my comprehension), and after engaging
them you move through another larger flooded
room with the knee deep water flowing in an
entirely different direction into a room that
"goes down" (re: elevator, maybe?)
and finally end up in what they refer
to as a control room. But sadly it consists
of a box consumed by pizza vomit red glowing
Hell and festooned with a small box in the middle
of it that slides into the floor making the
console screen explode (??) ; this yields a
message informing the player that they have
FINISHED the level and can now go commit suicide.
Tedious. Unrewarding. Disinteresting. Silly.
not sure this map was supposed to be fun ...
I think it was intended to be played once and
deleted, and on that level it is a triumphant
success. "It's sad, really"
(Hank Hill voice).
BOTTOM LINE: I certainly didn't choose to
review this map just to pick on our two young
friends (well, maybe a little :-), but the temptation
to trot out another one of their studies in
mutual masturbation was too much for me to resist.
I kind of feel sorry for the lads because now
that their work is out there and subject to
the critical scorn of the discerning map enthusiast,
reviews like this are almost inevitable and
may haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Let's hope then that these documents serve as
a warning to budding mapmakers to be hesitant
to release their work just because it compiles
properly, and learn from Daniel & Fredrik's
mistakes. Because some day it might come back
to bite you in the ass ... and then you get
an email from me asking if you have any other
levels I can try.
you know what I'll be doing with them.
for the People!!