Realistic Expectations For This Year's Biggest Games
Mad with power after firing longtime composer Marty O'Donnell, Bungie becomes self-aware and terminates all employees, sarcastically wishing them luck in their future endeavors. Destiny isn't even a disc, but a pink slip.
Minor Inaccuracies in the Animated Historical Segments of Cosmos
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
Peculiar Panels: The Gritty Reboot (Part 3)
Prepare yourself for quite possibly the most effective use of "BOWL" as a sound effect.
The Art Of War By Sun Tzu Is Garbage
Commonly referenced in pop culture and embraced by business idiots with delusions of leading interesting lives, The Art Of War is an ancient rumination on strategy. Everyone seems to take it for granted that it's a brilliant book. Has anyone actually read it, though?
The MMO Currency Comparison Chart
How much copper is in an intergalactic credit, and can you buy a gil with a Cash Shop gem or glory?
Marvel's Fourteen Year Movie Roadmap
Do you like movies that feature Marvel characters? I hope you like them. A lot. As in, "I could watch several every year until at least 2028," because a new Businessweek article reveals that Marvel has indeed mapped out their movie plans for the next fourteen years.
Hidden Dangers: Items In Your House That Could Hurt You
We fear the shooting, the terrorist attack, the car accident, the Google Glass wearer. Yet most of us will never suffer injuries from these looming threats. Our greatest risk comes at home, from the unassuming objects we interact with every day without thinking twice.
Diablo III's New Class Is Pretty Weird
Reaper of Souls introduces a new class, the Crusader. While this shield-carrying holy warrior may seem like a reworking of the Diablo II Paladin, a closer look at the Crusader's skills reveals a rather unconventional character.
Now Sony Has An Oculus Named Morpheus
First gen virtual reality: A circular platform surrounded by a waist-high rail prevented you from walking off into an open furnace. A thirty pound helmet was affixed to your head with straps made entirely of nerd sweat and dandruff.
Consider the Lost-Alikes
Somehow ten years have passed since the premiere of Lost. While I liked the show quite a bit and even participated in some truly shameful mythos speculation, I'm not going to pretend that it was the greatest television series ever made.
What You Should Be Watching on the WWE Network
Now that the WWE Network has launched, every pay per view show from the company's history is available to stream. That's great. It's also overwhelming. What's the difference between all these events? Which ones are worth your time?
Patch Notes: Dark Souls II
Added a small cloud to hover over the player's head. It never stops raining.
Let's Get Way More Specific With Our Lists of the Top Rich People
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
Was the Narration in Blade Runner Really That Bad?
"Hi there, folks. Rick Deckard here. I am a Blade Runner. You know, sometimes I get to thinking and I wonder if maybe I myself am an android. Weird, right? Wouldn't that be something?"
Thief: A Guard's Patrol Log
It's my first night as a guard here at Plot Point Manor, but I can already tell this is going to be a sweet gig.
In Defense of "In Defense of" Articles
You launch yourself at the archive of "In Defense of" articles and I expertly step into your path. My hands are behind my back, my very powerful body assuming a non-threatening posture.
A Few Important Words From Spring Cleaning Bear
(Knocks over a can of garbage. Snuffles through the scattered debris. Gingerly licks crumbs and sticky patches of blueberry from a muffin wrapper while panting greedily, the heavy breaths flapping wavy ripples along her lips. Turns to the camera.)
Making the Perfect Cup of Coffee
The perfect cup of coffee is nearly as elusive as a good metaphor. Some people have spent their whole lives in the pursuit of perfect coffee and died without having known its taste upon their lips. That sounded like a bad idea, so I decided to try for around a month and succeed instead.
Play Blinky Fish, EA's Flappy Bird Successor
Flappy Bird may be gone, but Blinky Fish promises to offer just as much quality and depth of gameplay.
Sonic's Scarf Changes Everything
The scarf represents rugged charm. Sonic with a scarf can open a treasure. He can tumble down a hill. He can look at a map. He can point at a goat or practically any object.
Peculiar Panels: The Senses-Shattering Second Issue (Part 2)
What is WHRRRRR? What does it have to do with TOOT, if anything? Plus: Someone WILL die in this issue!
Signs That There's Probably No More Misogyny In The Games Industry
Lara Croft's breasts aren't mega enormous any more. No big boobs, no misogyny. They are the canaries of the industry's coal mine.
The New RoboCop's 30 Prime Directives
The original RoboCop was programmed to abide by four prime directives. That was in 1987's near future. Our near future is far more complicated thanks to advancements such as computers and rap music. As a result the new RoboCop needs no less than thirty prime directives to be an effective robot cop.
Peculiar Panels (Part 1)
The goons in Batman's Shameful Secret have been posting funny comic book panels for years. In this new sporadically updated series we'll spotlight their most outlandish and puzzling contributions.
Shadow of Mordor and the Orc That Got Away
The lead designer of Red Dead Redemption. A combat system that's reminiscent of the Batman Arkham games, but with rune-covered swords and orcs drenched in lumpy spitoon juice.
