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10.31.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "Half Satanic"
Hey look, lava! And red lighting! You know, because it's Half Satanic and all.
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: DM

Overuse of Colored Lighting: Yup.
Spelling Errors in Text File: Nope.
Pain Level: Eating Halloween candy filled with razor blades.

Download Here (384k)

That's some excellent texturing there, Esmerelda.
"To your left you'll see something awful and red. To your right, something awful and green. This concludes our tour of 'Half Satanic'. Thank you and please return your protective goggles."

Ooh, what a special Halloween treat! "Half Satanic" is so spooky and scary it'll make you want to delete this monstrosity from your harddrive immediately. Oh wait, that's not because the map is scary, it's because it's something awful, my mistake.

DESCRIPTION: The text file simply has a link to the author's "homepage" and the installation instructions ("Run the self extractor specifying your Quake2 directory"). More fitting instructions would be "Double click on the self extracting utility and run out of the room as fast as you can. Don't return to your computer for at least three days. Hope that somebody has either stolen your system or the hard drive has crashed in that time".

THE MAP: As previously mentioned, this map is Half Satanic. It beats me what the other half is, although a certain number of dirty four-letter words spring to mind.

The overall theme seems to be "big and empty rooms surrounded by satellite rooms that have lighting installed by vandals." There is (of course) the requisite RGB, 110% intensity colored lighting hallways, pools of obnoxious lava, teleporters that break up map flow, and nonsensical weapon placement. All that is pretty much a given on a Cranky Steve map. This map goes a bit above and beyond the normal lava placement though, as the quad damage and megahealth are both placed right in the middle of the fucking lava streams. Now that's gameplay folks. If you want to get 100 bonus health points, you've got to suffer damage points getting it. Man, that's SO clever! I'm in awe right now and would probably be emailing the author to complement him on his MENSA quality map, however I'm much too busy seething with hatred and rage. Cause it's Half Satanic.

GAMEPLAY: Oh, this was a treat indeed to play. The sharp corners and tight hallways guaranteed that whenever you turned a corner you'd be staring down the barrel of somebody else's rocket launcher. Me, I don't prefer strategy or thinking in these types of games, I want all my kills to just be a bunch of big surprises. You know, because they're Half Satanic and all.

FUN FACTOR: I guess if you like square hallways and symmetry, this map would be a blast. If you're looking for good gameplay and some fun fragging, then this map probably won't be for you. Even if it is Half Satanic and such.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Half Satanic, half moronic, completely boring-ic. Download this map if you've got nothing better to do in your life, such as unclog your shower drain or eat the things found in your car's ashtray.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 7
Gameplay: - 8
Item placement: - 4
Layout: - 4
Detail: - 6
TOTAL: - 29

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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