Dough-Headed Man Is Not Pleased With The Following Gyms
Don't expect me to bust out a story about a positive gym experience. My sole purpose is to tell you which hellish gyms to stay away from. My head is a lump of dough. It is comprised of water, yeast, and flour.
Celebrating 25 Years Of Everyone's Favorite Character: Crowd Guy
In every game with a crowd, there is a crowd. In every crowd, there is a guy. This is that guy.
This Update Is Exclusively for Cool People
This is where the excerpt from an article usually goes. Since the content of this update is only intended for cool people, I refuse to place a single word in the path of blundering normal people.
Slammin' Facts From the WWE
Of all the many sports with extended musical entrances involving pyrotechnics and enormous screens, professional wrestling is easily the most educational. Each installment of WWE's Monday Night Raw features informative factoid graphics which pop up during the action to expand the audience's horizons.
Divinity: Original Sin Reviewed
Divinity: Original Sin offers a different kind of freedom. The freedom to be a thieving, environment-altering dumbass.
Essential Advice From a Legendary Home Chef
There were no good pizzas nearby. After developing my own home made dough and sauce through trial and error for several months, there continued to be no good pizzas.
WootBoom's Refurbished Item Grading System
"A" Condition clothing: All bets are off smell-wise. Areas that normally bend, such as the spots around your knees or elbows, will be rigid.
Thrilling Scenes From Batman V Superman
Superman stands in the rain, scowling as he studies a chart with every color in the universe, from grey to blue grey to black.
Old Game Magazine Ads Are Weirder Than You Remember
You might remember extreme attitudes, clumsy sexual subtext, and splatter fonts. There was a lot more going on in game magazine ads, though, and it was all dumb.
Adobe's Electronic Ruler is Just the Beginning
If you don't get the appeal of the Slide, that's because Adobe has engineered this product for the future. Specifically, for six months from now, when you open a drawer and come across this physical manifestation of buyer's remorse alongside a cell phone heart rate monitor and Google's Nexus Q.
Highlights From the Premiere of Syfy's Dominion
The archangel Michael broods as a pile of oiled up women sleep behind him in elaborate poses. Michael is looking out over Vega, which is like Las Vegas but (I'm assuming) strictly for fans of Tom's Diner and Luka.
Predicting the World Cup With Zelda: A Link to the Past
Every year a bunch of sites load up the latest Madden game, turn on the AI for both teams, and use the outcome to predict the winner of the Super Bowl. People eat it up. I thought I'd do something similar to take advantage of the World Cup's popularity, but there's a problem.
Playable Female Characters Are Too Much Work for Big Budget Games
Half the people who play video games are female. Maybe ten percent of all games feature women as playable characters. That figure could go as high as eleven percent if the protracted lawsuit to canonize my Tetris fan fiction pans out.
Sponsored Links From Around the Web (Part 2)
Visit all these related stories. They aren't ads, they're suggested reading links that generate revenue.
Analysis: The Heat Was Too Much for the Heat
After studying the film closely I have determined that the Miami Heat weren't able to stand the heat. They certainly got out of the kitchen, like it was too dang hot for them.
Questions That Must Be Answered at E3
I will not be attending this year's E3, as I have never been to the event and refuse to go as anything less than a guest of honor. It is my hope that others will ask the following pressing questions in my stead.
Your Inalienable Rights, As They Pertain to Scarecrows
Congress shall make no law respecting the 3D printing of a complete skeletal system, nor shall it prohibit the amateur surgery you will conduct to implant said skeletal system into a scarecrow.
My Review of Watch Dogs
Point your cell phone at a person to see their profile and a little portrait. No matter what their age may be, everyone has the face of a beautiful middle-aged Oblivion orc.
Valid Reasons For Not Buying Transistor
You slid into baseball bases headfirst too many times, and now the doctors say you'll die if you see good art or hear good music.
Coming To Terms With Watch Dogs Special Edition Bonuses
I can't believe we have to explain this. There are only eleven distinct versions of Watch Dogs (not counting the game's release on different platforms) with 23 physical and digital bonus items that you can get for buying specific editions of the game in certain places, contingent upon your purchase of the additional Season Pass.
Are You a Power User?
Most of us think we're pretty good with computers. But how much do we really know? To be considered a power user, at least half of these statements should apply to you.
Oculus Wants to Make a Billion-Player MMO and Two More Wishes
The budget for Destiny has reached $500 million, prompting Bobby Kotick to remark "the stakes for us are getting bigger" as if this is simply a strange and unexpected thing that an outside force flung into the company's lap.
If You Thought Twitter's Arbitrary Changes Have Been Amazing, Wait Until You See What's Coming Next
It's important for websites to improve when necessary. At Twitter we feel it's even more important to fiddle with things for no good reason.
Signs That the Xbox One Might Be Underpowered
While watching tv through the Xbox One, playback stutters during Dire Straits' "Money For Nothing" video.
