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2.28.2000: Cranky Steve - UT CTF: "Burning Hell"
This is burning Hell. I have never seen anything more true.

Reviewed By: Cranky Steve

Game Mode Supported: CTF
Overuse of Colored Lighting: No
Spelling Errors in Text File: No
Pain Level: Burning hemorrhoids flaring up and causing my irritated ass to become an even redder, more swollen lump of flab.





AT A GLANCE: It boggles my mind how anybody would even make a map like this, much less release it to the public. I have learned a long time ago that there are a shitload of idiots among us, but I keep trying to give humanity the benefit of the doubt and convince myself that they are not in the majority. Repeatedly seeing maps like this make me wonder...

DESCRIPTION: Once again, another crappy map author doesn't realize that "My First Map" belongs on "My Computer", not the damn Internet:

this is my first ctf map i hope you like it.

No, I don't.

I've said this hundreds of times folks, and it looks like I'll have to say it once again: for the love of everything unholy, do NOT release your crap "first maps" onto the Internet! All it does it clog up FTP sites with good maps, causing people to download it thinking "hey, this map sounds cool!" Then they download it and can't stop urinating blood for the next three weeks. Every mapmaker produces crap maps when they first start out learning how to make them, but only idiots toss their shit up to the Internet. Either delete your first map or put it on a single magic, evil, glowing ZIP disk which radiates a pulsing red color and throbs with the powers of Satan himself. Then take that disk and sit on it.

More burning Hell. Note the large amount of "Hell".

THE MAP: It's a large rectangle room with lava walls, lava floor, and not enough spawn points. There is apparently some way to get from one flag to the other, but I'll be damned if I could find it. I have to honestly admit that I didn't try too hard though, as this map is still giving me nightmares and indigestion from playing it only a minute. There's some crates on the top floor, because, God know's, there aren't enough fucking crates in FPS maps. It does add a nice touch to the game though, taking the map from "Hello, I eat shoelaces for breakfast, here is my shitty UT map with lava walls" to "Hello, I eat shoelaces for breakfast, here is my shitty UT map with lava walls and some lame crates. I am not legally permitted to get within 100 yards of a petting zoo ever again."

GAMEPLAY: Bots spawn and are instantly too afraid to move. They just stand around and fire whatever weapon was closest to them when they appeared. Since there's approximately two spawn points, expect to be telefragged alot, which is by far the most pleasurable experience in this game. Weapons have all been tossed to the bottom gutter, but thanks to the narrow concrete beams above the instant-death lava, you probably won't be able to get them and live.

FUN FACTOR: This map teaches you that dying can be fun! For example, I wish I was dead right now!

THE BOTTOM LINE: This is the author's first map. Let us pray it's his last.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 8
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 8
Layout: - 9
Detail: - 9
TOTAL: - 44

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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