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09.22.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "Gnaa's Place"
It's a race to use every texture possible, and everybody playing the map loses!
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
Suicidal deathmatch.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Fullbright is for REAL men!
Spelling Errors in Text File: No text file, praise the Lord.
Pain Level:
Head up a cow's ass while it kicks you in the guy repeatedly.
The amazing mulch arena!
Subtract 111 from that, Chucky.

DESCRIPTION: No text file, thank god. I'm sure if there was one, it would just be full of "666" and "Natas" references though. The author could not have made such an unholy creation without the help of the Dark Lord himself. It's technically impossible. Erik's probably one of this guy's students.

THE MAP: To make up for the fact that the author can't figure out how to put a few thousand pounds of colored lighting into this map (which I'm sure he was dying to do), he had to resort to using every texture included in the pak. In each room, you'll see an average of approximately 14 thousand different textures, all running into each other in some sort of evil, pixellated traffic jam of terror. Wall and button textures are used for floors, floor textures are used for ceilings. I think a more appropriate name for this map should be "The Texture Orgy". Or "A Big Fucking Pile of Shit", you choose.

As far as map construction goes, it seems as if random tetris pieces were dropped and stacked onto this map, then hacked to bits with a bandsaw. Rooms are composed of disgusting blocks, rectangles, and other foul uses of once innocent geometry. Need I mention there's a lot of lava? Yup, gallons of good old lava, the crappy mapmaker's good friend (next to meta-amphetamines, that is).

For the life of me, I really can't figure this map out. I simply cannot visualize how this map is laid out, or where anything is in relationship to each other. This map warps all boundaries of space and time, turning your Quake 2 experience into some romp through a bizarre, otherworldly dimension.

GAMEPLAY: Gameplay against The Forgetful Lumberjack was a blast, as neither of us like being able to find one another when we're playing. The game consisted of a series of conversations like this:

Me: "Where are you?"

Forgetful Lumberjack: "I don't know... I'm by the lava and the - what the FUCK?"

Me: "I'm by the lava, I don't see you."

Forgetful Lumberjack: "What the fuck is this shit?"

Me: "Where the hell are you, dumbass?"

Forgetful Lumberjack: (weeping)

FUN FACTOR: You gotta play this map to believe it. No amount of screenshots in the world would relay just how bad it is.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Move over, Erik. Gnaa's Place is here to stay.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 9
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 10
Layout: - 10
Detail: - 9
TOTAL: - 48

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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