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2.28.2000: Cranky Steve - UT CTF: "Cappen"
Look! It's shit!

Reviewed By: Cranky Steve

Game Mode Supported: CTF
Overuse of Colored Lighting: No
Spelling Errors in Text File: No
Pain Level: Being forced to sit through a Yahoo Serious film festival while I'm attacked by those super-intelligent ticks that are able to open doors and do basic math. Oh yeah, the ticks have pitchforks too, although I'm not sure how they are able to hold them.





AT A GLANCE: At a glance, this map is total shit. Upon closer inspection, I have determined that it's much more than that - it's a whole lot of shit. Miles and miles of shit spewing from a colostomy bag full of narrow hallways, vaguely defined rooms, hyperactive lifts, and some sort of phantom volcano.

DESCRIPTION: There wasn't much in the text file that accompanied this mess. This was the best part of the map, except for the time I fell asleep while running down a marathon-length hallway and woke up covered with a sticky, white, translucent goo. Here's all the file said:

Put the utx. files in your UT Texture folder and the map file in maps folder....

Notice that the author doesn't say anything along the lines of "Now go into UT and play it." For God's sake people, if you download this map, follow those instructions EXACTLY. Put the utx files in the texture folder, put the map file in the map folder (duh), and then walk away from your computer and swear to never touch it. You will be better off this way, trust me. If you ever use your computer again after unzipping this awful, awful file, make sure you're just connecting to the Internet so you can sell your computer on Ebay as "Computer - Possessed By Satan! Collector's Item! Turn it on, go insane, and murder your family!" You'd probably get more bids than those unopened Star Wars action figures that sell for a few million dollars these days.

I hope you like long hallways that were put into the map to compensate for the author's obvious penis envy problem.

THE MAP: One of the trademark shitty UT CTF mapmaking themes is "two identical bases that are really fucking far apart." This mapmaker has perfected this elite skill to the point where, after playing this map, I wished I could go to a place that was a bit smaller, like the Andromeda galaxy. I can't really explain how spaced out and completely awful this map is, but I'll give it a shot.

Imagine you live in California. Now pretend that you have a friend in New York. Fill the area in between both of you with a few thousand miles of concrete pipes. Now start walking.

Actually, this analogy is probably a bit inaccurate. There's a couple trillion gallons of water in this map as well, so let's pretend your friend lives in, oh, England. NOW start your walking, jackass.

Here's the point: this map is large and terrible. Your "base", which appears to be a large air freshener crammed full of every weapon available, is in the middle of a big square room which has about 30 passageways leading out of it. All of these hallways go to random locations, most of which I'm not even sure were in this map. I could've swore that I headed down a sewer pipe and ended up in a Blood 2 CTF level. Some of these passageways go in new, purely hypothetical directions that only the most skilled of mathematicians can define. Hell, I think I actually went back in time while walking through one of these hallways...

To help gameplay (assuming there is any gameplay to find in this map), the author has provided some trains that cart your ass down each 60-mile stretch of hallway. I thought that this was a very good idea, although not as good as just taking out the entire hall and replacing it with something less painful, like nude pictures of Estelle Getty. There's also some flashing red arrows above some holes in the ground that tell you which direction you're supposed to go (down). I tried going up, but the map didn't allow me to do this. I can only pray this will be addressed in "Cappen][: Electric Boogaloo", assuming the mapmaker can get his preschool teacher to give him more computer time to work on it.

GAMEPLAY: You won't be able to find people anywhere that will play this map for longer than eight seconds. You'll say, "Let's play Cappen, guys! THEN we'll watch the lesbian porn!" and you'll start up a game, thinking that it can't be that bad. Then your friends will silently get up from their computers, leave the room, and you'll hear a single gunshot from each of them. The death certificate will list "CAUSE OF DEATH - Cappen" on the form. I believe that when Hitler was holed up in his bunker, he was secretly making design sketches of this map.

I tried playing with bots on it (because they complain less), and they just started wandering around the halls like lost sheep. One of them looked out the window to the "floating volcano in space / water and nonfunctional boat", and I swear I saw him tear his eyes out. I got revenge by naming every bot "Rob" and gunning them down, often aiming for the crotch.

FUN FACTOR: Somebody please remind me what the meaning of "fun" is again... I seemed to have forgotten. The only words I can remember are "pain", "suffering", and "pure evil".

THE BOTTOM LINE: Hello, has somebody stuck flaming Q-Tips into my ears? Has somebody jabbed a pair of rusty scissors into the back of my skull? Have I been drugged with a mixture of the date rape drug, sleeping pills, and Chlorox bleach? No, I have just finished playing "Cappen", the map which is about as enjoyable as a golden shower from Tom Arnold.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 9
Layout: - 10
Detail: - 10
TOTAL: - 49

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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