Convincing People to Buy Mediocre Games, PAINTBALL MAX'D
A new game has mixed or only slightly positive reviews, and as an idiot you feel personally invested in its success. You decide to convince other people on the internet to buy this game. Here's how you go about doing that.
The Men Must Pay for What They Did to the Footballs
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
Nintendo's Selling Systems Without Power Cords, On Purpose
If you live in north America or Europe, the New Nintendo 3DS (not to be confused with the Nintendo 3DS, Nintendo 2DS, Nintendo 3DS U, or Nokia N-Gage) will not come with an AC adapter. I'm pretty sure that means you won't be able to charge the internal battery unless you rub the system against a power outlet for a few days and hope for the best.
Know Your Dota 2 Skills
Want to be the best Dota 2 player in your cult's compound? You need to be able to identify every skill with a quick glance. Here's your visual guide.
The Only Questions a Sideline Reporter Will Ever Need
I heard you have a new baby at home. This must be such an exciting, emotional time for you. I have to ask, though, what is a baby?
Which Movie Will Be More Bad: Blackhat or Jupiter Ascending?
Jupiter Ascending asks: What if one of the lesser Star Wars movies had the visual design of the Underworld series?
Know Your Dragon Age: Inquisition Skills
You can use abilities and skills to win a video game. I recommend it! Here's a handy visual guide to the skills in Dragon Age: Inquisition. Push the button that does them and you'll win faster.
The Wire HD Remaster Has Some Problems
The new widescreen HD remaster of The Wire sounded like a safe bet, given series creator David Simon's close involvement with the conversion. Did you catch last weekend's marathon? Some of the changes struck me as odd, but I want to run them by you guys to make sure I'm not overreacting.
Hatred is More Extreme Than You Could Possibly Imagine
The game feature multiple twisted, sadistic shooting spree locations including: a hospital, a helpless baby and puppy storage facility, and ice world.
Clever Names For Monster-Owned Businesses
Starting a company is difficult for anyone - doubly so if you happen to be a monster. Make the most of your unique situation with a clever business name to catch the customer's eye.
What's Currently Working In Halo: The Master Chief Collection
Technically a collection of four Halo games and their multiplayer components, The Master Chief Collection is in fact a menu that presents several buttons and submenus, each containing a fabulous array of errors and lock-ups.
Without The Classic Movie "The Matrix" I Would Be a Very Different Person
The first Matrix film didn't expand my worldview. It established my worldview. The Matrix introduced concepts I had never thought about before: Reality, computers, religion, social issues.
With a Little Effort, You Can Make Anything Seem Terrible
gee, sun, thanks for life and warmth and light. you totally did it on purpose and aren't just a stupid exploding deathtrap
Staff Picks: The Best Gaming Laptops
Gaming laptops cost thirty times as much as similarly performing desktops. You can't upgrade them because their cases are locked and only Prickly Pete has the key. They tend to be less portable than regular laptops, weighing anywhere between fifteen and eighty pounds. Buying a gaming laptop is a terrific idea.
Those Assassin's Creed Unity Glitches Aren't Glitches At All
Internet bullies have been ganging up on Assassin's Creed: Unity, claiming it's full of glitches. You might have seen a few screenshots that looked a little weird out of context.
These Black Friday Deals Are Incredible!
Buy one pilot lesson, get all the refried beans you can hold in your hands for the duration of the lesson free!
Do These Good Ethics
Say "no" when someone at one of your fancy game journalism parties crushes a rare NES cart into fine powder and offers you a rail to snort.
Wrestling Promos Were Way Better in the Attitude Era
There ain't nobody tough enough to make Stone Cold Steve Austin eat his veggies! No one in that damn locker room. No one in this whole damn arena. No on in the entire damn universe has the muscles to open my mouth and make me chew on a damn broccoli.
Unforgettable Metal Gear Moments
The titular Metal Gear is introduced, a giant walking tank capable of eating far more ice cream than any single man.
How to Spot Me in a Crowd
Sorry about the blurry photo. I was lunging at my phone, yelling at it to take a clear picture. It's the only image of me that exists. I'd take another picture for you, but I'm in the middle of a rigorous trampoline session.
Gaming Update From Your Aunt or a Major Print News Outlet
When one man falls down there appears to be an explosion and then he comes back invisible for a few seconds. Presumably this is going to receive a hard R rating from the ESRB.
Meet Your Body's Most Useless Organs
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Bill O'Reilly's Plan to Defeat ISIS
Hear the man out. His ideas for stopping ISIS feature more action figure potential than any other plan to date.
I Wish I Had Known These Wasteland 2 Tips
Creating a party in Wasteland 2 can be daunting. I dispense with the usual nonsense to offer some of the limited knowledge I picked up while playing the game for review.
Microsoft Bought Minecraft - Now What?
The first time "fast", "decisive", and "efficient" could have been used to describe the Minecraft development team was when they snatched the $2.5 billion dollar check out of Microsoft's sweaty, shaking hand.
