kid's family must all have about
an eight inch waistline if this
map is based off his house.
provided by drunk ventilation
map is supposed to be based off of somebody's
house? Who are we to blame here then,
the architect or the mapmaker? Or the
man who sold both of them enough crack
to fill a wheelbarrow?
Rarely have I stumbled upon such endearing
text files. This one read like a book.
Well, to be more exact, it looked like
a book, because both have letters and
sentences and such. I guess the similarity
ended there. The map description was
wonderful though, and had me hooked
the first time I saw it on Fileplanet:
Grenade launchers? Like dark places?
Like machine guns? Like strobe lights?
You'll probably like this map."
I was looking for maps, I was saying
to myself, "Self, I would like
to find a good map. But where on EARTH
can I find a map that has approximately
15 thousand grenade launchers, areas
with no lighting and other areas with
too many colored lights?" I couldn't
find a single map. But then I found
this gem and all my prayers were answered.
Well, not the one about Courtney Cox,
but where the hell would I find a vat
of Jello at this time of night?
the file goes on to spew such garbage
as "Okay, lets see, so much
to say. First off, this is based ROUGHLY
on my house, but I took out 4 of the
bathrooms, 2 rooms from upstairs, the
breakfast room, I changed the guest
bathroom into an exit, and I also took
out the garage." Four bathrooms?
What the fuck is wrong with this kid's
family, do they eat chili for every
meal or something? The kicker is, as
far as I can tell, this map still contains
about five bathrooms, so this little
pervert's house must be a tribute to
shit or something. Which I think would
sum up this map nicely, "A Tribute
I receive a LOT of mail, and my map
is played on a LOT of servers, you can
forget me updating this map. (That's
my little plea for attention)."
Serial killers often murder people for
attention. I heard many of them mapped
Duke Nukem maps as kids. I guess it's
no big loss if he doesn't update this
map though, as he'd just end up adding
a few hundred more bathrooms with neon
as much as this may shock and amaze
you, this map is not without its flaws.
The author freely admits "The
outside was so freaking dark, that whenever
I fought with the bots outside, I'd
often get telefreagged when I got cornered
(the spawn spots outside are in the
corners). So, I made the ones outside
float 3 feet off the ground, so you
can't accidentally step on them."
You got that, all you aspiring mapmakers
out there? If an area is too dark and
you can't see anything, you should just
make the spawn points float a few feet
off the ground. That solves all the
problems easily and makes the map much
more enjoyable. I know it worked in
my case, as when I was deathmatching
out in the black hole outside, I was
repeatedly saying to myself, "Thank
God the teleporters are floating off
the ground. Now if I could only see
them so I could figure out if I'm running
face first until a wall, a teleporter,
or another player."
the end of the file, the author concludes
with "Enjoy the level, and mail
me your opinion. (PLEASE!)",
so I would encourage you to do so. His
email address is firstname.lastname@example.org,
and I'm sure he'd be touched if you
send him a quick letter explaining how
his map ranks up there with siphoning
raw sewage through a firehose.
MAP: Well... it's supposed to be
a fort of some sort. Or maybe it's supposed
to be a house. It's a fort, it's a house,
it's a fort, it's a house... the mystery
will rage on eternally inside my head,
at least until I grab another six-pack
to silence all the voices.
many of the rooms in this map seem to
have been built for the cast of "Time
Bandits". Ceilings about four feet
high, hallways Kate Moss would have
trouble wedging herself through, staircases
with steps two inches above the previous,
this map is more like Barbie's Dream
House than a Quake 2 map. I don't think
I need to mention the terrible lighting,
as it's plainly obvious from the screenshots.
To escape the pastel pain resident inside
the house / fort / other, you can run
outside of it and hang out in the black
hole, the author clearly had the players
in mind when he designed this thing.
placement is excellent, with 90% of
the weapons residing in 2% of the space.
If you go on the top floor and move
eight centimeters in any direction,
you'll end up grabbing about 28 grenade
launchers. You know, 'cause it's the
Grenade Fort and everything. There could
be weapons outside, I wasn't able to
see any though. Maybe they were behind
the floating spawn points.
As bad as the map is, I have to admit
it's not horrible for one-on-one battles.
Sure, there's no ammo (just weapons),
no health, no armor, and no point to
playing, but it wasn't as bad as I originally
had thought it would be. It's good for
a laugh, I guess. Just warn your eyesight
before you travel from the blackness
outside the fort to the interior, where
you will assuredly hear your retinas
plea for help and scream racial slurs
FACTOR: OK to play on, for under
a minute or less. Terrible to live in,
if this was indeed based off a real
BOTTOM LINE: Give it a shot. Download
it to torture a friend.
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10
(painfully terrible). Total score goes
from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece
of shit you'll ever play).