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10.17.2000: Squonkamatic - Q2 DM: "OS - The ULTRAMATRIX DEATHALATOR"
"The ULTRAMATRIX DEATHALATOR" .... need I say more?

Author: Unknown
Reviewed By: Squonkamatic

Game Mode Supported: You got me.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Fullbright.

Spelling Errors in Text File: No text provided. 

Pain Level: The old "Penis in the Toaster" routine.

Download Here (280k)


Notice the poor Eraser Bot desperately trying to get through the wall and into a different game.
AT A GLANCE: Good fucking GOD... folks we have here a map that can almost compete with "This Map is Good Fun" for the title of most twisted game level ever released. Indeed this map is so bad and so unbelievable that I am suspicious of its origin. Something tells me that a human being actually set out to create the worst possible map ever released, and thanx to alert reader M M "The ULTRAMATRIX DEATHALATOR" has finally made it onto my drive for our discerning attention. M M 's story is that a fellow client told him about the map during a Starcraft game, which sounds legitimate enough, but I am very suspicious of the map's genesis none the less. I think the puzzler with this level isn't is it crappy or not; that much is obviously clear probably even to people who don't play Quake. The question is was this abomination made deliberately to be unleashed upon the crap-map community as a joke, or is it the tragic result of good intentions leading into a morass of insanity? Let's take a look at what we get and see what conclusions can be made.

DESCRIPTION: There is no author info text provided in the map archive that M.M. pointed me in the direction of... this is one of the things that piqued my suspicions to maybe having this map be a deliberate, calculated attempt to earn the author some notoriety. I think that the young masturbation-addicted map author who might have considered this to be his great masterpiece of level design would have included an epic document outlining his scheme of execution and design intentions. But then again, devoid of any kind of author credit, the map simply becomes an enigma without any purpose or reason to it. I'd think that if an evil, cunning mind was trying to slip this lemon in the fruit basket they would also want their name pasted on it so that all of their slack-jawed buddies could slap each other on the back, finger each other in the ass, and laugh at how well they got one over on us.

THE MAP: Incredible. Unplayable. Preposterous. It is a bunch of shit hanging in space suggesting a collection of structures, some of which have "floors" underneath them for things to stand on while they gasp in awe. The map is unsealed - it literally is an almost free form collection of objects that has been jumbled together by someone who likes a little battery acid in their cocaine. There are big boxes that serve as rooms, tubes and hallways connecting other boxes, a huge open air section with freestanding columns of water stretched overhead, smaller rooms with moving textured items that seem to serve no purpose, solid floors that cause the player to move like that old electronic football game where the magnet players buzz and swirl around in an electromagnetic field... there are spots where a dozen or so mega health packs or teleport platforms are clumped together like colonies of bacteria. Behind all of this the sky environment featuring the Big Gun looms, suggesting a sort of twisted Strogg playground/jungle gym. But my favorite attribute is the huge switch floating in midair in one of the rooms with the moving textures; activating the switch puts into motion a series of huge blocks and chunks of solid shit that revolve on an axis, clip right through the fucking map, and squash players underneath them like rotted grapes.
All of these teleports lead to the same location: a warm wet spot right by the map author's anus.

The level must have been constructed like this on purpose. My heart has been blackened by decades of food service employment, art studies and failed romances, but I still have enough faith left in my fellow man to state with a certain amount of certainty that NOBODY in their right fucking mind could have made a Quake level like this without intending to do so in the first place. How could anyone possibly think that a room stuffed with ten inanimate Tank monsters and no items except two rebreathers would make an interesting setting? How can anyone think that moving diamond plate textures are capable of doing anything other than pushing the sentient player into fits of hilarity?

I think whomever is responsible for "The ULTRAMATRIX DEATHALATOR" not only deliberately set out to make a minor Cranky masterpiece but also did some research before setting on the path - he/she certainly must have studied "This Map is Good Fun" for ideas on things like how to select the worst fucking textures in the palette and where to place freestanding blocks of gravity defying liquid shit... and don't forget the inanimate monsters, another "Good Fun" staple. The two maps are just too similar (and I also detect a similarity to the unforgettable "Mad Bomber" map by Chuckles) for it to be an accident. What we have here then is a very clever fraud - yet it is indeed a Cranky level, however, because a shitty map is a shitty map no matter how it got that way.

GAMEPLAY: Forget about it - whomever constructed "The ULTRAMATRIX DEATHALATOR" was too thorough in their research on how to make an unplayable map. Just load the level, crack open a cold one, and enjoy.

FUN FACTOR: Sure, the map is "fun" - it was meant to be.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Once again, if you want a Quake2 level that is so bad and stupid that it is hilarious you cannot pass over "The ULTRAMATRIX DEATHALATOR". The file size is nice and small, there are plenty of spawn points for you and all your weird friends, and a laugh or two will be had by all at some point. But let's be clear about one thing: the best of the Whorehouse are maps that were arrived at by untalented authors who had no idea what the fuck they were doing and came up empty. Succeeding in coming up with donkey shit deliberately is kind of like telling someone why a joke is funny before it is even heard. You still laugh, but its just not the same.

- Squonkamatic for the People!!

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 9
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 8
Layout: - 9
Detail: - 7
TOTAL: - 43

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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