I Have Been a Game Developer For 3 Days. Here's Everything I Know
After three days I pretty much know everything about game development. Admittedly I may have to learn what it's like to win a lifetime achievement award, but that will come next year.
Reviewers LOVE the New God of War Game
"God of War is the realization of our collective hopes and dreams, not just as gamers, but as gamer-citizens."
Sponsored Links: Rising: The Return: The Eleventhening (Part 10)
It's nearly been a year since we last checked in on the internet's most terrible ads. What changed? Not much.
Patch Notes Roundup: Far Cry 5, Sea of Thieves, Fortnite
Sea of Thieves: Reduced the variety of enemy types from skeletons, snakes, sharks, and non-functioning Kraken to [PLACEHOLDER UNTEXTURED CUBE]
How Will WWE Fill All 7+ Hours of Wrestlemania?
Pinfalls have been changed from the standard 3 count to a far more dramatic 300 count. Several times per match, a pinned wrestler musters the strength to miraculously break free after the referee reaches 299.
Assorted Feedback From the Customer Feedback Boxes In Customer Feedback Box Park
I am absolutely thrilled that there is a theme park containing row upon row of customer feedback boxes, stretching out for acres in every direction. What a delight!
I'm Making a Game! Try the Demo in Your Browser, Give Your Life Savings to the Kickstarter
I'm making a choose-your-own-adventure comedy game about uninformed choices and unfair consequences. It's called Harm Other, and you can play the demo now.
My Warhammer Novel Pitch
Games Workshop is looking for samples from aspiring Warhammer authors. Since my biggest dream in life is to have a book published, I put together this submission. Fingers crossed!
My Favorite Scenes From Batman & Ronin
INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - The personification of flopsweat, MR. FREEZE (Sean Bean) desperately tries to impress a group of experienced outlaws with cold-themed puns.
The Best PC Games You Can't Buy
Before the noted terrible game Destiny 2, and even before Halo, Bungie made fantasy games about dwarfs exploding into gross bloody chunks on hills and bridges.
Why Is Brooklyn Barbeque Taking Over the World?
Are two squashed cafeteria rolls and a forlorn clump of grey meatfat biscotti on a sea of butcher paper really taking over the world?
Into the Breach: Strategically Pushing Kaiju Bugs Into Pools
In most games you'd hop into your mech and shoot the giant alien bugs until they fell over. Here, you turn Asshole Physics into an art form.
Star Wars: Galaxies and the Joy of Being a Big Dumb Baby
One month after the launch of Star Wars: Galaxies a scrawny Mon Calamari stands in an Imperial player-created city, hands at his sides and large vacant eyes also at his sides.
Have You Considered the Consequences of a Gun-Free USA?
The guns are gone. Now what happens to all those paper targets? Don't tell me you forgot about the paper targets. The ones hanging from little clips on fancy clotheslines at shooting ranges. With no guns to destroy these legions of paper bastards, they go unchecked.
Let Me Explain Economics
You have four supply, four lemonades, and four profits. You sell them all for two profits. That's pure profit.
It's the 20th Anniversary of My Quake 2 David Letterman Skin!
The Quake 2 David Letterman skin remains my crowning achievement, a work of art as vital and compelling as it was the day that dave.pcx was uploaded.
Nintendo's Going Into Labo
Cardboard. Seems like an odd material to base a product around, right? You might think it's less durable than plastic, and you're absolutely right. Players won't be able to use Labo inside of a running industrial shredder, as that could potentially damage the cardboard.
Wacky Video Game Logic... In Real Life?!? What the
Wacky video game logic: If you become injured, try to get healed as quickly as possible.
Outdated GPS Devices: Where Are They Now?
Where is the TomTom Navigator now? 40.7 Latitude, -74 Longitude
A Little Advice For Astronauts
Hungry? Try looking around for a little something called ASTRONAUT FOOD. Or you can hold out until you get to Pluto and look for some berries... if you want to starve to death!
Review: Mouse Guard Roleplaying Game (Part 8)
Before we get started you should know that I have never Dungeoned a Dragon or Findered a Path. As you read this review please keep in mind that Mouse Guard is my first pen & paper RPG and I am a colossal idiot.
A CPU Bug Is Sweeping the Cyber Nation and I Am Freaking Out!!
As you may have heard on the news or from your town crier, all the computer chips stopped working. There was a flaw. It got in there at the very beginning of computers and as chips got faster and smaller the flaw became more powerful and harder to see.
If Global Warming is Real, Why Do Cold Things Exist?
If global warming is real, why does the Hoth sequence of Empire Strikes Back look exactly the same as it did when the movie first came out?
Special Guest Idris Elba's (Not a Joke) Top 10 Games of 2017
I didn't expect a reply, but it came. Here, somehow, is Idris Elba's list of 2017's best games.
