How The Olive Garden Hopes To Outdo Amazon's Drones
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Please Enjoy The First Two Minutes Of A Triple-A Game
Look out, world. Also, hello world. I have single-handedly created the opening minutes of a AAA video game. Imagine what I could accomplish with just a few million dollars.
Let Me Tell You Exactly How Big The Universe Is
The universe is vast. It's so darn big that you can't even see the entire thing at once unless you take a few steps back and stand on a chair.
Sponsored Links
One neat trick that you won't believe. These hottest celebs are married to soccer players and they aren't wearing makeup. This is an incredible article.
Patch Notes: New Console Edition, System Reviews Are The Worst
The latest consoles aren't content with simply resembling PCs. They want to outdo them - by having way more patches.
BUYER BEWARE! The Ogco Face Mulcher Is A Surprisingly Dangerous Product
This thing's package is a cardboard box with edges that are VERY SHARP. It only took three minutes of vigorous rubbing before a wound appeared on my neck.
Obtaining A PlayStation 4 Without A Pre-Order
If you haven't already pre-ordered a PS4, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else will have all the fun and there won't be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
Objections From The Prosecution In The Trial Of Murderman
Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
Eldritch
In the interest of transparency, I am biased in favor of Eldritch. It's true. I'm super corrupt. The game flat out bribed me.
Build Your Own Standing Desk
Sitting at your computer for hours on end is unhealthy. It promotes bad posture, shifts all of your guts down into your belly button, and lowers your lifespan by an average of four to eighteen years.
A Whose Whom Of Doctor Who's
Within the fiction of the show, Doctor Who is an immortal "Time Wizard". He takes a nap when one actor departs and he wakes up with a new face as well as a slightly different personality. This process reminds me of my childhood dog, only it happens every few years rather than every six months.
Primo Bird Pranks
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly into its flight path.
ROMs And Abandonware: Know The Law!
It's legal to download a ROM and play it as much as you want, provided you delete it after 48 hours. If you have a valid doctor's note, however, you can keep the ROM on your hard drive for up to 72 hours.
What's New In Windows 8.1
Here's a fun Easter Egg: By default, the icon for every native Windows 8 application now depicts a YouTube personality making a very wacky face, often at an odd angle. To access this Easter Egg, look at an icon and see it.
Think You Know The Plot Of The Net 2.0? Prove It!
Hope Cassidy is a young computer hacker who prove her worth when she order a pizza using the internet. Ali Abay informs her by telegram that she has the job. While she is on the plane she suddenly meets a sky marshal who give her a champagne and a earring and we can see her computer screen while she is distracted says "YOU BEEN HACKED".
How Could The PlayStation 4 Fail?
When the PlayStation 3 launched, Sony was kind of a dick. Intoxicated by the fart vapors of their own success, they exuded arrogance and dismissiveness. "We are the best and this is our next console", the company's executives seemed to say while smoking behind a 7-11 and pushing little kids to the ground.
Please Return To Enemy Pasture Online!
You stopped playing Enemy Pasture Online when the amazing features that lured you in gave way to the repetition and deliberate time wasting that plague all MMOs. Things have changed! Now everyone has a holo-firework kit and can do a /twerk dance.
New TV Show Roundup For Fall 2013
Do you wish there were more network shows about adults interacting with their wacky parents? Are your favorite Seth McFarlane jokes the ones that are so lazy and blatantly sexist/homophobic/racist that they couldn't POSSIBLY be sexist, homophobic, or racist? Please eat an entire set of silverware then crawl into a trash compactor.
Frank Opinion's Hardest-Hitting Editorials
Frank Opinion is an internationally syndicated columnist covering hot-button issues. His controversial editorial style holds nothing back. Opinion's views do not represent those of Something Awful or its parent company, FedoraSingles.com.
Valve's SteamOS, Grand Theft Auto V
SteamOS will be free, but it will be adopted at a far greater rate when it goes on a daily sale for 75% off.
A Review Of The Grand Theft Auto V Press Review Kit
If IGN and Gamespot are The New York Times and The Guardian of video game coverage, Something Awful is a scabby stray dog that will happily eat any newspaper it comes across. We make jokes and our game reviews don't have an impact on the highly scientific numbers at Metacritic so we technically don't even exist.
True Tales Of Apple Store Bullying
"This is our company policy," he explained with a sinister laugh. "We never fix anything or help anyone. Standard procedure is to humiliate people and break their things until they leave us alone. I am stomping on your laptop."
Stretch Goals For Star Citizen
A modern space combat sim from the creator of Wing Commander couldn't be more popular if it featured zombies and randomly generated blocks covered in horrible pixel textures.
The Horrors Of Total War: Rome II
I am a veteran of the Total Wars. In my time as a commander in Napoleonic France and feudal Japan I have seen men and empires and tree models alike wink out of existence. For all the cruel acts I have observed and contributed to, nothing compares to the horrors I have encountered in Rome.
Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of The Murdered Man
Originally published in the May 1893 issue of Cricket And Ornamental Tobacco Pipes Monthly, The Case Of The Murdered Man is easily the most terrible Sherlock Holmes story ever written.
What Is A Video Game?
A video game is a reminder that you should be careful while staring into the abyss, lest you become a monster yourself.
