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10.05.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 SP: "With Only A Blaster"
Round and round she goes. Where she stops, no one cares.

Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: Single Player.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Uh huh.
Spelling Errors in Text File: You got it.
Pain Level: Lower waist in garbage disposal.

Download here (228 k)


Nice quarter-door there, Chuckles.
Wait, I found another fourth of your door in this room.

The second part to the award winning, publisher's choice, exciting and confusing "Robie the Robot" takes you on another magical journey through the bowels of mapping hell.

DESCRIPTION: Once you've mastered the complex cinematic drama that defines "Robie the Robot", you are teleported into this map by walking onto a button that is apparently buried halfway into the ground. This map picks off where "Robie" left off, mainly at the bottom of the deepest cesspit in the known world. In the wonderful text file that came with the map, the author warns "bewary for over-load errors, they pass after a few seconds and will only pop up at the very end." I hate those damn overload errors, popping up at the very end all the time. They really ruin an otherwise fun time of running around, unarmed, in poorly textured rectangular rooms while hundreds of enemies try to kill you. Great, now I'm all pissed off again. Oh well, let me find a quote from the author's text file that will cheer me up... oh, here's one! "LONG LIVE 3DFX!!!!!!!" Yes, that's much better.

The author also provides another nugget of playing information, this one being "Not man enough for it? Then hit "`" and type in "god"!", which is his way of saying "I'm an idiot and there's no possible way of getting through this map without cheating." Fair enough.

THE MAP: The entire point of this map (as I'm supposed to believe) is that you can beat it with only the blaster. Oh yeah, and god mode too, that helps a bit. And horse tranquilizers, that would definitely add to the experience. You might also want to try playing blindfolded, as you'll probably get more enjoyment out of it that way. Make sure you wrap the blindfold around your ears while you're at it, to make sure you don't hear the awful noises. Or the awful noises in your head, as this map will drive you to the edge of insanity and back in under 2.1 seconds.

Anyway, the map is a series of remarkably weird rooms with even weirder objects inside of them. The purpose of most of these objects seems to be "odd and ineffective ways to theoretically kill the enemies around you", most of which don't function properly. Let me rephrase that, most don't function the way I'd imagine they should function. As for what the author originally intended, you got me. I'm still trying to figure out "Robie the Robot" for God's sake. For all I know, most of these things could've been made as a shrine to Bob Saget.

Ah, the magical pillars of crap.

The entire map is just you going from room to room, hitting a switch that sends a platform or lift from the ceiling to crush an enemy waiting below it. Except, for some inexplicable reason, the enemies tend to move away from whatever thing is supposed to kill them and chase you. The author must have haX0red the artificial intelligence in Quake 2 to make the enemies super smart! Just as smart as him! Any moment now, the little Strogg troopers will begin creating tiny, shitty maps! With misaligned textures and no lighting! I can hardly wait!

The highlight of this map, other than bitching about it to The Forgetful Lumberjack, was when I walked into some area where there's a pool of lava below (ah, lava, the shitty mapmaker's best friend). Anyway, there's approximately 10,000 enemies on platforms to your left and right, with buttons next to each of them. Each button you shoot makes the platform hinge and drop the bad guys into the lava below. I thought that was kind of cool. But then, my standards have been lowered so much by this map, you could probably show me a picture of a bag of charcoal and I'd think it's cool. I don't remember what happened after that part in the map, either I overflowed or passed out, either way I'm glad I blocked it out of my mind.

GAMEPLAY: Only with a blaster, folks. That about sums it up. How much fun can you have going through a huge, grey and brown map with only a blaster? I thought "none" until I played this map. Now I'm trying to find a value lower than that.

FUN FACTOR: If you like bizarre, random rooms that have no coherent design or purpose, you'll probably get a few kicks out of this map, at least until you realize it's time to take your medication again.

THE BOTTOM LINE: It matches "Robie the Robot" perfectly.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 3
Gameplay: - 4
Item placement: - 6
Layout: - 3
Detail: - 4
TOTAL: - 20

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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