Combat is relatively straightforward. You target an enemy. You wait for your men to get a targeting solution. You tell them to fire. You slam the boat into reverse and repeat your curse word of choice, realizing you've just shot a living iceberg that is going to eat you.
How will the sixteen hours of motion captured sex present themselves in The Witcher 3? Why did it take Eurogamer so long to see the light and ditch their scoring method and swipe our One Sentence Reviews?
A new game has mixed or only slightly positive reviews, and as an idiot you feel personally invested in its success. You decide to convince other people on the internet to buy this game. Here's how you go about doing that.
Want to be the best Dota 2 player in your cult's compound? You need to be able to identify every skill with a quick glance. Here's your visual guide.
The game feature multiple twisted, sadistic shooting spree locations including: a hospital, a helpless baby and puppy storage facility, and ice world.
Technically a collection of four Halo games and their multiplayer components, The Master Chief Collection is in fact a menu that presents several buttons and submenus, each containing a fabulous array of errors and lock-ups.
Gaming laptops cost thirty times as much as similarly performing desktops. You can't upgrade them because their cases are locked and only Prickly Pete has the key. They tend to be less portable than regular laptops, weighing anywhere between fifteen and eighty pounds. Buying a gaming laptop is a terrific idea.
Say "no" when someone at one of your fancy game journalism parties crushes a rare NES cart into fine powder and offers you a rail to snort.
The titular Metal Gear is introduced, a giant walking tank capable of eating far more ice cream than any single man.
When one man falls down there appears to be an explosion and then he comes back invisible for a few seconds. Presumably this is going to receive a hard R rating from the ESRB.
Creating a party in Wasteland 2 can be daunting. I dispense with the usual nonsense to offer some of the limited knowledge I picked up while playing the game for review.
How restrained is Destiny? If you look at the game packaging closely, you'll realize the letters in the title only spell out Destin
You should be more careful with your console. I should be more careful about approaching cybermen. We should all be happy that there are finally new games on the way.
We can only take so many shooters, survival games, and Dota clones. It's time for the rise of Skeleton Warrior Speed Dating.
In every game with a crowd, there is a crowd. In every crowd, there is a guy. This is that guy.
Divinity: Original Sin offers a different kind of freedom. The freedom to be a thieving, environment-altering dumbass.
You might remember extreme attitudes, clumsy sexual subtext, and splatter fonts. There was a lot more going on in game magazine ads, though, and it was all dumb.
Every year a bunch of sites load up the latest Madden game, turn on the AI for both teams, and use the outcome to predict the winner of the Super Bowl. People eat it up. I thought I'd do something similar to take advantage of the World Cup's popularity, but there's a problem.
I will not be attending this year's E3, as I have never been to the event and refuse to go as anything less than a guest of honor. It is my hope that others will ask the following pressing questions in my stead.
You slid into baseball bases headfirst too many times, and now the doctors say you'll die if you see good art or hear good music.
The budget for Destiny has reached $500 million, prompting Bobby Kotick to remark "the stakes for us are getting bigger" as if this is simply a strange and unexpected thing that an outside force flung into the company's lap.
Mad with power after firing longtime composer Marty O'Donnell, Bungie becomes self-aware and terminates all employees, sarcastically wishing them luck in their future endeavors. Destiny isn't even a disc, but a pink slip.
How much copper is in an intergalactic credit, and can you buy a gil with a Cash Shop gem or glory?
Reaper of Souls introduces a new class, the Crusader. While this shield-carrying holy warrior may seem like a reworking of the Diablo II Paladin, a closer look at the Crusader's skills reveals a rather unconventional character.
Added a small cloud to hover over the player's head. It never stops raining.
It's my first night as a guard here at Plot Point Manor, but I can already tell this is going to be a sweet gig.
Flappy Bird may be gone, but Blinky Fish promises to offer just as much quality and depth of gameplay.
Lara Croft's breasts aren't mega enormous any more. No big boobs, no misogyny. They are the canaries of the industry's coal mine.
The lead designer of Red Dead Redemption. A combat system that's reminiscent of the Batman Arkham games, but with rune-covered swords and orcs drenched in lumpy spitoon juice.
Mark my words. The PlayStation 4 will be the world's first console shaped like a saxophone.
The whole reason for this game and all the conflict within it? There's an evil. Someone should probably stop the evil. I filed a suggestion that it should be the players who get to stop the evil. That seems like a fun thing to do.
Look out, world. Also, hello world. I have single-handedly created the opening minutes of a AAA video game. Imagine what I could accomplish with just a few million dollars.
The latest consoles aren't content with simply resembling PCs. They want to outdo them - by having way more patches.
In the interest of transparency, I am biased in favor of Eldritch. It's true. I'm super corrupt. The game flat out bribed me.
It's legal to download a ROM and play it as much as you want, provided you delete it after 48 hours. If you have a valid doctor's note, however, you can keep the ROM on your hard drive for up to 72 hours.
When the PlayStation 3 launched, Sony was kind of a dick. Intoxicated by the fart vapors of their own success, they exuded arrogance and dismissiveness. "We are the best and this is our next console", the company's executives seemed to say while smoking behind a 7-11 and pushing little kids to the ground.
SteamOS will be free, but it will be adopted at a far greater rate when it goes on a daily sale for 75% off.
A modern space combat sim from the creator of Wing Commander couldn't be more popular if it featured zombies and randomly generated blocks covered in horrible pixel textures.
A video game is a reminder that you should be careful while staring into the abyss, lest you become a monster yourself.
With Gone Home and Divinity: Dragon Commander releasing within days of one another, how are consumers supposed to tell these remarkably similar games apart?
You don't have to read our Shadowrun Returns review with a headjack and high level security access to the matrix, but it can't hurt.
Will The Last Of Us ever be the same without a /dance command? Is The Raven the most pure and enjoyable adventure game of the last decade? You'll never know unless you read on. Or guess correctly.
The Walking Dead's zombies were remodeled as robots for the German release. All the humans? Turned into dogs, and their dialog was re-recorded as barking.
If you're a fan of elbowing people out of this growing medium through acts of selfishness, grossness, and gleeful aggression, this was an awesome month.
What are our plans for this year's E3? Why did anyone think the Deus Ex and Halo tablet games would be a good idea? Why is Gunpoint so refreshing? Why are all these sentences taking the form of questions?
The Wii U may be on the ropes, but Nintendo can take solace in the fact that it isn't the Xbox One.
World Of Warcraft only has 8.3 million subscribers, down from its peak of 12 million. Nine years after its release, it has ashamed everyone by only raking in most of the money in the world every month rather than all of it.
We now know that Microsoft will hold an event to officially announce the next Xbox on May 21st. Well, technically we don't know that for sure. They could be announcing the return of Microsoft Bob.
Defiance is a sci-fi third person RPG shooter with big insects and grubby clothes and ATVs that can be summoned at any time out of thin air, as God intended.
BioShock Infinite has a clear vision, and that vision is brought to life with a world that's an absolute pleasure to gawk at while munching on stolen cotton candy and shaking your head at racists.