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09.01.1999: Cranky Steve - Q2 DM: "Erik 16"
The Infamous "BFG Battle Room"!
Reviewed By: Cranky Steve
Game Mode Supported:
Overuse of Colored Lighting: Indeed.
Spelling Errors in Text File: It's Erik! Of course!
Pain Level:
Having internal organs liquefied.

Download Here (1.00 megs)

The outside courtyard... let's zoom in for a second here.
Ah, that's better.

Erik16 has it all. If you're looking for one map that touches on everything you shouldn't do, this is it.

DESCRIPTION: Erik16 is described by the author as "...a fort with an underground warehouse." Apparently the author considers gigantic pyramids and outhouses with windows to be forts, because those are the only things outside. And the "underground warehouse"? A series of large rooms lit like something from disco hell. Oh wait, I forgot the crappy mapper's creed: "If the map sucks, keep throwing colored lights at it until your monitor begins to smoke." This map succeeds where every other previous Cranky Steve map has failed; it has just about each and every undesirable element in. Sure, notoriously bad maps like "The Danger Room" lacked awful colored lighting and pussbags like "AEon's Cyber Arena" really missed out on horrible texture alignment, but this map, I am proud to say, succeeds in failing in all aspects of map design. This is a truly momentous occasion.

Anyway, back to the map description. As it continues, the author claims "Several parts were quite inspired but the rest is very bland. Oh well. Fun level." I think Erik has an inferiority complex or something, as I was hard pressed to find any area that was "bland". Well, except the outside. And the "warehouses" downstairs. And the secret maze room. And... well, now that I think about it, Erik was right. Except about the "fun" part, I'm still looking for that. Maybe it got corrupted when the file was zipped up or something.

THE MAP: You spawn in a huge pyramid. This is supposedly a fortress. I think a gigantic pyramid that lacks doors and has four entrances (all of which you have to crouch to enter or leave through) would make a great fort. If the US would've built more structures like these during the Vietnam War, we would've definitely cleaned up over there. There are four outhouses in each corner of the map, undoubtedly prefabs plopped into this map in a matter of seconds. Erik chooses to expand upon the "orange and brown" theme he developed in his "Erik#" series, and it works well in this map. Unless you have any semblance of taste, that is.

Below the "fortresses" is a whole new land, the exciting and wonderful world of colored lighting. I guess they're supposed to be "warehouses" according to the text description, but I pity da' fools that have to work in warehouses with the conditions here. Magenta lighting placed next to neon green, lava streams, doors the shape of things I've thrown up... it's a hell down there. Speaking of the doors, they're all either fucked-up triangles (tm) or fucked-up circles(tm). There is a bonus room below, some sort of ugly-ass maze that's about the size of a walk in closet and has three BFG launchers in it. Now that's weapon placement, folks!

GAMEPLAY: The Forgetful Lumberjack was more than thrilled to play another map in the "Erik#" series. When I first said, "Hey dipshit, fire up Quake 2 and join my server, I've got another Erik map on tap" he began to weep. They were tears of joy, no matter what he says to the contrary. Many exciting comments were shouted by The Forgetful Lumberjack when we deathmatched through this monstrosity. Here were some of the highlights:

"What the fuck?"

"Is that lava? Or a carpet?" (Sounds of his player burning) "Ah, ok."

"Dude, this guy can't even align the textures on the Quake 2 crates (tm)!"

"What the hell is going on here?"

Gameplay would be great for about 16-32 players, as the map's pretty fucking huge. But need I remind you that there will never be 16-32 players that coexist at one point in time that would agree to play this map?

FUN FACTOR: Thrill as you see even the most simple of Quake 2 crates (tm) lack properly aligned textures! Shudder as you enter the "Fortress of Doom" through the "Doors Built for Fucked Up Midgets"! Be amazed by the horrors of "Disco Hell"! Cringe during the BFG wars you'll have in the approximately eight cubic feet of space down in the maze! Pray for Erik's misguided soul!

THE BOTTOM LINE: All you aspiring mapmakers take a quick look at this map. It's so bad, it's good. I can't really come down too hard on this one, as it does everything wrong so perfectly. Great job, Erik.

- Cranky Steve

Category: Rating:
Aesthetics: - 6
Gameplay: - 6
Item placement: - 6
Layout: - 6
Detail: - 6
TOTAL: - 30

Individual ratings go from 0 (bearable) to -10 (painfully terrible). Total score goes from 0 (ok) to -50 (the worst piece of shit you'll ever play).

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