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WOW!
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AT
A GLANCE: Ah,
divinity, thy name
is Norbert Molenkamp.
Monsieur Molenkamp
has managed to mix
two of my least favorite
things in the world
into a little concoction
I've been chosen by
my master, Cranky
Steve, to review for
you today: "The
Matrix Movie"
UT map. The ingredients?
Tons of Keanu Reeves
and hundreds of turret
guns. Yes, there's
nothing quite like
repeated textures
of a shitty actor's
face to bring some
color to the cheeks
of a really terrible
map.
The
Molenkamp saw fit
to use only five or
six stills from Reeves'
opus, "The Matrix",
but on the positive
side, he did use them
over and over again.
And then he used them
again. And again.
And then again. Well,
no one wants to live
forever, and this
certainly goes for
The Molenkamp, who
seems to have no fear
of making enemies...
enzombied, soulless
enemies that pray
for his death.
On
a personal note, walking
through Keanu Reeves'
head repeatedly is
not something any
human should have
to endure, and is
punishment which should
be reserved for only
the most dastardly
war criminals and
The Molenkamp himself.
On the artistic side,
Mr. Reeves is more
charismatic in this
map than any picture
he's ever been in.
DESCRIPTION:
Well, it's Unreal
Tournament, and there
are pictures of Keanu
Reeves! It's perfect
because it's like
you're in "The
Matrix" movie
itself, plus you realize
that not only has
mankind failed God,
but God has failed
Mankind too! Hooray!
Keanu's so fucking
dreamy.
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Semi-transparent
scenes from
"The Matrix",
OOOH!
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THE
MAP: I don't know…
I just don't know.
You
spawn in the same
room as the bad guys
and a bad actor, you
pick up about five
Enforcers, go into
a room with a pool
containing little
gelatin blobs and
a Keg O' Life ala
the movie "Cocoon",
and then you walk
through your first
wall of Keanu Reeves.
This is painful, ladies
and gents.
Then
you just go down obnoxious
freakin' corridors
until you come to
a transporter which
takes you to… yay,
an enemy turret! If
you remembered to
get the "Cocoon" keg,
you run through five
more of the same glorious
stills from the film,
"The Matrix" (which
in case I haven't
mentioned it, makes
it seem just like
you're actually in
the movie) until you
come to a little square
room which contains
not only randomly
lit concrete blocks
and barrels, but...
MORE TURRETS!
Well vivisect me with
a monkey, skin my
ass, and drape me
over a dead whore;
that's a good time
in my book!
If
you somehow make it
past all of this,
you get to a room
where the bad guys
dare not tread. There
is lava. Oh yes, it's
a pool equal in size
to the aforementioned
pool of life, but
brings not health
and comfort, but rather
death and burning.
This must represent
Neo's journey from
ignorance to enlightenment.
Either that, or it
represents your devolution
from man to slug.
Blah,
blah, blah, you shoot
a green caterpillar
thingy twice and you
win. My top speed
is 29 seconds, but
I'm sure someone out
there can beat it.
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Notice
the fabulous
lighting. INCREDIBLE!
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The
resounding coup d'etat
of The Molenkamp's
freshman effort has
to be his brave stance
on the use of music.
He's against it. Instead,
the player is treated
to a beautiful two
note canon, resembling
a siren (or a molested
cat, take your pick).
This heightens the
sense of urgency in
the map, reinforcing
the "Oh no, I'd
better hurry up and
finish this map because
there's a time limit,
although the fucker
didn't even give me
an objective… but
who gives a shit about
the objective! The
pain from the visual
and the auditory attack
on my feeble brain
and nervous system
has drained my will
to live! Instruct
me, The Molenkamp!
I want to fucking
die!" feel which
would have been merely
touched upon if The
Norbert had chosen
an actual series of
pleasing notes as
the aural backdrop.
My
favorite cream on
the cake is that The
Molenkamp simply painted
the walls like the
sky, put some sort
of fog over it, and
hoped we wouldn't
notice. It didn't
work.
GAMEPLAY:
Go fuck yourself.
FUN
FACTOR: If seeing
Keanu Reeves is all
it takes for you to
have fun, then...
well, don't play this
game. It will forever
scar your opinion
of one of today's
finest screen legends.
If you're like the
other 99.9 percent
of the population
and you wonder who
Keanu screwed to get
into some of the best
movies of the past
decade and a half...
well, don't play this
map either. The frustration
you'll feel from seeing
your bullets whiz
through his face without
harming him will only
add to the calculated
madness The Molenkamp
has in store for you.
THE
BOTTOM LINE: You
must choose either
the blue pill or The
Molenkamp pill. If
you choose the blue
pill you go back to
your normal life and
this will all seem
like a dream. If you
choose The Molenkamp
Pill, well, all I'm
promising is the truth.
The horrible, horrible
truth.
-
El
Robot