AT
A GLANCE: At a glance,
this map is a God-awful
piece of trash. However,
upon closer inspection,
you'll find that this map
is actually a God-awful
piece of trash that's really
really big.
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|
It's
hard to make fun of
the texturing when
you CAN'T FUCKING
SEE IT.
|
DESCRIPTION:
Looks like somebody's been
skipping school to make
terrible maps!
This
is my first map fit to
realease =) it is not
wonderfull, but i am fairly
happ with it. I hope it
gets played at least =\
anyway you must have downloaded
it if you are reading
this, so THANKS! for trying
my work!
Note
that he said the "first
map fit to release".
I can only wonder what the
other, worse maps were like.
"Escape From the Red
Box"? "50,000
Cubic Miles of Nothing"?
"CTF-DiaperRash"?
"Dirt Playground 7"?
Oh well, at least the guy
is getting "better".
Perhaps if he continues
to map constantly for the
next five years, he might
be able to make a level
more amusing than the things
I find in my bowel movements
(with less color too).
I
am impressed by the author's
deductive reasoning though.
"you must have downloaded
it if you are reading this,
so THANKS! for trying my
work!". That's
kind of like saying "you
must have bought our company's
car because I see your mangled,
dismembered corpse trapped
inside the fiery automobile
wreck on the 405. Thanks
for driving it!" Actually,
it's nothing at all like
that, but I'm hard up for
some idiotic analogies that
I can use to describe how
terrible this map is. Just
pretend I said something
incredibly witty and laugh.
 |
|
Mmm,
more green, I can't
get enough of it!
|
THE
MAP: Having obviously
been trapped inside a steel
barrel full of nails and
scorpions for years when
the author was a child,
he has created one gigantic
stain of a CTF map that
will scare the pants off
any agoraphobic. Hallways
are big enough to shove
Jabba the Hut's gigantic,
greased ass through. The
middle of the map is approximately
the size of Arrowhead Stadium,
only much filthier. The
flag "rooms" (if
you can call them that),
are vertical, 50,000-yard
tall tributes to "falling
off things and dying".
There's a gigantic bridge
above the middle room because
bridges are obviously "strategic".
Most of this maps seems
to have been made when the
author got ahold of some
bad Ecstasy, because no
sane person could make a
map this large and awful.
Since
the author is "tricky"
or "clever" or
"a jerk", the
markers outside each based
are improperly labeled;
that is, the blue base has
the words "RED BASE"
tiled all over the wall
outside, and the red base
has "BLUE BASE"
all over theirs. I'm sure
that seemed like a good
idea on paper, just like
Kennedy's assassination,
but in the real world it
just turns out to be awful.
Light sources seem to be
generated out of nowhere,
perhaps from an alternate
dimension where things are
much crappier. Green light
spawns in hallways, giving
off the distinct message
that "this hallway
has green colored lighting".
I can't emphasize how much
flavor and strategy "green"
adds to a game. If these
lights were removed, this
map would be just another
diaherria-inducing waste
of time. However, with the
addition of green lights,
it now becomes a GREEN diaherria-inducing
waster of time! Do you see
a theme here?
GAMEPLAY:
As mentioned before, this
map is "large",
which is like saying that
hearing about Elian Gonzales
every single fucking minute
of my life is "slightly
annoying". Playing
with less than 500 people
at once is not recommended
because you'll never find
each other, and playing
with more than two people
is not advised because they
will attempt to murder you
after they see what kind
of shit map you made them
play. I tried playing it
with bots, but they didn't
have the stamina to run
the 10,000 yards it takes
to go from one base to the
other. Some of them passed
out at the bottom of my
base, breathing heavily
and sweating like hogs.
I tried to shoot them in
the head and put them out
of their misery, but they
just got mad and reminded
me we were on the same team
and I was an idiot. Then
I laughed because I could
give them orders and they
would follow them. WHO'S
THE IDIOT NOW, HUH?
FUN
FACTOR: It would be
fun to see the author chained
to a pole in the middle
of this map while he's dryhumped
by every prisoner in the
Los Angeles penal system.
THE
BOTTOM LINE: This map
is a sniper's wet dream:
you can see people coming
straight at you miles away.
From the second you first
see them, you have approximately
three hours to react and
shoot them before they get
within range of shooting
you. Of course, after playing
this map for that long,
most normal people would've
gone insane and forgot which
team they were on, so they
probably won't fight back
anyway.
-
Cranky
Steve
