Saloon Kiss

Oh those sassy Nazi doctors!"Saloon Kiss" immediately demonstrates its willingness to drop a lot of money on accurate Nazi uniforms with the opening sequence. This scene features several Nazis bustling about and conversing while a man wearing glasses and a black SS uniform watches over them. While this is happening a voice over plays explaining that cruel Nazi officers use their status and influence to force "beautiful young girls" to have sex with them. The instant the voice over is done the scene changes to a woman in a white lab-coat with a swastika arm band on wearing an SS hat and giving a blowjob to a mysterious SS officer. I assumed it was the guy in the glasses from the previous scene, but the filmmakers don't actually show the man's face until almost ten minutes of humping have transpired.

Two interesting things to note about this opening sex scene; the man never takes any of his clothes off, having sex through the zipper of his dress uniform and he also utilizes an unusual anal sex technique on the woman that involves straddling her back while she is on her hands and knees and repeatedly squatting to lower his penis. I am now convinced that this is how fascists have anal sex, but I will try to track down more fascist pornography to confirm or disprove this theory. It turns out the guy doing the humping is not actually the guy wearing the glasses from the previous scene but some other random jerk. The woman in the scene is surprisingly good-looking considering the horrible porn she has involved herself in. I'm sure American Nazi porn has slightly lower standards for their actresses centering mostly on their ability to restrain their gag reflex when a fat neo-Nazi reveals his genitalia.

The horrors of Nazi medical experiments.The next day/week/month/moment on the indeterminate porno timeline the glasses-wearing Nazi, the goofy guy from the previous scene and the blowjob doctor are overseeing some sort of hideous medical experiment. Three very un-Jewlike Jews are standing against a wall. The man is ordered to lie on the table and the doctor begins to perform a nauseating and horrific experiment on him that involves placing her mouth around his penis. After a few minutes of her torturing him like this she instructs one of the Jewish women to take over for her and begins conducting a similar experiment on the Nazi wearing the glasses. Who knew that the Nazis were THAT cruel?! My God!

The scene degenerates from blowjobs akimbo into partner swapping sex joined at the Sapphic embrace of the Nazi doctor and her forced Jewish assistant. The sequence comes to a climactic in with the SS officer ejaculating onto the Jewish woman and the Jewish man ejaculating onto the Nazi doctor, proving that Jews and Nazis can get along. It's about sharing and togetherness.

Later, in a cell, another Nazi officer forces himself on a huge-haired prisoner. For the first time we see some actual resistance to his evil Nazi advances, but he explains something in Italian that overwhelms her defenses. Before you know it she is sucking and humping enthusiastically through a by-the-numbers porno encounter on the bunk bed of her prison cell. This time around the Nazi officer actually strips out of most of his uniform, proving that shame over nudity does not necessarily apply to all male Nazis. By the end of the scene the woman seems quite eager to receive an Aryan face-basting.

Not all Jewish women in this movie instantly succumb to the advances of the evil Nazis.Back in the spooky lab area of the Nazi sex science facility the muscular Jewish man from the previous seen is led into a room naked and chained. The female doctor gives him an injection in his penis and then repeatedly mounts him in a variety of sexual positions. This is pretty boring by this point because these exact two people had sex earlier in almost the same circumstances and I didn't really need to see it again. I guess it's just some coital filler to take up time before the movie's epic climactic orgy sequence. It's worth noting that in many shots the muscular Jewish guy looks almost exactly like TV's "Coach", Craig T. Nelson.

The final sex scene in the movie is really the disturbing high point of "Saloon Kiss". It begins with a Nazi that looks sort of like Alec Baldwin sitting on a bed with one of the Jews dressed up like a 19th century Western prostitute. Pretty much the entire cast of the movie is present in the bordello like room, including two women who look to be flappers. Blowjobs break out like ebola in a hospital in Ghana and the room soon degenerates into crazed humping and partner swapping.

Two things are particularly unpleasant in this scene. The less horrifying is an exceedingly hairy Nazi having sex with a woman with pretty unkempt pubic hair. At one point their embrace looks almost exactly like the front end of a jumping spider about to pounce on a juicy fly. More disturbing than this was the saloon girl on the bed with the Nazi. After switching between several sexual positions they decide to engage in a little anal sex. After about a minute of this the man pulls his penis out and then reinserts it, at which point I spotted "it". "It" was a wad of fluid about the size of a quarter that quickly smeared across the woman's inner thigh. I'm still not completely sure what it was, but based on color and consistency I am leaning towards "bloody feces".

Alec Baldwin in his most shameful cameo since "The Adventures of Pluto Nash".Imagine the horror of masturbating to this scene and then coming across a wad of bloody shit being smudged across a woman's thigh. I know a few deviants who like that sort of thing, but for the non-commie majority of you out there it would probably put at least a temporary kibosh on the festivities. Why the editors left this shot in the movie is one of those bizarre mysteries that cannot yet be explained by science and religion only offers incomplete answers.

Following this twenty minute orgy in the faux whorehouse the muscular Jewish guy somehow escapes his captors long enough to sneak down a hallway and snap a Nazi guard's neck. He heads upstairs where he finds his girlfriend dressing. They enjoy a brief moment of reunion and then race outside into a well-groomed courtyard. Unfortunately, the glasses-wearing Nazi is hot on their heels, and as they reach a dead end he mercilessly guns them down. Thankfully them being shot to death is the last money shot of "Saloon Kiss".

The Horror: How can anyone deny the horror of the bloody turd? I understand that feces may sometimes be involved during anal sex. I understand that blood might occasional be an unfortunate byproduct of anal sex. I also understand there are these people called "editors", and even in pornography it is their job to ensure that things like blood and poop do not appear in most porn. I have to admit, I feel sort of bad picking this out as the worst thing in a Nazi porno, but you can't argue with a bloody smudge of shit.

Bottom Line: I came into "Saloon Kiss" expecting something as truly horrible as the non-stop sadism of "Ilsa". Instead I got a Nazi-run swinger's party. I mean seriously, I don't understand why Hercujew would want to escape, he could hardly turn a corner without getting a blowjob from that beautiful Nazi doctor. The fact is the "Nazi" theme was just a little bit of window-dressing and the book end to the plot of the movie. I'm not really criticizing that, as it's much more palatable than the electrocution and penis surgery of Ilsa. In fact, I'm counting myself lucky. Of course I still have two Ilsa sequels to review at some point, so I don't think anyone will be wanting to trade places with me.