to the Crouching Extravaganza
main courtyard. Notice the
colored lighting trying to
sneak in. No, stay back, damn
you, stay back!
a person who has apparently been
taking mapping lessons from Erik,
unleashes "The Lost Base".
To successfully recreate this map
in real life, purchase 150 pounds
of Christmas tree lights and string
them all around your bathroom. For
a more accurate recreation, get
in the bathtub with the lights.
TheGoldenAce (all one word, like
in "HomeEnemaKit") has
been skipping school and spelling
classes to present us with wonderful
new maps like "The Lost Base".
Another added bonus are the text
files with accompany these works
of art. The file that came with
"The Lost Base" claims
this is an "...Edge Size
map, made for zone.... good for
tryouts and such and for good DM
matches. Try it in 8 players. It's
a Vary fun map."
Yes, it is a vary fun map. It varies
from "something awful"
to "fun vacuum".
is now a real Ladder in map except
for a Piece of Metal you climb,
also made a crutch for ppl who had
trouble getting out of a particular
hole, guy's you know what Im talking
about. r_speeds went down by 200
after fixing the glass problem."
Hmmm, having the r_speeds drop from
400 to 200 isn't really all that
amazing. Yup, r_speeds in the hundreds,
this could be a first for a Cranky
Steve map. Don't worry though, you'll
won't be able to appreciate how
well this map runs on your computer,
as you won't be able to get through
the gobs of colored lighting and
illogical design. It all balances
out folks, yin and yang. Or whatever
the hell that shit is. And who exactly
are the guy's that can't get out
of a "particular hole"?
Is Mr. TheGoldenAce insulting homosexuals?
Is he talking about prison? Is he
talking about gay sex in prison?
MAP: Map layout ranges from
"Bozo's Funhouse" to "Carnival
of the Damned". Every hallway,
room, open space, and Quake 2 Crate
(tm) is color coated for your convenience,
as if you're playing in an abandoned
paint factory. The main problem
with all this colored lighting (besides
the obvious fact that it looks like
utter and complete crap) is that
when I refer to a room as the "magenta
and blue pulsating room with the
yellow lighting in the middle",
I could be talking about 20 different
rooms in this horror show.
placement is about as logical as
the lighting. There's a rocket launcher
with approximately 18,000 rounds
of ammo next to it in a hallway.
Other weapons are placed in random
locations, perhaps trying to flee
the nauseating colored lighting
in this map and escape to one that
has less neon hallways, like an
Erik map maybe. And, of course,
the BFG is placed in one of the
most inaccessible places to get
to. Which could really qualify as
"anywhere in this map",
now that I think about it.
giving this map a run-through, make
sure to have an easily accessible
key bound to "crouch",
as Mr. TheGoldenAce put a few hundred
yards of corridors that you have
to crouch to get under. Why were
they put in the map? No idea. Do
"mapmakers" (and I use
that term loosely, much like describing
a guy who keys your car as being
an "automobile detail specialist")
like Mr. TheGoldenAce ever playtest
their maps? Or do they have such
a perverted sense of "fun"
that they actually like god-awful
colored lighting, claustrophobic
hallways, random weapon placement,
and geometric objects the shape
of things found in my bowel movements?
Maybe I should sponsor some kind
of study to find out what's wrong
with these people. And then kill
them afterwards. There would be
free cookies too.
It wasn't that awful. The
Forgetful Lumberjack and I were
able to play on the map for about
10 minutes before I started vomiting
rainbow-colored mush. If this map
had decent lighting, or was even
fullbright for that matter, it might
be playable. And it really wouldn't
hurt to change the weapon placement.
Or some of the hallways. Oh yeah,
if he ditched the stupid Quake 2
looped music as well, that'd be
good as well. And the terrible textures.
Wait a second, now that I think
about it, I'm describing a totally
different map. Yeah, this map would
be good if it was totally different.
That about sums up the gameplay.
FACTOR: No. Mr. TheGoldenAce
managed to take everything I hate
and blend it in to one terrible,
BOTTOM LINE: Might be playable
in software mode, without the colored
lighting. Might be playable by somebody
with no good taste. Might be playable
in another dimension. It isn't in
ratings go from 0 (bearable) to
-10 (painfully terrible). Total
score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the
worst piece of shit you'll ever