Bugs Bunny's Crazy Castle
At a Glance: This is it, kiddies. My final Rom Pit. The last, horrible, "burning flesh smell" sunset. The final time I have five roms floating around my desktop getting in the way of my kitten-on-a-turtle wallpaper. To finish off my two year run on the Rom Pit I decided to take a suggestion from the audience. This one is a game so boring that even though I took around three hundred screen shots it looks like I took ten. The original stealth game, long before Metal Gear Solid and Tenchu; prepare for 80 straight levels of Kemco's Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle.
Platform: NES (Download Emulator here)
Download: Download ROM here
Got a suggestion? Bug someone else!
Story: I've taken the liberty of posting the entire story right here:
"Welcome to the Crazy Castle! Listen, Doc, it's up to you to guide me, Bugs Bunny(tm), through the castle and rescue Honey Bunny(tm). But don't think it's going to be easy! Those rascals Daffy Duck(tm), Sylvester(tm), Wiley Coyote(tm), and Yosemite Sam(tm) have captured Honey Bunny and hidden her deep within the castle. Along the way we have to collect all the carrots while avoiding those rascals. Ok, Doc, let's get going!"
Seventy one words to make a story. Now you can barely get through a battle/racing game without learning the lengthy and tragic history of the man who lost his kids to drugs while attempting to put himself through trade school to learn how to drive cars with cannons on them.
Who is Honey Bunny? I've lived through his period of time, when newly created Looney Tunes looked worse than the ones made in the 1960s. I've gotten season tickets to the Space Jam and helped save the franchise by never watching anything they've put out since. To shield all of you from the two seconds it would take to either search wikipedia or begin to not care, she's a girl Bugs Bunny made up specifically for marketing purpose only to be replaced by another girl bunny with shorter shorts later on named Lola. Do people ever wonder why the new looney tunes fail? Could it be because no one can stand the concept of animals that look like people falling in love and making little animal babies?
It's gross, Hollywood. Stop it.
Gameplay: This game has the kind of heart pounding action you would find in a book of "Highlights for Children". The most excitement you get is when you go down stairs. Once you press your little rabbit foot on the second step you go into a 100 mile per hour straight downhill jam of Tony Hawk proportions. Slamming your fingers on the back button does absolutely nothing to halt you from running straight into your enemies at the bottom of the steps. Enemies that you could not see because the screen didn't let you.
To kill your deadly enemies you are given an assortment of items. Your special items include: Magic Carrot Juice (only for daddies), Boxing Gloves, various items to crush your enemies with, and the "No Carrot Sigh". I didn't see any No Carrot Sighs while playing this game but I did see a Looney Tunes ska cover band downtown that had that same name. Truly, this game has inspired greatness.
Graphics: Horrible. It looked like it was built by a dad who thought adding more pixels would cost more money. To add further insult to injury, this game was distributed in the same year that "Captain America and the Avengers" was released. Look at both of these games. No, I mean it, look at them. If Kemco was in line behind other game companies would they hide this cart behind their backs sheepishly? Punished by the Gods, they would go on to make ports of Mac adventure games Déjà vu and Uninvited in retribution for their past mistakes.
Enemies: The brains of your enemies, driven by chaos motors and children's fingers, are the most diabolical of all. The handful of enemy types (presented in a wide variety of fashionable colors) you encounter give you absolutely no clue as to what to expect from them. A blue Sylvester can sometimes climb stairs. A brown Daffy Duck will stand and stare at you from across the hall, mouthing what horrible things he will do to you when he gets his fingers on you. His wing fingers. Fingeywings. You end up constantly being faked out and running into them with no clue how to predict their behaviors. This means that the programmers must have studied quantum physics or poured oatmeal into their opened computers to somehow make this game.
Fun: Eighty levels with five different enemy types, over and over again until you get to the last stage. Then you start again after a quick ending. I remember playing this game all the way through when I was little. Maybe this means I was a desperate and lonely child that survived off of toe nails and television. Or perhaps my mind has become tainted with the expectation that media should enlighten and engage us. After looking at this for a few moments, I think I was just stupid as a brick back then.
As I bring my final Rom Pit to a close, I look back at a two year list of terrible, terrible games. I remember playing video games while recovering from surgery. Forcing my brain through Deathbots like a runner shanghaied into a marathon of jello. I cringe when I look back at my first writings, clear indicators that I use too many commas and couldn't shut up. So, I'll do that now.
Thank you for reading my writing. I hope I made you laugh a few times. Have a good weekend.
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).