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08.25.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 SP: "The Danger Room"
Yeah, I know all these screenshots look the same, but I just need to try and let the magnitude of the suckiness of this map sink in to you.
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
Single Player, or so I'm told.
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Nope.
Spelling Errors in Text File: Yup.
Pain Level:
Drinking two gallons of Keopectate.

Download Here (170k)


Here are two buttons. If you press them, they disappear into the wall. They don't seem to do anything other than that, unfortunately.
The Danger Room, as in "Danger, you're about to overflow!"

The "Danger Room" gives new meaning to the phrase "single player Quake 2 maps". Now it means "a really crappy large room with one repeated texture, no shading, and so many enemies that you'll overflow in a matter of seconds."

DESCRIPTION: The "Danger Room" has such a perfect name. This map is fucking dangerous. It'll crash even the most powerful of workstations with it's endless supply of enemies. The author claims this map is "SP and DM gameplay for anyone self destructive enough to play!", which about sums it up. You'd have to really hate yourself and your body to sit through a game of the "Danger Room". Although the author also claims the map took him "30+" hours, I really can't see how this was possible unless he counted the amount of time it took him to inhale enough industrial solvent to make this map enjoyable. This was almost as bad as "The Gallery", but luckily it lacked any colored lights. Or any lighting at all, as the author also writes "I have NO idea why but I couldn't get the lights to work at all so the whole thing is like some throw back to the DOOM era", although I don't remember maps sucking this hard back in the Doom era. Then he makes a desperate plea, "If you want to add lighting then PLEASE DO! Just give me some credit for whipping it up in the first place. Oh and try to use alot of colored light, LONG LIVE 3DFX!" Yeah, colored lighting would just save this map, long live 3DFX.

What the hell is the deal with idiot mapmakers and colored lighting? It's like they know their map bites wind, yet they think by throwing colored lighting all over the fucking place, the map will magically turn into something in the q2dmx series. Get this through your head guys, colored lighting is like spiking punch with Everclear. Sure, if you do it in small doses it can be great, but if you go balls out, you're gonna make everybody sick.

THE MAP: Ummmmmm, it's terrible. You spawn in a little "+" shaped hallway, and depending on which direction you go, you walk over a different colored, sheared crate top that's sticking out of the floor for no readily apparent reason. Each crate will give you a different message, something along the lines of "You chose the pussy difficulty setting you pussy" or "You're a real man, you chose the mad dog setting!" The difference in difficulty settings can be summed up in this easy-to-use chart:

Difficulty Setting: Translation:
Easy Only 10,000 soldiers on screen at once.
Medium 15,000 soldiers and every boss
Difficult 25,000 soldiers, 10 of every boss, the prefrab tiny ships fly across the screen, random explosions / lava, game overflows in under two seconds.

Trust me folks, when the game overflows, it's be like a breath of fresh air. Kind of like the governor appealing your death sentence at the last moment.

When first starting up this map, I was impressed by the low r_speeds, as they seemed to average between 40-90. I thought, "hey, this map is ugly as a Delta Burke porno, but at least it runs fast." Then I warped into the actual "Danger Room", and the pain took over from there. R_speeds went up so high, they began getting into purely theoretical numbers. Maybe he tried to balance that out by repeating one goddammed texture all over the map, I don't know. But the end result is something just awful to the eyes and the CPU.

Oh yeah, I really loved it when the prefab spaceship made an appearance and flew across the screen, just to disappear into the wall. That was a stroke of genius, the cherry on top of the ice cream sunday that is "The Danger Room." I started screaming like a schoolgirl when I saw that tiny ship make it's way across the screen while hundreds upon thousands of Strogg troopers tried to kill me. It was even more exciting than the time I looked in the mirror and realized my ass had stopped growing.

GAMEPLAY: I wouldn't wish this map upon my worst enemies, much less the Forgetful Lumberjack. Plus I think he's been playing goddammed Everquest all day, camping magical boots or some lame shit like that.

FUN FACTOR: None to be found. If somebody can find anything remotely fun about this map, make sure to inform me, I can't find anything even remotely fun or redeeming in this abomination.

THE BOTTOM LINE: I would like to create a time machine and travel back in time to give the author's parents birth control. This map is the worst.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 10
Gameplay: - 10
Item placement: - 9
Layout: - 7
Detail: - 9
TOTAL: - 45

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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