AT
A GLANCE: At a glance,
this map is total shit.
Upon closer inspection,
I have determined that it's
much more than that - it's
a whole lot of shit. Miles
and miles of shit spewing
from a colostomy bag full
of narrow hallways, vaguely
defined rooms, hyperactive
lifts, and some sort of
phantom volcano.
DESCRIPTION:
There wasn't much in the
text file that accompanied
this mess. This was the
best part of the map, except
for the time I fell asleep
while running down a marathon-length
hallway and woke up covered
with a sticky, white, translucent
goo. Here's all the file
said:
Put
the utx. files in your
UT Texture folder and
the map file in maps folder....
Notice
that the author doesn't
say anything along the lines
of "Now go into UT
and play it." For God's
sake people, if you download
this map, follow those instructions
EXACTLY. Put the utx files
in the texture folder, put
the map file in the map
folder (duh), and then walk
away from your computer
and swear to never touch
it. You will be better off
this way, trust me. If you
ever use your computer again
after unzipping this awful,
awful file, make sure you're
just connecting to the Internet
so you can sell your computer
on Ebay as "Computer
- Possessed By Satan! Collector's
Item! Turn it on, go insane,
and murder your family!"
You'd probably get more
bids than those unopened
Star Wars action figures
that sell for a few million
dollars these days.
 |
|
I
hope you like long
hallways that were
put into the map to
compensate for the
author's obvious penis
envy problem.
|
THE
MAP: One of the trademark
shitty UT CTF mapmaking
themes is "two identical
bases that are really fucking
far apart." This mapmaker
has perfected this elite
skill to the point where,
after playing this map,
I wished I could go to a
place that was a bit smaller,
like the Andromeda galaxy.
I can't really explain how
spaced out and completely
awful this map is, but I'll
give it a shot.
Imagine
you live in California.
Now pretend that you have
a friend in New York. Fill
the area in between both
of you with a few thousand
miles of concrete pipes.
Now start walking.
Actually,
this analogy is probably
a bit inaccurate. There's
a couple trillion gallons
of water in this map as
well, so let's pretend your
friend lives in, oh, England.
NOW start your walking,
jackass.
Here's
the point: this map is large
and terrible. Your "base",
which appears to be a large
air freshener crammed full
of every weapon available,
is in the middle of a big
square room which has about
30 passageways leading out
of it. All of these hallways
go to random locations,
most of which I'm not even
sure were in this map. I
could've swore that I headed
down a sewer pipe and ended
up in a Blood 2 CTF level.
Some of these passageways
go in new, purely hypothetical
directions that only the
most skilled of mathematicians
can define. Hell, I think
I actually went back in
time while walking through
one of these hallways...
To
help gameplay (assuming
there is any gameplay to
find in this map), the author
has provided some trains
that cart your ass down
each 60-mile stretch of
hallway. I thought that
this was a very good idea,
although not as good as
just taking out the entire
hall and replacing it with
something less painful,
like nude pictures of Estelle
Getty. There's also some
flashing red arrows above
some holes in the ground
that tell you which direction
you're supposed to go (down).
I tried going up, but the
map didn't allow me to do
this. I can only pray this
will be addressed in "Cappen][:
Electric Boogaloo",
assuming the mapmaker can
get his preschool teacher
to give him more computer
time to work on it.
GAMEPLAY:
You won't be able to find
people anywhere that will
play this map for longer
than eight seconds. You'll
say, "Let's play Cappen,
guys! THEN we'll watch the
lesbian porn!" and
you'll start up a game,
thinking that it can't be
that bad. Then your friends
will silently get up from
their computers, leave the
room, and you'll hear a
single gunshot from each
of them. The death certificate
will list "CAUSE
OF DEATH - Cappen"
on the form. I believe that
when Hitler was holed up
in his bunker, he was secretly
making design sketches of
this map.
I
tried playing with bots
on it (because they complain
less), and they just started
wandering around the halls
like lost sheep. One of
them looked out the window
to the "floating volcano
in space / water and nonfunctional
boat", and I swear
I saw him tear his eyes
out. I got revenge by naming
every bot "Rob"
and gunning them down, often
aiming for the crotch.
FUN
FACTOR: Somebody please
remind me what the meaning
of "fun" is again...
I seemed to have forgotten.
The only words I can remember
are "pain", "suffering",
and "pure evil".
THE
BOTTOM LINE: Hello,
has somebody stuck flaming
Q-Tips into my ears? Has
somebody jabbed a pair of
rusty scissors into the
back of my skull? Have I
been drugged with a mixture
of the date rape drug, sleeping
pills, and Chlorox bleach?
No, I have just finished
playing "Cappen",
the map which is about as
enjoyable as a golden shower
from Tom Arnold.
-
Cranky
Steve
