Private Nurse

This is about as hot and heavy as the first 9/10ths of the game gets.

Game Plot: Private Nurse begins with an obtuse introduction revolving around what I think are molecules forming in some sort of void that transitions into a female voice saying "everything will be okay". Then the Japanese version of Celine Dion croons to Photoshop-filtered and green hued images of the background locations you will no doubt be visiting (and be absolutely fucking sick of) in mere minutes. I should mention that the intro is really long, really boring, and you can't skip it. About when the song gets to a John Tesh-like piano solo where, if you were a total faggot you would have your lighter out and held above your head, the graphics change to random nature scenes. By the time all of this wrapped up I already wanted to quit playing the game. After the intro did end I realized that the background music consisted of about five notes (seriously) of piano music being played repeatedly. Thankfully the music could be turned off. Maybe later the game had the best music ever created for a game but even as a dedicated reviewer of hentai games I found myself incapable of toughing out the piano metronome for the good of humanity.

The main character of the game is a sickly schoolboy named Hiroki who lives alone and has a tomboyish female friend named Ayano. Hiroki has some mysterious and life threatening illness that has the following effects on him:

Makes him look like a girl.
Makes him really socially awkward.
Makes him completely unsympathetic as a character.
Makes him exactly like 99% of all other hentai game characters only with a mysterious illness.
Seems to make him pass out or become weak when the plot demands it.

MY GOD I AM SPRAYING CUM EVERYWHERE.Luckily for Hiroki his mother has apparently purchased a purple-haired teenage slave named Maria to work as a nurse for him and live with him in a tiny apartment. There follows a brief period of weirdness where Hiroki and his tomboy female friend try to adjust to the slightly unorthodox concept of a live-in teenage nurse for a schoolboy. Once they're through that things continue to be uncomfortable as Hiroki proceeds to make the nurse cry by trying and failing to fire her and then concedes that she can stay for one week so he can "try her out".

The following morning Hiroki begins to understand Maria's ET-like healing touch that warms him whenever she lays a hand on him. From here the game proceeds at the breakneck pace of a snail race through hot tar. Day by day you measure out your existence in this incredibly tedious sickness simulator. Occasionally the action of dealing with a vague and pathetic illness is broken up by a picture of a tree and some really slowly appearing text about getting well. As someone who actually enjoys nurse porn, you know the kind with real women, I find this entire game an affront to the genre. Nurse porn is a pretty fucking difficult formula to fuck up, but it should never deal with someone actually being sick and certainly should never spend a lot of time concentrating on their illness.

That's more like it.Most nurse porn scenarios should consist of "guy has two broken arms and can't masturbate, needs a blowjob" or "guy is too weak to get up out of bed, doctor has prescribed a blowjob" or even the sassy "extremely voluptuous woman is in a coma, needs female equivalent of blowjob." An entertaining plot or gripping gameplay would be a great replacement for simple blowjob setups, but what this game lacks in entertainment it totally makes up for with lack of gameplay. This game replaces all of the simple setups for hardcore sex with idiotic metaphors for the healing power of nature, long winded self-pitying monologues, clichéd dialogues, supposedly heart-wrenching sequences, and the deep gameplay of standardized testing. The options menu spared me the torment of the looped piano soporific that they have passed off as background music.

Over the course of thirty arduous days Maria and Ms. Sasho (actually that isn't her name but the truth behind all that is so convoluted and dumb I don't even want to get into it) the school nurse care for Hiroki with a wide range of medical treatments that include walking in the park, sitting on benches, and giving him plants. These bleeding-edge medical treatments really help to turn around the deadly progression of Hiroki's vague illness. Maria particularly frequently makes reference to being in the sun and near nature as being the cure to what ails Hiroki, leading me to believe that he may in fact be suffering from rickets. The days tick by with amazingly little sexual activity. In fact it wasn't until day 24 or so in my game before the school nurse finally succumbed to Hiroki's leper charms and got busy with him. Keep in mind that this is almost four hours into the game, so if you're intending to play this game for any reason other than to possibly take a nap at your computer desk or make yourself want to do calculus story problems then stay clear.

In fact the run-in with the school nurse was the only time Hiroki had sex, although I'm sure the meager branching in the game provides for the opportunities to cripple-fuck both Maria and Ayano. I'm basing this information on the images on the back of the box, there's no way in fucking hell I am reliving four of the most boring hours of my life just to describe a different sex scene to you.

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH".Difficulty: This game is difficult in the same way finishing a game of Risk is difficult: the amount of interest never lasts to the end of the game. For Risk the time of interest is about two hours, give or take maybe half an hour, for Private Nurse I was grinding my teeth by the end of day three. Since it's my job to play through games like this I toughed it out, but even the most rabid hentai fanboy desperate to whack off to nurse porn should stay away from Private Nurse. For those of you looking to jerk off you could take a summer class on art and then draw a picture of an anime nurse having sex in a tenth of the time it would take to actually get to the part where you see it in the game. For those of you who play these games because you enjoy the gameplay, well, trust me, you need to stay the fuck away from this one too.

Defining Moment: It's hard to pick a defining moment in a game so dull that it borders on disorienting. I have one thing I haven't mentioned yet, an ace in my sleeve so to speak of how shitty this game is. Roughly an hour and half into the game Maria disappears and is replaced by two nurses that look vaguely (and I think intentionally) like mushrooms. One of them was silent and the other spoke in a shrill rapid-fire parody of the Micro Machine man. It was grating to the point that it nearly drove me to suicide, or at least nearly drove me to ejecting the CD and hurling it into the grill on our balcony which would of course magically light with the fires of justice and immolate this hamburger of shit. To make it even more of a defining moment the character reappeared and went through their painful shtick at least twice more in the course of this tediously epic saga.

Final Thoughts: This game has so little going for it that it almost pains me to say anything positive. There was no rape nor was there any incest or even really underage sex. Basically there was so little sex I'm not even sure I understand why it was included. The game is monotonous beyond belief. If the idea of simulating recovering from a vague illness by repeatedly drinking juice and then passing out while walking up stairs sounds fun then this game comes highly recommended. Similarly, if you are a masochist whose greatest suffering is found when bored then this game will be the perfect realization of your boredom fetish.