(In a business suit, with slicked back hair, speaking into a gold-plated pager) Buy!
Black Desert Online is a Korean MMO with a cash shop for pretty virtual outfits. Chess is the world's most popular strategy game, played with a physical board and pieces. But the similarities end there.
The game's not quite what I imagined. Instead of scouring a dungeon by torchlight, you briskly jog through it, your party members politely nodding as they power walk in the opposite direction.
As always, the bosses in the latest Dark Souls are noble, tragic, and feature glowing double damage weak points.
What if you had a chance to interview some of gaming's most prominent figures, but could only ask each of them one question? You'd make that question a good question? Oh. Huh. Sort of wish I'd thought of that.
Look, frightened villagers, I'd really love to save you from these rampaging bandits. The thing is, I want to take my time and see if I can't find a magic crossbow or a gloriously armored standard bearer in your cupboard.
Firewatch has exploration and all sorts of items to interact with, but it's not an open world or survival game. Traversal and Metroid-like map progression are prominent, but you're a chubby guy pushing 40 who grunts while stepping over a log.
Give the wood plank to the ogre twin on the left. He will comment, "I cannot do anything with that item". Repeat this process. On the thirtieth attempt, he will cast a magic spell on the plank, turning it into the red keycard.
Could the "Star Marine" module of "Star Citizen" possibly be canceled?
Just a little pregnant ghost for ya
Presenting the game of the year, according to me. But what if you, the person reading this, are one of those people who aren't me? As it happens, I prepared for such an unlikely scenario.
Fixed a major balance issue. On some maps, both the Rebels and Empire had an equal chance of winning.
You're vaguely aware that some people have fun moving bits of cardboard and plastic around on a table. It sounds interesting, but, like all real world activities, it also sounds frightening.
For some reason nerds have been arguing about the Zelda timeline for something like a decade now, if not longer. I always thought the sequence of these games was incredibly obvious. To make sure I wasn't overlooking something obvious I contacted Nintendo, and they passed along this official informative graphic.
The Nintendo NX will play ALL video games released for the NX. This is exclusive information that we have independently verified with several sources close to the project.
There is no challenge in imagining how Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 could have been better, so we try to figure out how it could have possibly been worse.
I have never touched an Amiibo. The phrase "Toys To Life" only makes sense to me as a plot summary of Weird Science coming from someone with a severely limited vocabulary. Somehow I've completely missed out on this enormous trend of collecting figures to plop down and control in my video games.
Buyer beware! If you're thinking about picking up the new Mad Max game to relive the experience of the motion picture Babe: Pig In The City, think twice. I was flabbergasted to discover that the video game and movie have practically nothing in common.
With so many stats, skills, and class combinations at your disposal it can be difficult to narrow things down. Why not go with one of these characters I've planned out for you?
That's a lot of people. To give you a better idea of what that number means, 5.6 million people is at least 5.5 million more people than I will kiss in my lifetime. If you had 5.6 million boxes it would take forever to move into a new place.
The key to success is knowing what all your buttons do. Hit the good ones to win!
The PC port of Arkham Knight is plagued by so many problems that it has actually been pulled from Steam, a storefront that as of 2015 almost exclusively exists to sell unfinished games.
The Xbox One now has its own version of Early Access! Wow! Developers like DayZ's Dean Hall are very excited about the prospect of taking your money, then moving on to a second game before finishing the first.
"Hello. I am a central character. Let me tell you about myself: I am doing fine. Well, that's all. Farewell."
If you die, navigate to a save file and choose to load it. Voila! Now you're back in the game. This is known as Witcher magic, an innovative feature unique to the series.
Activision and developer Robomodo (creators of the critically acknowledged Tony Hawk Ride and Tony Hawk Shred as well as the technically functional Tony Hawk HD) are proud to announce Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5 for the PlayStation 4 and Xbox One.
As the release of No Man's Sky inches closer, we still don't know much about what it actually is or how the player will interact with any of it. If these newly-leaked button layouts for the Playstation 4 version are any indication, the game might just be everything you wished for after all.
When I begin a new RPG I like to take my sweet time absorbing the details. Every stat description is carefully read. "Ah, yes," I declare as I thoughtfully rub my chin, "it seems that having more Dexterity will allow me to swing an axe faster."
This year's greatest achievement in groundbreaking RPG design and creative, absorbing storytelling is here! Unfortunately, the embargo on Pillars of Eternity coverage won't be lifted until Thursday.
There are now more companies making virtual reality kits than there are reasons to use virtual reality. It's time to narrow the field down and find the right kit for you.
Combat is relatively straightforward. You target an enemy. You wait for your men to get a targeting solution. You tell them to fire. You slam the boat into reverse and repeat your curse word of choice, realizing you've just shot a living iceberg that is going to eat you.
How will the sixteen hours of motion captured sex present themselves in The Witcher 3? Why did it take Eurogamer so long to see the light and ditch their scoring method and swipe our One Sentence Reviews?
A new game has mixed or only slightly positive reviews, and as an idiot you feel personally invested in its success. You decide to convince other people on the internet to buy this game. Here's how you go about doing that.
Want to be the best Dota 2 player in your cult's compound? You need to be able to identify every skill with a quick glance. Here's your visual guide.
The game feature multiple twisted, sadistic shooting spree locations including: a hospital, a helpless baby and puppy storage facility, and ice world.
Technically a collection of four Halo games and their multiplayer components, The Master Chief Collection is in fact a menu that presents several buttons and submenus, each containing a fabulous array of errors and lock-ups.
Gaming laptops cost thirty times as much as similarly performing desktops. You can't upgrade them because their cases are locked and only Prickly Pete has the key. They tend to be less portable than regular laptops, weighing anywhere between fifteen and eighty pounds. Buying a gaming laptop is a terrific idea.
Say "no" when someone at one of your fancy game journalism parties crushes a rare NES cart into fine powder and offers you a rail to snort.
The titular Metal Gear is introduced, a giant walking tank capable of eating far more ice cream than any single man.
When one man falls down there appears to be an explosion and then he comes back invisible for a few seconds. Presumably this is going to receive a hard R rating from the ESRB.
Creating a party in Wasteland 2 can be daunting. I dispense with the usual nonsense to offer some of the limited knowledge I picked up while playing the game for review.
How restrained is Destiny? If you look at the game packaging closely, you'll realize the letters in the title only spell out Destin
You should be more careful with your console. I should be more careful about approaching cybermen. We should all be happy that there are finally new games on the way.
We can only take so many shooters, survival games, and Dota clones. It's time for the rise of Skeleton Warrior Speed Dating.
In every game with a crowd, there is a crowd. In every crowd, there is a guy. This is that guy.
Divinity: Original Sin offers a different kind of freedom. The freedom to be a thieving, environment-altering dumbass.
You might remember extreme attitudes, clumsy sexual subtext, and splatter fonts. There was a lot more going on in game magazine ads, though, and it was all dumb.
Every year a bunch of sites load up the latest Madden game, turn on the AI for both teams, and use the outcome to predict the winner of the Super Bowl. People eat it up. I thought I'd do something similar to take advantage of the World Cup's popularity, but there's a problem.