Let's Get Way More Specific With Our Lists of the Top Rich People
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
Was the Narration in Blade Runner Really That Bad?
"Hi there, folks. Rick Deckard here. I am a Blade Runner. You know, sometimes I get to thinking and I wonder if maybe I myself am an android. Weird, right? Wouldn't that be something?"
Thief: A Guard's Patrol Log
It's my first night as a guard here at Plot Point Manor, but I can already tell this is going to be a sweet gig.
In Defense of "In Defense of" Articles
You launch yourself at the archive of "In Defense of" articles and I expertly step into your path. My hands are behind my back, my very powerful body assuming a non-threatening posture.
A Few Important Words From Spring Cleaning Bear
(Knocks over a can of garbage. Snuffles through the scattered debris. Gingerly licks crumbs and sticky patches of blueberry from a muffin wrapper while panting greedily, the heavy breaths flapping wavy ripples along her lips. Turns to the camera.)
Making the Perfect Cup of Coffee
The perfect cup of coffee is nearly as elusive as a good metaphor. Some people have spent their whole lives in the pursuit of perfect coffee and died without having known its taste upon their lips. That sounded like a bad idea, so I decided to try for around a month and succeed instead.
Play Blinky Fish, EA's Flappy Bird Successor
Flappy Bird may be gone, but Blinky Fish promises to offer just as much quality and depth of gameplay.
Sonic's Scarf Changes Everything
The scarf represents rugged charm. Sonic with a scarf can open a treasure. He can tumble down a hill. He can look at a map. He can point at a goat or practically any object.
Peculiar Panels: The Senses-Shattering Second Issue (Part 2)
What is WHRRRRR? What does it have to do with TOOT, if anything? Plus: Someone WILL die in this issue!
Signs That There's Probably No More Misogyny In The Games Industry
Lara Croft's breasts aren't mega enormous any more. No big boobs, no misogyny. They are the canaries of the industry's coal mine.
The New RoboCop's 30 Prime Directives
The original RoboCop was programmed to abide by four prime directives. That was in 1987's near future. Our near future is far more complicated thanks to advancements such as computers and rap music. As a result the new RoboCop needs no less than thirty prime directives to be an effective robot cop.
Peculiar Panels (Part 1)
The goons in Batman's Shameful Secret have been posting funny comic book panels for years. In this new sporadically updated series we'll spotlight their most outlandish and puzzling contributions.
Shadow of Mordor and the Orc That Got Away
The lead designer of Red Dead Redemption. A combat system that's reminiscent of the Batman Arkham games, but with rune-covered swords and orcs drenched in lumpy spitoon juice.
Adventurer, That Sword Is None Other Than The Legendary Badsmiter
Its blade was formed from the purest Elven moonsilver, for that was known by all to be the lightest and most durable of all the metals in the realm, and because ingots were on sale in a buy two get one free special.
Next Season On Top Chef
When you simply do your job, the level of artistry on display is so impressive that our audience would like nothing more than to watch you prepare a single, thoughtful dish. For your first challenge you will be cooking a vat of sloppy joes for a buffet line of three hundred people.
I Have Embraced My Hideous Body, And You Should Too
My thick leg hair was once a source of tremendous shame. Now look at all of these trophies.
2013 Predictions We'd Like To Take Back
Mark my words. The PlayStation 4 will be the world's first console shaped like a saxophone.
Using Common Sense To Stay Cyber Secure
You don't need a Guy Fawkes mask and a fedora to keep your computer information secure. Just one of these objects of power should be more than capable of generating a field of sufficient strength to protect an average user. Two is overkill.
Leaked Details Reveal Everything There Is To Know About The Elder Scrolls Online
The whole reason for this game and all the conflict within it? There's an evil. Someone should probably stop the evil. I filed a suggestion that it should be the players who get to stop the evil. That seems like a fun thing to do.
There's Probably No Escape From Savage Bloodprison Island
That sucker is high grade chain link. Newest tech on the market. You ever tried to scale a chain link fence? It's impossible. The holes are nowhere near big enough for your feet to find purchase.
I Love That Movie! ME
Oh man, did I just hear you guys talking about Forest Gump? That is so great! It's probably my favorite movie of all time. I know everything about it. The best part is when he finally escapes after being stranded in the forest for all those years. What a powerful film.
How The Olive Garden Hopes To Outdo Amazon's Drones
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Please Enjoy The First Two Minutes Of A Triple-A Game
Look out, world. Also, hello world. I have single-handedly created the opening minutes of a AAA video game. Imagine what I could accomplish with just a few million dollars.
Let Me Tell You Exactly How Big The Universe Is
The universe is vast. It's so darn big that you can't even see the entire thing at once unless you take a few steps back and stand on a chair.
Sponsored Links
One neat trick that you won't believe. These hottest celebs are married to soccer players and they aren't wearing makeup. This is an incredible article.
Patch Notes: New Console Edition, System Reviews Are The Worst
The latest consoles aren't content with simply resembling PCs. They want to outdo them - by having way more patches.
BUYER BEWARE! The Ogco Face Mulcher Is A Surprisingly Dangerous Product
This thing's package is a cardboard box with edges that are VERY SHARP. It only took three minutes of vigorous rubbing before a wound appeared on my neck.
