Woman Announcer Insult Relay! III

Our very focused hostess.I could come up with a title for a movie like "Woman Announcer Insult Relay! III" by running real film titles repeatedly through Babelfish translation, but that would never make the title accurate. This juggernaut of hilarious foreign titling and presumably the third in a relatively successful series is a female newscaster-themed porno that revolves around sexually humiliating the women who make the headlines. I can empathize with the film's general theme of "sex + female newscaster", but I have a few issues with the execution. There is certainly no shortage of gorgeous newscasters here in the United States and who among us hasn't at least once entertained fantasies of bending Kira Phillips or Soledad O'brien over the anchor's desk? What many of us probably have not fantasized about is standing in a line next to a talking anchorwoman and masturbating into her hair.

The movie opens with a normal news broadcast underway with an attractive woman in a yellow suit reading directly into the camera in Japanese. The woman goes about her normal business for a minute or two and then we're treated to a picture-in-picture view of her panty-clad crotch. After a few minutes of this the anchorwoman cuts to a reporter in the field who is investigating some sort of crazy doings at a sex toy shop with a mildly racist sign out front. The reporter heads inside and a dorky, but otherwise surprisingly normal looking shopkeeper shows her around the cramped corridors of the sex toy store. The reporter's interest is grabbed by a fake-vagina toy with genitals that are disturbingly small. She asks the shopkeeper for a demonstration and in a scene that is about as erotically charged as bathing in the fat runoff from a George Foreman grill the shopkeeper inserts his penis into the vagina toy and begins masturbating. The reporter gives a blow-by-blow of the event into her microphone and even pauses at times to assist the man in his dignity-shredding endeavor.

I'm shuddering all the way to the bank!Before the man can spew his tiny samurai legion onto the floor of the sex store, he suggests one of those creepy remote-controlled egg vibrators to the reporter. She obligingly lets him rub the vibrating egg all over the front of her pantyhose and then starts shucking clothing and trying out an assortment of other toys. Another guy comes out to assist and before you know it both he and the original shopkeeper are getting the oral treatment from cub reporter Sucky McFakepussy. They take turns assaulting her dismaying hirsute crotch with a variety of objects best categorized as "plunging" and then unburden themselves of roughly a teaspoon of semen each into her mouth. In classic Japanese porn tradition she stares blankly at the camera and drools into her hand.

The action returns to the news room where the sassy anchorwoman is continuing to drone on about inscrutable news items that will forever remain a mystery. This time as she reads from her script she begins a very workman-like strip tease with a maximum of clothing removal and a minimum of gyrations and pole-spins. Once she is almost naked (just some hosiery left) she returns to her seat and the news report ends.

Meanwhile, in the nearby editing room, a reporter or anchor or intern of some sort is called in by a lecherous male coworker. The guy - who is dressed about as professional as someone wearing a barrel and suspenders to a board meeting - asks the intern to read a script of some sort and commences with the boring molestation. I know the whole point of this movie it showing news women being molested, but there is something extremely tiresome about watching fifteen minutes of a guy finger banging a woman who has to pretend not to notice. I get enough of the "are you in?" shtick in real life, I would prefer my porno women to have their eyes rolled back in their heads, their tongues lolling out of their mouths like tired dogs, and their faces painted up like superfans at a Detroit Sexual Ecstasy football game.

Ah, the action behind the scenes can be as interesting as in front of the camera.When the woman finally gives in to the sheer pleasure of having her panties wedged deep enough to cause friction injury to her cervix she lets the bald and profusely sweating man start jamming fingers into her. If zero times any number didn't equal zero I would say that this part lasts about a thousand times longer than it should. After the vaginal and rectal temperatures have been taken, the greasy editor begins laying waste to the unshaven morass of the intern's vagina. Japanese women, please take some hints from much of Louisiana and Florida; they drained the fucking swamps for a reason. Sweaty, sticky, and tangled clumps of black pubic hair are so inviting you might as well leave a trail of skeletons leading to your vagina. This scene ends with yet another "blast and drool", a tradition dating back to 9th century Japanese rice-paper and calligraphy porn.

Back in the newsroom the anchor woman has changed into a nice dark suit and is once again reciting what I am sure are riveting current events items. Much to my surprise a few seconds into her monologue a man appeared from the left side of the screen with the tell-tale mosaic concealing his furious masturbation. Totally oblivious to this the anchor woman continues on with her Peabody-winning coverage even as the he begins ejaculating on her face and hair. This continues through an impressive four more men and the woman does not miss a beat until the fifth, when she pauses mid-sentence to turn and take a helping in the kisser. The instant the guy is done upending the cream pitcher, the anchorwoman turns back to the camera and continues on despite the slight cum-based speech impediment she now has.

The parade of eruptions continues through about 12 guys total before the newscaster - who by now looks more like a badly frosted carrot cake than a professional woman - throws to a reporter in the field.

Now we're getting somewhere. I guess.The field reporter is approaching a rustic wooden house and wearing a pair of pants so tight that her pores are visible through the fabric. Once inside things take a dramatic turn for the worse when the reporter begins talking to two much older men, one of whom is an invalid. After an interview the younger of the two men convinces the reporter to give the older man a washcloth bath. What was once newscaster-themed porn quickly becomes home health aid porn as the woman bathes the elderly man and, as a finale, lifts his legs in the air and wipes his ass thoroughly. Nothing is less arousing than seeing someone wipe an old man's ass; even if the old guy is a porn star who just got out of the shower.

Wiping an old guy's ass is only one step away from blowing him, so the reporter goes to town on him while the other guy mysteriously places his ear against her still-clothed ass. I guess he's listening for approaching trains. The old man quickly unleashes hell and the other guy strips the reporter's pants off and begins an assault from behind. All in all this scene makes for a handful of hilarious moments, particularly the expressions of the younger of the two men, but mostly it's fairly boring and somewhat disgusting.

Unfortunately, when the action cuts back to the studio it's to some skinny geek piecing together a ransom or hostage note of some sort. He then attacks the anchor woman, raping her and impressively getting her attention off the fucking teleprompter. This whole sequence is very confusing because the guy starts, stops, gets a phonecall, then some other guy comes in and helps out. I'm sure if you speak Japanese it might make a bite more sense, but THANK GOD I don't! Following a couple nauseating "cream pie" shots (if you don't know what that means don't try to find out) the film comes to an abrupt end.

Quick, put the pennies on the rail!The Horror: Nothing wakes up the senses to the cruel indifference of the world and the fact that each of us will die alone like seeing an old man having his ass wiped by a beautiful woman. I admit, if I make it to his age I hope to be having my ass wiped by at the very least a robotic version of a beautiful woman, possibly even a cyborg. That doesn't mean I want to ever see pornography of old men getting their asses wiped. If that's your thing, fine, you can have hundreds of DVDs filled with nothing but "erotic senior care", but don't stick your ass wiping scene in the middle of my perfectly normal "news anchor pretends not to notice people cumming on her" porn.

Bottom Line: I picked this film out based purely on the title and for once my instincts totally paid off. No, it wasn't particularly erotic, but it sure delivered in the dual "comedy" and "fucking insane" departments that I so treasure. As much as I know the Japanese and their myriad perversities I am still somewhat shocked that the whole jacking off on a news anchor thing proved popular enough to merit at least two sequels. Oh, who am I kidding? I think I will just consider myself lucky this didn't turn out to be a video about shitting on new casters.