Adventurer, That Sword Is None Other Than The Legendary Badsmiter
Its blade was formed from the purest Elven moonsilver, for that was known by all to be the lightest and most durable of all the metals in the realm, and because ingots were on sale in a buy two get one free special.
Next Season On Top Chef
When you simply do your job, the level of artistry on display is so impressive that our audience would like nothing more than to watch you prepare a single, thoughtful dish. For your first challenge you will be cooking a vat of sloppy joes for a buffet line of three hundred people.
I Have Embraced My Hideous Body, And You Should Too
My thick leg hair was once a source of tremendous shame. Now look at all of these trophies.
2013 Predictions We'd Like To Take Back
Mark my words. The PlayStation 4 will be the world's first console shaped like a saxophone.
Using Common Sense To Stay Cyber Secure
You don't need a Guy Fawkes mask and a fedora to keep your computer information secure. Just one of these objects of power should be more than capable of generating a field of sufficient strength to protect an average user. Two is overkill.
Leaked Details Reveal Everything There Is To Know About The Elder Scrolls Online
The whole reason for this game and all the conflict within it? There's an evil. Someone should probably stop the evil. I filed a suggestion that it should be the players who get to stop the evil. That seems like a fun thing to do.
There's Probably No Escape From Savage Bloodprison Island
That sucker is high grade chain link. Newest tech on the market. You ever tried to scale a chain link fence? It's impossible. The holes are nowhere near big enough for your feet to find purchase.
I Love That Movie! ME
Oh man, did I just hear you guys talking about Forest Gump? That is so great! It's probably my favorite movie of all time. I know everything about it. The best part is when he finally escapes after being stranded in the forest for all those years. What a powerful film.
How The Olive Garden Hopes To Outdo Amazon's Drones
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Please Enjoy The First Two Minutes Of A Triple-A Game
Look out, world. Also, hello world. I have single-handedly created the opening minutes of a AAA video game. Imagine what I could accomplish with just a few million dollars.
Let Me Tell You Exactly How Big The Universe Is
The universe is vast. It's so darn big that you can't even see the entire thing at once unless you take a few steps back and stand on a chair.
Sponsored Links
One neat trick that you won't believe. These hottest celebs are married to soccer players and they aren't wearing makeup. This is an incredible article.
Patch Notes: New Console Edition, System Reviews Are The Worst
The latest consoles aren't content with simply resembling PCs. They want to outdo them - by having way more patches.
BUYER BEWARE! The Ogco Face Mulcher Is A Surprisingly Dangerous Product
This thing's package is a cardboard box with edges that are VERY SHARP. It only took three minutes of vigorous rubbing before a wound appeared on my neck.
Obtaining A PlayStation 4 Without A Pre-Order
If you haven't already pre-ordered a PS4, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else will have all the fun and there won't be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
Objections From The Prosecution In The Trial Of Murderman
Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
Eldritch
In the interest of transparency, I am biased in favor of Eldritch. It's true. I'm super corrupt. The game flat out bribed me.
Build Your Own Standing Desk
Sitting at your computer for hours on end is unhealthy. It promotes bad posture, shifts all of your guts down into your belly button, and lowers your lifespan by an average of four to eighteen years.
A Whose Whom Of Doctor Who's
Within the fiction of the show, Doctor Who is an immortal "Time Wizard". He takes a nap when one actor departs and he wakes up with a new face as well as a slightly different personality. This process reminds me of my childhood dog, only it happens every few years rather than every six months.
Primo Bird Pranks
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly into its flight path.
ROMs And Abandonware: Know The Law!
It's legal to download a ROM and play it as much as you want, provided you delete it after 48 hours. If you have a valid doctor's note, however, you can keep the ROM on your hard drive for up to 72 hours.
What's New In Windows 8.1
Here's a fun Easter Egg: By default, the icon for every native Windows 8 application now depicts a YouTube personality making a very wacky face, often at an odd angle. To access this Easter Egg, look at an icon and see it.
Think You Know The Plot Of The Net 2.0? Prove It!
Hope Cassidy is a young computer hacker who prove her worth when she order a pizza using the internet. Ali Abay informs her by telegram that she has the job. While she is on the plane she suddenly meets a sky marshal who give her a champagne and a earring and we can see her computer screen while she is distracted says "YOU BEEN HACKED".
How Could The PlayStation 4 Fail?
When the PlayStation 3 launched, Sony was kind of a dick. Intoxicated by the fart vapors of their own success, they exuded arrogance and dismissiveness. "We are the best and this is our next console", the company's executives seemed to say while smoking behind a 7-11 and pushing little kids to the ground.
Please Return To Enemy Pasture Online!
You stopped playing Enemy Pasture Online when the amazing features that lured you in gave way to the repetition and deliberate time wasting that plague all MMOs. Things have changed! Now everyone has a holo-firework kit and can do a /twerk dance.
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