Oh no! The golden health bubble is surrounded by enemy armor shards! Run!

Jump on the floating dish, win a prize.

Ugh.

DESCRIPTION: No description. No text file. I don't think the author was able to adequately describe whatever the hell this map is. It's like trying to explain how evil Hitler was.

THE MAP: Let me begin this review by simply asking a modest question:

"What the fuck?!?"

Thank you. With that out of the way, let me describe how painfully awful this map is. Picture a really, really dark map with a bunch of Doom-esque walls that either convulse or wobble like a plate of translucent, creamy fat from Marlon Brando's inner thigh. Now picture yourself sitting down to play this map while a gang of wild ducks peck mercilessly at your legs until they find bone. Then take your bleeding, broken legs and fling them into the middle of highway traffic while you use a potato peeler to scrape all the skin off your face. That might prepare you to run this map, although I would also recommend sitting on top of a traffic cone while playing.

I will now attempt to describe this map without using profanity:

"It's a big fucking black room."

Oh shit, I fucked up, dammit. Anyway, that's what it is. One large black box of a room with megahealths, powerups, and ammo all over the damn place. Of course the walls are all patterned with textures that were never ever ever ever meant to be used as wall textures, but that's to be expected. It's like sitting through a John Woo movie and seeing somebody get thrown by a bigass explosion in an abandoned warehouse. Damn, Gertrude, I never saw THAT one coming...

I can't honestly tell if this was meant for CTF, as the name would imply. Maybe "CTF" stands for "Crappy Tiny Fucker", as this small map packs an amazing amount of shit into it. If anybody out there has the guts to play it on CTF (or can find enough idiots to form a team and try it out), please let me know by asking your parole officer to call me.

I guess I should now write about how the guns are thrown all over the place, ammo boxes are scattered at random, and mega healths lie everywhere, less than six inches from each other. However, I'm not going to, because if you've ever read a map review here, it can safely be assumed that's the case. At least there's no fucking fog all over the place, I guess that's a good thing.

GAMEPLAY: Don't even ask. I may be stupid, old, fat, balding, bitter, and sarcastic, but there's no way in hell I'll force my friends to join me on a convoluted mess like this. Part of me still believes there's a god out there and he will punish me for doing something like that. Of course, the other part of me looks at maps like this and comes to the conclusion that, if there is a god out there, he's a real jerk. I mean, if he is an all-powerful and loving god, how can he let people like Erik exist?

FUN FACTOR: No, I really don't think so. I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it may incriminate myself and link me to the murder of the mapmaker. If I were to try and force mathematical values upon a "fun factor", I would invariably end up using numbers so low they're purely theoretical.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Do you get off looking at squares and boxes? Do you like large, black rooms? Does the lure of 18,000 mega healths turn you on? If so, get a job working with American McGee, but nobody in under any circumstances should download this. Even Mr. McGee. Of course, me writing this will only make you want to download it even more, so go for it, but don't say I didn't give you a warning, you stupid fucking prick.

- Cranky Steve

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).