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4.28.2000: Cranky Steve - UT CTF: "Car Park"
Slide through my internal organs and win a prize!

Author: Lord_Crass
Reviewed By:
Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: CTF
Overuse of Colored Lighting: No
Spelling Errors in Text File: No
Pain Level:
Licking pennies from Tom Arnold's encrusted thighs.





AT A GLANCE: Out of all places anybody would want to play a FPS game, I'd have to admit that "a parking garage" is definitely not on my list, along with "inside a cat's rectum", "Sergeant Hulka's bathroom", and "Euro Disneyland". To top it off, this map looks nothing like a parking garage, unless if, in some alternate universe, parking garages are really just a bunch of concrete tubes and 4-inch tall ceilings. Maybe it's a toy car garage. Or maybe it's just awful.

Looks like a parking garage to me.

DESCRIPTION: What an enigma of a text file.


Ok my second CTF map and I really think it rocks =)

take a stealthy approach on this one.

I cannot answer if "it" will ever end, nor what "it" is. I think he might be referring to crappy mapmakers' tendency to release crappy maps which advocate suicide, but I have been wrong in the past (once). I can only assume that whatever "it" is, it's not any good and should be forcibly stopped as soon as possible. Quick, everybody start writing letters to your congressperson, demanding they stop "it"! "It's" reign of terror must end now, or we shall all be forced to play maps like this, where we're forced to run around in poorly textures tubes and scream obscenities at our monitors!

I won't even address how wrong the statement "I really think it rocks" is. Again, what is "it"? Nothing in this map comes close to "rocking", so I can only assume part of the text file was cut off by accident. The only damn rocking I did while playing this map is when I was throwing up all over the keyboard, rocking from side to side and trying to block the image of all the damn concrete slabs out of my mind. It didn't work, and now I am forced to murder homeless people so I may silence the voices in my head.

"Prefab parking here: $5.00 / hour"

THE MAP: In the alternate universe of shitty maps, "parking garage" means "concrete box". This map contains about 15 different grey, concrete textures repeated all over the place, and the prefab cars are shoved into the main room, giving it a real "parking garage" motif". I always get an extra large woody when I see map authors do something as creative as using prefab models that weren't supposed to be put into maps. It just reeks of pure genius. Well, it reeks of something.

Anyway, just like normal parking garages, this one has thousands of feet of piping you have to run through in order to get anywhere. Yeah, it's some kind of crazy, goofy-ass "sewer system drainage marathon", where bots and humans race through circular apertures to see which one of them will go insane and try to eat their shoes first. The great thing about this is that no matter what end of the tube you end up on, it looks exactly like where you came from! I can't explain the pure joy of racing out of one real crap room, going into a tube, and appearing in nearly the same crap room! It's about as exciting as buying lettuce! From THE STORE!

GAMEPLAY: Bots scramble all over the map, get trapped in the pipes, run circles around walls, and try to guard the flag by backing in and out of the nearby corridor. I think they can't quite figure out how the hell this is supposed to be a parking garage either... or how anybody can be cruel enough to make them play in "it".

FUN FACTOR: Seeing the cars might be fun, especially if you're amused by shiny objects or Jean Claude Van Damme films.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Game companies don't put cutscene models into the game for a reason: they weren't meant to be in. Crappy mapmakers put the cutscene models back into the game for a reason: they're stupid and should be physically injured. Risk playing this map only if you have three weeks to live and want to go out crying and screaming like a sissy nancy boy.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 8
Gameplay: - 8
Item placement: - 4
Layout: - 5
Detail: - 7
TOTAL: - 32

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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