There is no challenge in imagining how Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 could have been better, so we try to figure out how it could have possibly been worse.
Below you will find actual posts from video game message boards. Can you figure out which games they're talking about? Take a guess then hover your mouse over each post to see the correct answer. If you can't hover a mouse cursor over each post because you''re on a tablet or phone, eat a rotten butt.
I have never touched an Amiibo. The phrase "Toys To Life" only makes sense to me as a plot summary of Weird Science coming from someone with a severely limited vocabulary. Somehow I've completely missed out on this enormous trend of collecting figures to plop down and control in my video games.
You thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Bringing your porcelain pig to an Antiques Roadshow taping fifteen years ago. Peddling your deceit to the hosts and camera crew. You were good. But I'm better.
Buyer beware! If you're thinking about picking up the new Mad Max game to relive the experience of the motion picture Babe: Pig In The City, think twice. I was flabbergasted to discover that the video game and movie have practically nothing in common.
Back in the 1980s Bill Gates definitely said "No computer will ever need more than 640k of memory, which isn't a lot of memory at all but there you go". This statement has haunted Gates ever since.
He has unlocked the secrets of the universe and seen beyond the mortal plane, yet Doctor Strange can't believe how easy it is to eat an olive.
With so many stats, skills, and class combinations at your disposal it can be difficult to narrow things down. Why not go with one of these characters I've planned out for you?
Fear the Walking Dead features an entirely new cast of characters. These guys are corpses, but they move around and moan. It's ridiculous. Their flesh is all discolored and gross. They shamble towards living people and bite them. Who the heck thought of this nonsense?
A recent article laid out a disturbing pattern of employee cruelty and abuse at Amazon. For some reason my unequivocal denial, "That sure doesn't sound like the company I know... ha... ha..." wasn't clear enough. Well, today I'd like to correct that by addressing every specific charge in the article.
That's a lot of people. To give you a better idea of what that number means, 5.6 million people is at least 5.5 million more people than I will kiss in my lifetime. If you had 5.6 million boxes it would take forever to move into a new place.
When I try to clear the ball, run into me at a thousand miles per hour, sending me flying halfway across the map. If the ball is coming down in front of the opposing goal and I'm in position to tap it in, run into me at a thousand miles per hour. Never stop slamming into me at a thousand miles per hour, unless you can slam into me even faster.
Step One: Salvage a ridiculous chair from a race car or a fighter jet. Now it will support your ridiculous body as you play a virtual card game.
The first dimension is paper, laid flat. No folds or creases. The second dimension is a stick figure drawn on the first dimension. The third dimension is everything that can be observed in our universe with a 3D tv. The fourth dimension is purely theoretical and located somewhere in either the space-time continuum or Canada.
A body lies in a warehouse storing skeletons, devil masks, broken dolls, Satanic pentagram stencils, inexpertly stuffed dead animals, out of tune music boxes, and flickering light bulbs. The corpse has been mangled, its intestines pulled out to spell "Spooky Force" on the ground.
In Deus Ex some people get implants to jump higher, punch through walls, or crawl through air ducts with superhuman finesse, while others use their augs to mindlessly walk back and forth along a set path in downtown Future Detroit without deviating or getting tired.
Geralt breaks his ankles when he steps down from a height of more than three inches. If he were to hop over a waist-high fence his body would reach terminal velocity, exploding into paste and white stubble when it came into contact with the soft grass on the other side.
Now, inexplicably, season three is looming over us like some sort of dome. Season one's plot asked whether or not the town could get out from under the dome. Apparently the answer was "no". Season two asked "I guess we're really stuck, huh?" and the answer was "yup".
There's a Brainiac. He's not THE Brainiac. However, he's one aspect of Brainiac. Or maybe there's supposed to be a different Brainiac in every universe and they're all cosmically connected, presumably via their brains. Either way, I think this particular Brainiac is the boss Brainiac.
If you die, navigate to a save file and choose to load it. Voila! Now you're back in the game. This is known as Witcher magic, an innovative feature unique to the series.
Activision and developer Robomodo (creators of the critically acknowledged Tony Hawk Ride and Tony Hawk Shred as well as the technically functional Tony Hawk HD) are proud to announce Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 for the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One.
As the release of No Man's Sky inches closer, we still don't know much about what it actually is or how the player will interact with any of it. If these newly-leaked button layouts for the Playstation 4 version are any indication, the game might just be everything you wished for after all.
Want to take part in our much-publicized trade in program to swap an old tablet or video game for in-store credit? Great! We just need your license, home phone number, email address, work number, and your fingerprints. We might even take a mugshot of you.
When I begin a new RPG I like to take my sweet time absorbing the details. Every stat description is carefully read. "Ah, yes," I declare as I thoughtfully rub my chin, "it seems that having more Dexterity will allow me to swing an axe faster."
You ask how his day went and he responds, "Fine." Or, you ask what he's up to and he says, "Nothing."
Brock Lesnar was a successful UFC fighter, but a serious illness ate half his guts so he decided to retire from mixed martial arts and take things easy by slamming 300 pound men through tables. When he gets pumped up he does this victory/rage roar that sounds like a little baby bird bumping its knee on a tiny coffee table.
Emma Stone was the most paranoid person I had ever met. In private she wore a full suit of medieval armor at all times, visor down.
Combat is relatively straightforward. You target an enemy. You wait for your men to get a targeting solution. You tell them to fire. You slam the boat into reverse and repeat your curse word of choice, realizing you've just shot a living iceberg that is going to eat you.
To start the windshield wipers I bet you have to put two fingers against the glass and swipe. This is a reference to touchscreens.
How will the sixteen hours of motion captured sex present themselves in The Witcher 3? Why did it take Eurogamer so long to see the light and ditch their scoring method and swipe our One Sentence Reviews?
A familiar silhouette steps into the outline of a too-large moon. In his trademark raspy growl, Link mutters "Sometimes I don't even know what I'm fighting for."
Most people take a hands-on approach to their lives. I prefer to observe mine from a respectful distance. From this vantage point I've noticed some worrying behavior. This might shatter the mental image that you've built up, but I'm beginning to think I might be a big dumb idiot.
A new game has mixed or only slightly positive reviews, and as an idiot you feel personally invested in its success. You decide to convince other people on the internet to buy this game. Here's how you go about doing that.