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4.28.2000: Cranky Steve - UT CTF: "Groundhog"
Oh no, somebody broke Groundhog! Oh wait, it's supposed to be that way. Eegads.

Author: Err0r
Reviewed By:
Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: CTF
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Yes
Spelling Errors in Text File: Yes
Pain Level:
Holding one end of a jumprope, shoving the other end down my throat until it comes out my ass, then yanking it back and forth to floss my internal organs.




AT A GLANCE: At a glance, this map is a God-awful piece of trash. However, upon closer inspection, you'll find that this map is actually a God-awful piece of trash that's really really big.

It's hard to make fun of the texturing when you CAN'T FUCKING SEE IT.

DESCRIPTION: Looks like somebody's been skipping school to make terrible maps!

This is my first map fit to realease =) it is not wonderfull, but i am fairly happ with it. I hope it gets played at least =\ anyway you must have downloaded it if you are reading this, so THANKS! for trying my work!

Note that he said the "first map fit to release". I can only wonder what the other, worse maps were like. "Escape From the Red Box"? "50,000 Cubic Miles of Nothing"? "CTF-DiaperRash"? "Dirt Playground 7"? Oh well, at least the guy is getting "better". Perhaps if he continues to map constantly for the next five years, he might be able to make a level more amusing than the things I find in my bowel movements (with less color too).

I am impressed by the author's deductive reasoning though. "you must have downloaded it if you are reading this, so THANKS! for trying my work!". That's kind of like saying "you must have bought our company's car because I see your mangled, dismembered corpse trapped inside the fiery automobile wreck on the 405. Thanks for driving it!" Actually, it's nothing at all like that, but I'm hard up for some idiotic analogies that I can use to describe how terrible this map is. Just pretend I said something incredibly witty and laugh.

Mmm, more green, I can't get enough of it!

THE MAP: Having obviously been trapped inside a steel barrel full of nails and scorpions for years when the author was a child, he has created one gigantic stain of a CTF map that will scare the pants off any agoraphobic. Hallways are big enough to shove Jabba the Hut's gigantic, greased ass through. The middle of the map is approximately the size of Arrowhead Stadium, only much filthier. The flag "rooms" (if you can call them that), are vertical, 50,000-yard tall tributes to "falling off things and dying". There's a gigantic bridge above the middle room because bridges are obviously "strategic". Most of this maps seems to have been made when the author got ahold of some bad Ecstasy, because no sane person could make a map this large and awful.

Since the author is "tricky" or "clever" or "a jerk", the markers outside each based are improperly labeled; that is, the blue base has the words "RED BASE" tiled all over the wall outside, and the red base has "BLUE BASE" all over theirs. I'm sure that seemed like a good idea on paper, just like Kennedy's assassination, but in the real world it just turns out to be awful. Light sources seem to be generated out of nowhere, perhaps from an alternate dimension where things are much crappier. Green light spawns in hallways, giving off the distinct message that "this hallway has green colored lighting". I can't emphasize how much flavor and strategy "green" adds to a game. If these lights were removed, this map would be just another diaherria-inducing waste of time. However, with the addition of green lights, it now becomes a GREEN diaherria-inducing waster of time! Do you see a theme here?

GAMEPLAY: As mentioned before, this map is "large", which is like saying that hearing about Elian Gonzales every single fucking minute of my life is "slightly annoying". Playing with less than 500 people at once is not recommended because you'll never find each other, and playing with more than two people is not advised because they will attempt to murder you after they see what kind of shit map you made them play. I tried playing it with bots, but they didn't have the stamina to run the 10,000 yards it takes to go from one base to the other. Some of them passed out at the bottom of my base, breathing heavily and sweating like hogs. I tried to shoot them in the head and put them out of their misery, but they just got mad and reminded me we were on the same team and I was an idiot. Then I laughed because I could give them orders and they would follow them. WHO'S THE IDIOT NOW, HUH?

FUN FACTOR: It would be fun to see the author chained to a pole in the middle of this map while he's dryhumped by every prisoner in the Los Angeles penal system.

THE BOTTOM LINE: This map is a sniper's wet dream: you can see people coming straight at you miles away. From the second you first see them, you have approximately three hours to react and shoot them before they get within range of shooting you. Of course, after playing this map for that long, most normal people would've gone insane and forgot which team they were on, so they probably won't fight back anyway.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 9
Gameplay: - 9
Item placement: - 9
Layout: - 9
Detail: - 8
TOTAL: - 44

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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