AT
A GLANCE: In the history
of bad ideas, remaking 2Forts
for every damn FPS ever made
certainly ranks up there with
paying to watch rebellious
teens shout Marylin Manson
lyrics at their parents on
"The Ricki Lake Show".
However, "2 Forts In
Hell" takes pain one
step further and throws in
the added bonus of making
it remarkably more obnoxious
than the actual "2Forts"
map. Yes, that's right, it's
actually WORSE than the original
"2Forts"! I think
this is an amazing feat, and
somebody should reward the
author by either giving him
millions of dollars or throwing
his body into a wood chipping
machine, at which point I
will proceed use his innards
for a tasty paella treat.
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|
See?
Because it's IN HELL
and all.
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DESCRIPTION:
As far as text files go, this
is a pretty longwinded and
descriptive one, ranking up
there with VCR programming
manuals and Stephen King novels.
Fortunately, it breaks up
the monotony by throwing in
tons of hilarious jokes and
references into it. Take a
look:
The
2fort map has been redone
a lot... I did not reference
any of the original map,
simply put together what
I could from memory, and
changed it, added my own
stuff, new game , new era,
this map is intended , as
the original , for the flag
to be fairly hard to capture,
and the defending team having
a good advantage.
If
anyone wants to Revise this
map, (The bots will not
take the flags right now,
but will chase you down
all the way to your own
flag and than ignore it)
feel free, also the ammo
rooms, respawns, are not
teamtriggered, I couldnt
get this to work yet either,
but only revise it if you
plan to make it better,
again this was all my own
geometry,etc. but based
on the original 2fort series
which used to populate servers
the way UT does now HEHE!
Step Down, new King on the
circuit, thanx CliffyB for
taking over!
Haha,
hold on, let me try to control
myself. Ya see, the joke here
is that:
1)
He's redoing "2Forts",
which has already been redone
five bazillion trillion times,
2) He's doing it from memory,
3) It's in hell,
4) The bots don't work right,
nor would they ever want to,
and
5) He thinks somebody might
want to "Revise"
this map. That's like asking
somebody to remix the theme
song from "Small Wonder"
I
particularly enjoyed the "thanx
CliffyB for taking over"
remark, as I'm sure Cliffy
had nothing to do with this
mess, unless he was somehow
tricked into looking at it.
Perhaps the author got pictures
of him with a garden hose
and a male dingo and was able
to blackmail him.
 |
|
HOORAY,
IT'S "REALLY BIG"
|
THE
MAP: Remember "2Forts"?
Remember how it was essentially
two boxes on both sides of
a box bridge, with a box stream
below it and various box rooms
inside? Well, it's the same
fucking thing, only the boxes
are totally out of proportion
now, and there's some stupid
flames on the sides of the
map as well, which really
gives the "in hell"
motif, or possibly simulates
having hemorrhoids. Either
way, it stinks, and you really
feel like you're in hell while
playing it.
Anyway,
back to the giant box room
gang rape. All the rooms you
saw in "2Forts"
are here, and they're either
too tall or too long, often
giving the impression that
you're about 13 inches high.
Maybe the author is freakishly
tall like that mutant Redwood
and wanted a map that made
him feel really small. Or
perhaps the guy is just an
idiot. I gave up trying to
figure out the motives behind
these mapmakers long ago;
it's like trying to psychoanalyze
charcoal briquettes.
This
brings up another fabulous
point - why the hell would
anybody want to redo "2Forts"
yet again? Why would they
want to put it in hell? Why
would they do absolutely NO
research into how the original
map was laid out, and instead
try to go from a hazy, drug
induced memory? Why would
he make it so bad that the
bots don't even want to grab
the flag? If the bots don't
dare grabbing the flag, why
the hell would any human being
want to? So many questions,
so little time. Luckily I
don't give a rat's ass, and
have the luxury of deleting
this monstrosity from my hard
drive, which is what I will
do shortly.
GAMEPLAY:
As you can imagine, it's a
more shittier version of "2Forts".
It's in hell. The bots are
in hell. You're in
hell. Nobody playing this
map wants to be in there,
and it often turns into a
race to see who can suicide
the fastest, a competition
where nobody is the winner.
Oh well, as least there isn't
an assload of colored lighting,
I guess that's always good
(see, I'm an optimist at heart).
FUN
FACTOR: It's "2Forts"!
It's in hell! Put 2 and 2
together and you'll clearly
get 666.
THE
BOTTOM LINE: If you're
a huge fan of "2Forts",
you might want to download
this. Then again, if you're
a huge fan of "2Forts",
you've probably got better
things to do, like trying
to rub your genitalia up against
your dog's heads when he sleeps.
In closing, I'd like to say
that I hate this map, and
damn the author to roast in
"2Forts in Hell"
for ever creating it. Thank
you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.
-
Cranky
Steve
