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6.26.2000: Cranky Steve - UT Assault: "The Matrix Movie"
The Norbert's patented texture ingenuity strikes again!

Author: Norbert Molenkamp
Reviewed By:
El Robot
Game Mode Supported: Assault
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Are cinder blocks supposed to glow red on their own?
Spelling Errors in Text File: Quoth The Molenkamp, "This is my first AS-Map, so let me know for some tips." I have to assume he meant "ASS-MAP", so we'll chalk that spelling error up to a Freudian Slip.
Pain Level:
Imagine you're sitting on a tropical isle, and all the girls you ever sexually fantasized about are ten feet away from you, behind a glass wall, while an electrically charged catheter the size of a Lincoln Log is inserted into your penis. Next, your skin is shucked off with apple-peelers by a pig-raping, red-eyed clone of your dead grandmother who is wearing a little Hitler mustache and laughing like Santa Claus. Yes, there are pigs in your little glass cage, my friend.

Download Here (1.6 megs)


AT A GLANCE: Ah, divinity, thy name is Norbert Molenkamp. Monsieur Molenkamp has managed to mix two of my least favorite things in the world into a little concoction I've been chosen by my master, Cranky Steve, to review for you today: "The Matrix Movie" UT map. The ingredients? Tons of Keanu Reeves and hundreds of turret guns. Yes, there's nothing quite like repeated textures of a shitty actor's face to bring some color to the cheeks of a really terrible map.

The Molenkamp saw fit to use only five or six stills from Reeves' opus, "The Matrix", but on the positive side, he did use them over and over again. And then he used them again. And again. And then again. Well, no one wants to live forever, and this certainly goes for The Molenkamp, who seems to have no fear of making enemies... enzombied, soulless enemies that pray for his death.

On a personal note, walking through Keanu Reeves' head repeatedly is not something any human should have to endure, and is punishment which should be reserved for only the most dastardly war criminals and The Molenkamp himself. On the artistic side, Mr. Reeves is more charismatic in this map than any picture he's ever been in.

DESCRIPTION: Well, it's Unreal Tournament, and there are pictures of Keanu Reeves! It's perfect because it's like you're in "The Matrix" movie itself, plus you realize that not only has mankind failed God, but God has failed Mankind too! Hooray! Keanu's so fucking dreamy.

Semi-transparent scenes from "The Matrix", OOOH!

THE MAP: I don't know… I just don't know.

You spawn in the same room as the bad guys and a bad actor, you pick up about five Enforcers, go into a room with a pool containing little gelatin blobs and a Keg O' Life ala the movie "Cocoon", and then you walk through your first wall of Keanu Reeves. This is painful, ladies and gents.

Then you just go down obnoxious freakin' corridors until you come to a transporter which takes you to… yay, an enemy turret! If you remembered to get the "Cocoon" keg, you run through five more of the same glorious stills from the film, "The Matrix" (which in case I haven't mentioned it, makes it seem just like you're actually in the movie) until you come to a little square room which contains not only randomly lit concrete blocks and barrels, but... MORE TURRETS! Well vivisect me with a monkey, skin my ass, and drape me over a dead whore; that's a good time in my book!

If you somehow make it past all of this, you get to a room where the bad guys dare not tread. There is lava. Oh yes, it's a pool equal in size to the aforementioned pool of life, but brings not health and comfort, but rather death and burning. This must represent Neo's journey from ignorance to enlightenment. Either that, or it represents your devolution from man to slug.

Blah, blah, blah, you shoot a green caterpillar thingy twice and you win. My top speed is 29 seconds, but I'm sure someone out there can beat it.

Notice the fabulous lighting. INCREDIBLE!

The resounding coup d'etat of The Molenkamp's freshman effort has to be his brave stance on the use of music. He's against it. Instead, the player is treated to a beautiful two note canon, resembling a siren (or a molested cat, take your pick). This heightens the sense of urgency in the map, reinforcing the "Oh no, I'd better hurry up and finish this map because there's a time limit, although the fucker didn't even give me an objective… but who gives a shit about the objective! The pain from the visual and the auditory attack on my feeble brain and nervous system has drained my will to live! Instruct me, The Molenkamp! I want to fucking die!" feel which would have been merely touched upon if The Norbert had chosen an actual series of pleasing notes as the aural backdrop.

My favorite cream on the cake is that The Molenkamp simply painted the walls like the sky, put some sort of fog over it, and hoped we wouldn't notice. It didn't work.

GAMEPLAY: Go fuck yourself.

FUN FACTOR: If seeing Keanu Reeves is all it takes for you to have fun, then... well, don't play this game. It will forever scar your opinion of one of today's finest screen legends. If you're like the other 99.9 percent of the population and you wonder who Keanu screwed to get into some of the best movies of the past decade and a half... well, don't play this map either. The frustration you'll feel from seeing your bullets whiz through his face without harming him will only add to the calculated madness The Molenkamp has in store for you.

THE BOTTOM LINE: You must choose either the blue pill or The Molenkamp pill. If you choose the blue pill you go back to your normal life and this will all seem like a dream. If you choose The Molenkamp Pill, well, all I'm promising is the truth. The horrible, horrible truth.

- El Robot

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 8
Layout: - 10
Detail: - 9
TOTAL: - 47

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play)

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