Obtaining A PlayStation 4 Without A Pre-Order
If you haven't already pre-ordered a PS4, you're probably out of luck. You are going to miss everything. Everyone else will have all the fun and there won't be any left by the time you get the system next year. You might as well hang yourself.
Objections From The Prosecution In The Trial Of Murderman
Your honor, I respectfully disagree with you presiding over this case. Let the record show that you are in fact Spring Break Dog, and that after digging up the real judge's award-winning flower bed you have been creatively sentenced to do his job for an entire month.
Eldritch
In the interest of transparency, I am biased in favor of Eldritch. It's true. I'm super corrupt. The game flat out bribed me.
Build Your Own Standing Desk
Sitting at your computer for hours on end is unhealthy. It promotes bad posture, shifts all of your guts down into your belly button, and lowers your lifespan by an average of four to eighteen years.
A Whose Whom Of Doctor Who's
Within the fiction of the show, Doctor Who is an immortal "Time Wizard". He takes a nap when one actor departs and he wakes up with a new face as well as a slightly different personality. This process reminds me of my childhood dog, only it happens every few years rather than every six months.
Primo Bird Pranks
Find a bird. When it takes off, lower a banana peel directly into its flight path.
ROMs And Abandonware: Know The Law!
It's legal to download a ROM and play it as much as you want, provided you delete it after 48 hours. If you have a valid doctor's note, however, you can keep the ROM on your hard drive for up to 72 hours.
What's New In Windows 8.1
Here's a fun Easter Egg: By default, the icon for every native Windows 8 application now depicts a YouTube personality making a very wacky face, often at an odd angle. To access this Easter Egg, look at an icon and see it.
Think You Know The Plot Of The Net 2.0? Prove It!
Hope Cassidy is a young computer hacker who prove her worth when she order a pizza using the internet. Ali Abay informs her by telegram that she has the job. While she is on the plane she suddenly meets a sky marshal who give her a champagne and a earring and we can see her computer screen while she is distracted says "YOU BEEN HACKED".
How Could The PlayStation 4 Fail?
When the PlayStation 3 launched, Sony was kind of a dick. Intoxicated by the fart vapors of their own success, they exuded arrogance and dismissiveness. "We are the best and this is our next console", the company's executives seemed to say while smoking behind a 7-11 and pushing little kids to the ground.
Please Return To Enemy Pasture Online!
You stopped playing Enemy Pasture Online when the amazing features that lured you in gave way to the repetition and deliberate time wasting that plague all MMOs. Things have changed! Now everyone has a holo-firework kit and can do a /twerk dance.
New TV Show Roundup For Fall 2013
Do you wish there were more network shows about adults interacting with their wacky parents? Are your favorite Seth McFarlane jokes the ones that are so lazy and blatantly sexist/homophobic/racist that they couldn't POSSIBLY be sexist, homophobic, or racist? Please eat an entire set of silverware then crawl into a trash compactor.
Frank Opinion's Hardest-Hitting Editorials
Frank Opinion is an internationally syndicated columnist covering hot-button issues. His controversial editorial style holds nothing back. Opinion's views do not represent those of Something Awful or its parent company, FedoraSingles.com.
Valve's SteamOS, Grand Theft Auto V
SteamOS will be free, but it will be adopted at a far greater rate when it goes on a daily sale for 75% off.
A Review Of The Grand Theft Auto V Press Review Kit
If IGN and Gamespot are The New York Times and The Guardian of video game coverage, Something Awful is a scabby stray dog that will happily eat any newspaper it comes across. We make jokes and our game reviews don't have an impact on the highly scientific numbers at Metacritic so we technically don't even exist.
True Tales Of Apple Store Bullying
"This is our company policy," he explained with a sinister laugh. "We never fix anything or help anyone. Standard procedure is to humiliate people and break their things until they leave us alone. I am stomping on your laptop."
Stretch Goals For Star Citizen
A modern space combat sim from the creator of Wing Commander couldn't be more popular if it featured zombies and randomly generated blocks covered in horrible pixel textures.
The Horrors Of Total War: Rome II
I am a veteran of the Total Wars. In my time as a commander in Napoleonic France and feudal Japan I have seen men and empires and tree models alike wink out of existence. For all the cruel acts I have observed and contributed to, nothing compares to the horrors I have encountered in Rome.
Sherlock Holmes And The Case Of The Murdered Man
Originally published in the May 1893 issue of Cricket And Ornamental Tobacco Pipes Monthly, The Case Of The Murdered Man is easily the most terrible Sherlock Holmes story ever written.
What Is A Video Game?
A video game is a reminder that you should be careful while staring into the abyss, lest you become a monster yourself.
A World Without Cronuts
On the horizon, a great and hungry fire sweeps across a hillside. The blaze has consumed everything in its path for weeks. Firefighters can only evacuate potential victims or watch helplessly, as they have no cronuts with which to smother the flames.
Ben Affleck As Daredevil Will Be A Terrible Batman
Anyone who has seen Daredevil knows that getting Ben Affleck to play Batman while in character as Daredevil is a huge mistake. We've been waiting so long for a proper Batman/Superman movie, and now it's doomed.
Welcome To The Takedown Area
Hey, Elon Musk! Your name sounds like a ghostbuster. Your ghostbuster super power would be coming up with bad ideas and being a billionaire.
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