The Peculiarest Panels of All (Part 4)
It is estimated that over ten comic book panels are created every month by the comic book industry. Some of them are bound to be peculiar. This series will never die.
Destiny Is So Restrained It'll Blow Your Face Off
How restrained is Destiny? If you look at the game packaging closely, you'll realize the letters in the title only spell out Destin
A Wondrous Introduction to the Internet (Part 1 of 300)
PREPARE for a voyage of electronic proportions at the speed of sound! I am Digitalario Futurebits, your humble tour guide through the newly opened World Wide Web. Your navigator of this netscape, if you will.
Women Aren't the Only Non-Men Ruining Video Games
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
Goblin Business Weekly
Master is troll wizard, so's if he get angry he might cast spell up on my self and bite off my whole head in one chomp.
Console Warranty Carnage, This Cybermancy Is Divine, One Sentence Reviews
You should be more careful with your console. I should be more careful about approaching cybermen. We should all be happy that there are finally new games on the way.
Glowing Testimonials for FakeTestimonials.com
Our fake testimonials lower customers' defenses by making your company appear reliable and desirable. How does it work? An advanced algorithm (coded and executed entirely in NewtonScript) looks for words on the internet and then it finds some names and adds those too.
Nice and Accurate NFL Predictions
My brain is a football... of the mind. Oblong, powerful, supple. With it I am able to foresee everything that is destined to occur in the upcoming NFL season with 100% certainty. Benefit from my knowledge or die.
Out with the Old Genres, in with the Educational Smut
We can only take so many shooters, survival games, and Dota clones. It's time for the rise of Skeleton Warrior Speed Dating.
Exciting Changes Are Coming to Twitch.tv!
We believe these policies are a net positive for everyone in the futuristic medium of prolonged menu fiddling, saying "uhh", and pausing to look at a chat window every ten seconds.
Dough-Headed Man Is Not Pleased With The Following Gyms
Don't expect me to bust out a story about a positive gym experience. My sole purpose is to tell you which hellish gyms to stay away from. My head is a lump of dough. It is comprised of water, yeast, and flour.
Celebrating 25 Years Of Everyone's Favorite Character: Crowd Guy
In every game with a crowd, there is a crowd. In every crowd, there is a guy. This is that guy.
This Update Is Exclusively for Cool People
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
Slammin' Facts From the WWE
Of all the many sports with extended musical entrances involving pyrotechnics and enormous screens, professional wrestling is easily the most educational. Each installment of WWE's Monday Night Raw features informative factoid graphics which pop up during the action to expand the audience's horizons.
Divinity: Original Sin Reviewed
Divinity: Original Sin offers a different kind of freedom. The freedom to be a thieving, environment-altering dumbass.
Essential Advice From a Legendary Home Chef
There were no good pizzas nearby. After developing my own home made dough and sauce through trial and error for several months, there continued to be no good pizzas.
WootBoom's Refurbished Item Grading System
"A" Condition clothing: All bets are off smell-wise. Areas that normally bend, such as the spots around your knees or elbows, will be rigid.
Thrilling Scenes From Batman V Superman
Superman stands in the rain, scowling as he studies a chart with every color in the universe, from grey to blue grey to black.
Old Game Magazine Ads Are Weirder Than You Remember
You might remember extreme attitudes, clumsy sexual subtext, and splatter fonts. There was a lot more going on in game magazine ads, though, and it was all dumb.
Adobe's Electronic Ruler is Just the Beginning
If you don't get the appeal of the Slide, that's because Adobe has engineered this product for the future. Specifically, for six months from now, when you open a drawer and come across this physical manifestation of buyer's remorse alongside a cell phone heart rate monitor and Google's Nexus Q.
Highlights From the Premiere of Syfy's Dominion
The archangel Michael broods as a pile of oiled up women sleep behind him in elaborate poses. Michael is looking out over Vega, which is like Las Vegas but (I'm assuming) strictly for fans of Tom's Diner and Luka.
Predicting the World Cup With Zelda: A Link to the Past
Every year a bunch of sites load up the latest Madden game, turn on the AI for both teams, and use the outcome to predict the winner of the Super Bowl. People eat it up. I thought I'd do something similar to take advantage of the World Cup's popularity, but there's a problem.
Playable Female Characters Are Too Much Work for Big Budget Games
Half the people who play video games are female. Maybe ten percent of all games feature women as playable characters. That figure could go as high as eleven percent if the protracted lawsuit to canonize my Tetris fan fiction pans out.
Sponsored Links From Around the Web (Part 2)
Visit all these related stories. They aren't ads, they're suggested reading links that generate revenue.
Analysis: The Heat Was Too Much for the Heat
After studying the film closely I have determined that the Miami Heat weren't able to stand the heat. They certainly got out of the kitchen, like it was too dang hot for them.
