out for the semisolid monsters...
map gives a new meaning to
this impressive? Well, it'd
be more impressive if we could
tell what exactly it's a picture
entire castle made out of ice (blue
and white blocks)... and square
steps... and monsters that clip
through the ground... and double
brushes... and doors that kill you...
Well, it's a vague kind of (something).
I don't really know how to describe
the ice castle, as it left a dull,
throbbing sensation in my head after
playing it, much like the time I
stole the painkillers from the dentist's
office. I feel total apathy after
running through this thing. In the
text file, the author gives great
instructions on how to install his
map: "1.Put the icecastle.bsp
in your c:/quake2/baseq2/maps folder.
If you have maps folder make one."
You got that? If you have a "maps"
folder, be sure to make one. Hey,
I never claimed these mapmakers
were writers. Or grade school graduates
the file description, the author
writes "Note.. I didn't put
any objectives in it becasue I don't
know how" which is excellent,
because I frankly feel that having
an objective in a single player
map just ruins the game. I like
to just run around a square base
for hours, trying to find poorly
textured switches that open doors
in areas six miles away. That's
my idea of pleasure. Well, that
and Mynx in the back of my pickup
truck after a few cases of JD. Although
I heard she has some weird ankle
compiling machine is listed as "?????-what
is this?", which leads me to
believe that the author compiled
the entire map by hand. Some of
those vertices must've been hard
to do, but I guess he has excellent
eyesight. Although not excellent
enough to put any shading into this
map. Oh well.
MAP: Well, there's some ice,
and there's a castle. I can't really
say much about the map other than
that. Monsters routinely clip through
walls and floors, doors have a tendency
to crush you, and there's no objective
to this map. Since all the textures
are the same, you can't distinguish
anything from its surroundings.
Everybody who saw me playing this
map had conversations with me that
went something like this:
BYSTANDER: "What are you
"The 'Ice Castle' map for Quake
could never come up with a sufficient
explanation. I usually ended up
throwing curry powder into their
eyes, and while they were blinded,
I would push them out an open window.
No jury in the world will convict
me once my lawyer explains I played
"The Ice Castle" before
I think the author's quote sums
this map up quite nicely: "I
didn't put any objectives in it."
FACTOR: If you like blue and
white squares, you'll love this
map. Well, you'll more than likely
just hate it less than the rest
BOTTOM LINE: I'd like to use
another quote to answer this part:
"?????-what is this?"
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to
-10 (painfully terrible). Total
score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the
worst piece of shit you'll ever