Realistic Expectations For This Year's Biggest Games
Mad with power after firing longtime composer Marty O'Donnell, Bungie becomes self-aware and terminates all employees, sarcastically wishing them luck in their future endeavors. Destiny isn't even a disc, but a pink slip.
Minor Inaccuracies in the Animated Historical Segments of Cosmos
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
Peculiar Panels: The Gritty Reboot (Part 3)
Prepare yourself for quite possibly the most effective use of "BOWL" as a sound effect.
The Art Of War By Sun Tzu Is Garbage
Commonly referenced in pop culture and embraced by business idiots with delusions of leading interesting lives, The Art Of War is an ancient rumination on strategy. Everyone seems to take it for granted that it's a brilliant book. Has anyone actually read it, though?
The MMO Currency Comparison Chart
How much copper is in an intergalactic credit, and can you buy a gil with a Cash Shop gem or glory?
Marvel's Fourteen Year Movie Roadmap
Do you like movies that feature Marvel characters? I hope you like them. A lot. As in, "I could watch several every year until at least 2028," because a new Businessweek article reveals that Marvel has indeed mapped out their movie plans for the next fourteen years.
Hidden Dangers: Items In Your House That Could Hurt You
We fear the shooting, the terrorist attack, the car accident, the Google Glass wearer. Yet most of us will never suffer injuries from these looming threats. Our greatest risk comes at home, from the unassuming objects we interact with every day without thinking twice.
Diablo III's New Class Is Pretty Weird
Reaper of Souls introduces a new class, the Crusader. While this shield-carrying holy warrior may seem like a reworking of the Diablo II Paladin, a closer look at the Crusader's skills reveals a rather unconventional character.
Now Sony Has An Oculus Named Morpheus
First gen virtual reality: A circular platform surrounded by a waist-high rail prevented you from walking off into an open furnace. A thirty pound helmet was affixed to your head with straps made entirely of nerd sweat and dandruff.
Consider the Lost-Alikes
Somehow ten years have passed since the premiere of Lost. While I liked the show quite a bit and even participated in some truly shameful mythos speculation, I'm not going to pretend that it was the greatest television series ever made.
What You Should Be Watching on the WWE Network
Now that the WWE Network has launched, every pay per view show from the company's history is available to stream. That's great. It's also overwhelming. What's the difference between all these events? Which ones are worth your time?
Patch Notes: Dark Souls II
Added a small cloud to hover over the player's head. It never stops raining.
Let's Get Way More Specific With Our Lists of the Top Rich People
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
Was the Narration in Blade Runner Really That Bad?
"Hi there, folks. Rick Deckard here. I am a Blade Runner. You know, sometimes I get to thinking and I wonder if maybe I myself am an android. Weird, right? Wouldn't that be something?"
Thief: A Guard's Patrol Log
It's my first night as a guard here at Plot Point Manor, but I can already tell this is going to be a sweet gig.
In Defense of "In Defense of" Articles
You launch yourself at the archive of "In Defense of" articles and I expertly step into your path. My hands are behind my back, my very powerful body assuming a non-threatening posture.
A Few Important Words From Spring Cleaning Bear
(Knocks over a can of garbage. Snuffles through the scattered debris. Gingerly licks crumbs and sticky patches of blueberry from a muffin wrapper while panting greedily, the heavy breaths flapping wavy ripples along her lips. Turns to the camera.)
Making the Perfect Cup of Coffee
The perfect cup of coffee is nearly as elusive as a good metaphor. Some people have spent their whole lives in the pursuit of perfect coffee and died without having known its taste upon their lips. That sounded like a bad idea, so I decided to try for around a month and succeed instead.
Play Blinky Fish, EA's Flappy Bird Successor
Flappy Bird may be gone, but Blinky Fish promises to offer just as much quality and depth of gameplay.
Sonic's Scarf Changes Everything
The scarf represents rugged charm. Sonic with a scarf can open a treasure. He can tumble down a hill. He can look at a map. He can point at a goat or practically any object.
Peculiar Panels: The Senses-Shattering Second Issue (Part 2)
What is WHRRRRR? What does it have to do with TOOT, if anything? Plus: Someone WILL die in this issue!
Signs That There's Probably No More Misogyny In The Games Industry
Lara Croft's breasts aren't mega enormous any more. No big boobs, no misogyny. They are the canaries of the industry's coal mine.
The New RoboCop's 30 Prime Directives
The original RoboCop was programmed to abide by four prime directives. That was in 1987's near future. Our near future is far more complicated thanks to advancements such as computers and rap music. As a result the new RoboCop needs no less than thirty prime directives to be an effective robot cop.
Peculiar Panels (Part 1)
The goons in Batman's Shameful Secret have been posting funny comic book panels for years. In this new sporadically updated series we'll spotlight their most outlandish and puzzling contributions.
Shadow of Mordor and the Orc That Got Away
The lead designer of Red Dead Redemption. A combat system that's reminiscent of the Batman Arkham games, but with rune-covered swords and orcs drenched in lumpy spitoon juice.
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