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4.28.2000: Cranky Steve - UT CTF: "2 Forts In Hell"
Aw hell, what a lame idea.

Author: Lestat
Reviewed By:
Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: CTF
Overuse of Colored Lighting: No
Spelling Errors in Text File: No
Pain Level:
Playing "2Forts in Hell"... in hell. Look at the screenshot to the left and take a wild guess how painful this is.

Download Here (666k - how fucking clever!)




AT A GLANCE: In the history of bad ideas, remaking 2Forts for every damn FPS ever made certainly ranks up there with paying to watch rebellious teens shout Marylin Manson lyrics at their parents on "The Ricki Lake Show". However, "2 Forts In Hell" takes pain one step further and throws in the added bonus of making it remarkably more obnoxious than the actual "2Forts" map. Yes, that's right, it's actually WORSE than the original "2Forts"! I think this is an amazing feat, and somebody should reward the author by either giving him millions of dollars or throwing his body into a wood chipping machine, at which point I will proceed use his innards for a tasty paella treat.

See? Because it's IN HELL and all.

DESCRIPTION: As far as text files go, this is a pretty longwinded and descriptive one, ranking up there with VCR programming manuals and Stephen King novels. Fortunately, it breaks up the monotony by throwing in tons of hilarious jokes and references into it. Take a look:

The 2fort map has been redone a lot... I did not reference any of the original map, simply put together what I could from memory, and changed it, added my own stuff, new game , new era, this map is intended , as the original , for the flag to be fairly hard to capture, and the defending team having a good advantage.

If anyone wants to Revise this map, (The bots will not take the flags right now, but will chase you down all the way to your own flag and than ignore it) feel free, also the ammo rooms, respawns, are not teamtriggered, I couldnt get this to work yet either, but only revise it if you plan to make it better, again this was all my own geometry,etc. but based on the original 2fort series which used to populate servers the way UT does now HEHE! Step Down, new King on the circuit, thanx CliffyB for taking over!

Haha, hold on, let me try to control myself. Ya see, the joke here is that:

1) He's redoing "2Forts", which has already been redone five bazillion trillion times,
2) He's doing it from memory,
3) It's in hell,
4) The bots don't work right, nor would they ever want to, and
5) He thinks somebody might want to "Revise" this map. That's like asking somebody to remix the theme song from "Small Wonder"

I particularly enjoyed the "thanx CliffyB for taking over" remark, as I'm sure Cliffy had nothing to do with this mess, unless he was somehow tricked into looking at it. Perhaps the author got pictures of him with a garden hose and a male dingo and was able to blackmail him.


THE MAP: Remember "2Forts"? Remember how it was essentially two boxes on both sides of a box bridge, with a box stream below it and various box rooms inside? Well, it's the same fucking thing, only the boxes are totally out of proportion now, and there's some stupid flames on the sides of the map as well, which really gives the "in hell" motif, or possibly simulates having hemorrhoids. Either way, it stinks, and you really feel like you're in hell while playing it.

Anyway, back to the giant box room gang rape. All the rooms you saw in "2Forts" are here, and they're either too tall or too long, often giving the impression that you're about 13 inches high. Maybe the author is freakishly tall like that mutant Redwood and wanted a map that made him feel really small. Or perhaps the guy is just an idiot. I gave up trying to figure out the motives behind these mapmakers long ago; it's like trying to psychoanalyze charcoal briquettes.

This brings up another fabulous point - why the hell would anybody want to redo "2Forts" yet again? Why would they want to put it in hell? Why would they do absolutely NO research into how the original map was laid out, and instead try to go from a hazy, drug induced memory? Why would he make it so bad that the bots don't even want to grab the flag? If the bots don't dare grabbing the flag, why the hell would any human being want to? So many questions, so little time. Luckily I don't give a rat's ass, and have the luxury of deleting this monstrosity from my hard drive, which is what I will do shortly.

GAMEPLAY: As you can imagine, it's a more shittier version of "2Forts". It's in hell. The bots are in hell. You're in hell. Nobody playing this map wants to be in there, and it often turns into a race to see who can suicide the fastest, a competition where nobody is the winner. Oh well, as least there isn't an assload of colored lighting, I guess that's always good (see, I'm an optimist at heart).

FUN FACTOR: It's "2Forts"! It's in hell! Put 2 and 2 together and you'll clearly get 666.

THE BOTTOM LINE: If you're a huge fan of "2Forts", you might want to download this. Then again, if you're a huge fan of "2Forts", you've probably got better things to do, like trying to rub your genitalia up against your dog's heads when he sleeps. In closing, I'd like to say that I hate this map, and damn the author to roast in "2Forts in Hell" for ever creating it. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 7
Gameplay: - 8
Item placement: - 5
Layout: - 4
Detail: - 9
TOTAL: - 33

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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