The Complete History of Magic Leap Prototypes: Leap Before You Look
You might think the Magic Leap headset is understated and not at all ridiculous-looking, but it wasn't always so perfect.
A Caricature Artist Describes His Attackers
He had a yellow inflatable tube around his waist, the kind with a comical duck head. There was a tiny fish in one of his hands, and a trident in the other. In the background a squirrel wearing shades was water skiing.
Patch Notes: The PUBG Girl Parts Update
All gun sights and scopes changed to Fleshlights - zoom in to get a good look at the mysterious sex organ
Democrats and the Press Fight Back
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
Do You Remember the Names of ALL the Mega Man Bosses? I Do!
To celebrate this week's announcement of Mega Man 11 - the first Mega Man game since Mega Man 6 on the NES - let's remember all the terrific bosses we've faced in this beloved series!
2017 Game of the Year Awards Part One: January to July
This covers the first half of the year, from January to July. Which half of the year will the next installment cover? You'll have to come back on December 13th to find out!
What This American Is Thankful for in 2017
I'm thankful that the internet has a few more weeks of Net Neutrality protection before the inevitable outcome of deregulation comes to pass. I'll see you on Tier Basic, assuming you spring for the Limited Email Plan and your ISP hasn't throttled this domain.
Loot Boxes and Unlocks(es?), Battlefront II and You
The default crosshair is an enormous block of text flashing "YOU ARE A GARBAGE IDIOT". Simply play the game for 100 hours to unlock a regular crosshair, or buy the Elite Sniper Pack for $29.99.
The Scoundrel's Guide to Choosing a Spaceship
What you need is a cramped cargo hold that is an absolute pain in the ass to use. We're talking about a dusty half-closet that forces you to rearrange your entire collection of vests and striped pants to make room for a single crate of iridium jizz flutes.
I Wrote The Most Popular Tweet Of All Time
You're looking at the most popular tweet of all time. 28K retweets. 54K likes. Nothing comes close. For comparison, the second most popular tweet comes from president Barack Obama, trailing far behind with a mere 1.7K retweets and 4.6K likes.
Warhammer Underworlds: Shadespire (Part 7)
You appreciate Warhammer from a safe distance. Yet for some reason you haven't taken the plunge and tried a miniatures wargame. Warhammer Underworlds: Shadespire is the ideal way to dip your toe in the water. Swimming. Metaphors.
Apple's Last Great Computer: The Plastic MacBook
In 2010 it was possible to walk into any store that sold Apple products (an "Apple Shop" if you will) and purchase the best laptop the company ever produced. I'm talking, of course, about the...
How to Determine the Authenticity of This Authentication Guide
Lean in close to your screen. Inhale deeply. Does this guide give off a cloyingly sour odor? Then it is likely the genuine article.
Japanese Box Art Is Always Better
A hot dog leaping, fist raised in jubilation. A sweaty business man making an O with his mouth as his bow tie spins like a propeller. A swirling vortex of dreidels. This is the Japanese box art for Gone Home.
The Worst Things Your Flight's Pilot Could Possibly Say
"Oh, look, it's me from the future! And there's another me, made of anti-matter! All three of us are reaching out towards the exact same point in space, our fingertips on a collision course."
Bull in a China Shop
Why do I keep doing this to myself? The manager's been following me around since the moment I set hoof in this place.
What Can You Do In Divinity: Original Sin 2?
You can open up your inventory and gasp. A thousand keys? Three thousand books? Enough body parts to make twenty entire elves?
7 Essential Games Nintendo Forgot To Put On The SNES Classic
The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild is the most popular, critically acclaimed Zelda game since Ocarina Of Time. Think about how many more SNES Classics it would sell!
James Cameron's Billion Dollar Avatar 2-5 Budget Request
Hi studio. This James Cameron, needing money for Avatar movie times four. What I spend the money on below okay. It's good proposition.
There's More Bad Destiny 2 Merchandise Than Good Destiny 2 Content
Candles scented like planets(?) and Destiny logo ice cube trayss increase KDR by 26% on average! Trusted by Pros
All Six Uses For The Human Hands
We use the hands to shred PHONE BILL. We know not where PHONE BILL originated, nor do we know what it means. These are matters of some philosophical debate. Some say the entire subject is out of our hands.
Remembering The Cowboy Scientists
These are the unsung cowboy scientists. Forgotten pioneers, not only of the wild west but also of the wild frontier of systematic study through experimentation and observation.
If I Was The Onion's Video Game Editor
Hosts Spend Entirety Of Weekly 4-Hour Podcast Bemoaning Lack Of Time To Play Discussed Games
IT Cinematic Universe Viewing Order
Where does The IT Crowd fit into the It cinematic universe? Find out here!
Incoherent Proposal: How Far Will I Go For Money Dollars?
What would I do for $1,000,00? Live in a Swiss chalet for one year rent-free. Food and entertainment provided. My every whim anticipated, never experiencing a moment absent of absolute safety and comfort.
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