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4.28.2000: Cranky Steve - UT CTF: "Jungle Wars"
"Jungle Wars" presents the silly wacky goofy tubes of fun and blindness!

Author: Guardian
Reviewed By:
Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported: CTF
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Yes
Spelling Errors in Text File: Yes
Pain Level:
Jungle crotchrot.




AT A GLANCE: There's a reason why game developers usually choose to make maps that take place in areas like sewers, warehouses, and space stations - there's no fucking trees in them. Why don't mappers and game developers like having levels in jungles and forests? Simple; they don't look realistic, shoot your polygon count through the roof, and make the map look stupid. If you don't believe me, download Jungle Wars and see how vile a map can become when the author attempts to create some kind of terrible "faux-jungle" motif. Folks, it just won't work.

All aboard the swollen, irritated rash train!

DESCRIPTION: Although the guy is from Holland, he has better English than most of the crap mapmaking hacks from the states. Perhaps the branch of "Crazy Ned's Shit School of Mapmaking Awfulness" in Holland gets more public funds than the ones in the US. They probably have less shootings too.

Check out the bunkers and watch towers, it's really nice to see. The Bots is one of the hardest things to get right but I've succeed!!! I hope you'll like this level as much as I do.

I wasn't able to find any "bunkers and watch towers", but I did see some gigantic, hulking monoliths of concrete and a couple brick walls that had platforms near them. I couldn't tell if they were supposed to be the "bunkers and watch towers", as all the red colored lighting, cookie cutter trees, and randomly placed box walls obscured my view most of the time. Maybe they were hidden in the 80-mile long tunnel that was put in the map for no reason. Or perhaps they were in the "negative zone", which you can only get to by jumping over the pipe at the end of map 1-2 and walking across the top of the screen. Shit, I don't know, I'm not the answer man.
Hmmm, did the water suddenly get warmer?

THE MAP: Well, there's a bunch of trees, a flooded tunnel, and architecture that appears as if it were built by pranksters. The actual play area is real small, and you can get from one flag to the other by simply going through the flooded tunnel, capping the flag in under 10 seconds. However, if you are unfortunate enough to take a wrong turn, you end up in the "Polygon Humiliation Zone", where all sorts of experimental buildings and failed attempts at making a cube bask in blue-lit hell. Once you enter the this forbidden area, there's little to no chance that you'll ever escape, as it goes on and on for miles, like trying to navigate through the New York City subway system with all the lights out (and with more trees). This is the kind of map where you'll be wandering around, trying to figure out which continent you're on, and you'll see the bots actually trying to hang themselves from the horrible, horrible buildings.

I can't figure out what is so damn appealing about unbelievably large maps to these people. Do the crap mapmakers ever try playing the maps after they finish them, or do them simply "fire and forget"? If any of you fool mapmakers are looking at this out there, read these words carefully and take note: "If you can cook up 10 batches of meth in the time it takes for your character to run from one corner of the map to the other, it's too fucking big."

Since it is the author's first map, it is naturally chock full o' lighting badness. Red, blue, green; we're pissing every color of the rainbow all over the goddamn place. How bad is the lighting? This map's lighting is so bad that it has contaminated my sperm count, ensuring all my children will be born blind. This map's light is so bad that Epic is considering suing the author for slandering their game engine. This map's lighting is so bad that scientists at major universities, working around the clock in hi-tech laboratories, are STILL finding new, previously undiscovered colors in this monstrosity. Oh yeah, the skybox is fucked up too and is just a sky texture placed on a flat surface (I just had to note that before I kill myself).

GAMEPLAY: Like all big maps I review, it turns out to be as fun as discovering that puss-filled lump on the back of your neck is infected with baby mosquito larvae, ready to hatch and consume your brain. Gigantic spaces full of trees, random polygons, and terrible geometry just doesn't turn out to be that big of a blast as some less intelligent people might think.

FUN FACTOR: Yawn. Even when I close my eyes, the terrible lighting burns through my eyelids.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Please, for the love of God, don't make any more jungle or forest maps. They weren't meant to be made, and we won't have game engines or computers powerful enough to render them well for years to come. This map perfectly illustrates that, and also has the side effect of making you sterile.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 8
Layout: - 9
Detail: - 5
TOTAL: - 42

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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