A World Without Cronuts
On the horizon, a great and hungry fire sweeps across a hillside. The blaze has consumed everything in its path for weeks. Firefighters can only evacuate potential victims or watch helplessly, as they have no cronuts with which to smother the flames.
Ben Affleck As Daredevil Will Be A Terrible Batman
Anyone who has seen Daredevil knows that getting Ben Affleck to play Batman while in character as Daredevil is a huge mistake. We've been waiting so long for a proper Batman/Superman movie, and now it's doomed.
How To Tell Gone Home And Divinity: Dragon Commander Apart
With Gone Home and Divinity: Dragon Commander releasing within days of one another, how are consumers supposed to tell these remarkably similar games apart?
Welcome To The Takedown Area
Hey, Elon Musk! Your name sounds like a ghostbuster. Your ghostbuster super power would be coming up with bad ideas and being a billionaire.
Say "Handyman" Three Times In A Mirror
If you need home repairs done but you don't have enough money to hire a licensed contractor who actually knows what they're doing, call me!
Fez 2 Wasn't The Only Game Canceled Under Bizarre Circumstances
No one would get to play Metal Gear Solid V, because everyone had been bad and they should have felt very sorry. It was such a great game, too, lamented Kojima, shaking his head sadly while addressing a room full of anvils suspended over chairs.
We've Nearly Killed All The Dudes, Shadowrun Returns Reviewed
You don't have to read our Shadowrun Returns review with a headjack and high level security access to the matrix, but it can't hurt.
These Ain't Your Daddy's "This Ain't Your Daddy's" Jokes
This ain't your daddy's autograph. Look at the loops. Look closer, dude. Those loops are hella controlled. I am a professional handwriting analyst and I am telling you that your daddy's loops are wild and sprawling. I've been examining your daddy's signature for years.
Has Technology Gone Too Far???
You stop, unable to pass until you have answered the McDonald's clown's three riddles and sworn fealty to his cause. The Xbox One awards your compliance with an Achievement, then passes a 3D recording of the last ten minutes to the NSA and its advertising partners.
Patch Notes: The Last Of Us, The Raven - Legacy Of A Master Thief Reviewed
Will The Last Of Us ever be the same without a /dance command? Is The Raven the most pure and enjoyable adventure game of the last decade? You'll never know unless you read on. Or guess correctly.
A Complete Glossary Of Comic Book Condition Abbreviations
MSD - Minor sledgehammer damage.
Sneak Peek: The Jurassic Park 4 Trailer
After lingering in development hell for more than a decade, Jurassic Park 4 is set for a 2015 release. We're proud to present an exclusive first look at the film's trailer.
International Censorship
The Walking Dead's zombies were remodeled as robots for the German release. All the humans? Turned into dogs, and their dialog was re-recorded as barking.
You Can't Take Superman Anywhere
Superman seems like the ultimate friend. In truth, he is the most embarrassing person you could possibly be seen in public with.
If Films Were Reviewed Like Video Games
The camera never falls over during a scene. Actors are always in frame. The film runs at a steady 24fps with very few frame drops. Since World War Z has a big enough budget to ensure that it doesn't have any glaring mistakes, we're happy to say that it will score at least a 7/10.
Master Of The Recorder, God Among Men
I didn't always want to play the recorder. In fact, it was the last instrument I wanted any part of, as it carried a certain reputation that I was eager to avoid. My studies were very important to me, and I couldn't afford to get distracted by all the romantic attention that the recorder would attract.
Microsoft's Policy Reversal, A Month Of Exclusion
If you're a fan of elbowing people out of this growing medium through acts of selfishness, grossness, and gleeful aggression, this was an awesome month.
A Most Magnificent Ship
Aye, by all accounts she was lovely. Th' most magnificent vessel ever constructed by human hands, or so they say. Her hull was crafted from th' finest porcelain. Thin as a deckhand's willpower on shore leave in Sexy Gambler's Cove, it was.
Rejected Mac Pro Designs
It's sleek. It's elegant. It draws inspiration from a variety of muses, from hotel trash cans to e-cigs and keychain flashlights. It could have been worse.
E3 Plans, Deus Ex: Unnecessary Tablet Edition, Gunpoint
What are our plans for this year's E3? Why did anyone think the Deus Ex and Halo tablet games would be a good idea? Why is Gunpoint so refreshing? Why are all these sentences taking the form of questions?
If You Pick Up On The Subtext, The Rocky Movies Are About Punching
A viewing of the Rocky films will entertain you with larger than life characters vacillating between every social class in America. At one point there's even a robot butler. If you watch closely, though, you'll realize that far below the surface a deeper meaning is being put forth by the creators: Punching.
Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Bought A Giant Mech As My First Car
I won't exactly call it buyer's remorse. Not yet, at least. I'm just starting to realize that a sentient 80 foot tall murder robot comes with more baggage than I had considered.
Dissecting The Destiny Trailer, Struggling To Find Hope For The Wii U
The Wii U may be on the ropes, but Nintendo can take solace in the fact that it isn't the Xbox One.
Xbox One Buzzwords Explained
"Groundbreaking," said just about everyone that took the stage. As far as I can tell, the Xbox One is groundbreaking because it is new. Being a new thing also makes it the "future of interactive entertainment".
