IMPORTANT UPDATE #1:
A few issues I'd like to get out of the way before proceeding to today's inane bullshit:
Filming on Something Awful's first feature film will take place this upcoming weekend. Would you care to be a character in the upcoming smash hit cinematic masterpiece, "UFO Car"? It's a touching story about a psychic alien car, time traveling pirates, and giant cats who shoot lasers. If you live in the Southern California area (Orange County) and would like to have some part in the filming of this American classic, drop me an email. We're looking for people who can fill the following positions:
If you meet any of these criteria and are interested in being part of a groundbreaking cinematic masterpiece, please contact me. We're planning on shooting this Saturday and a bit Sunday, depending on the amount of lesbian sex scenes we can fit in. By the way, "lesbian sex scene."
IMPORTANT UPDATE #2:
I'm interested in printing up some more SA t-shirts. If you know of any good online t-shirt printing companies, email me with a link. Please do not suggest Cafe Press, because I find their shirt quality to be fairly crappy and their prices to be fairly high. I'm looking for some place that can do a batch run of about 800 shirts. Once again, NO CAFE PRESS. That is all!
Old News is Bad NewsGeorge Bush Jr. No wait, actually it isn't.
As everybody is painfully aware by this point, the US dropped a few hundred bombs on Iraq ten days ago. We've already covered the basics in a previous news update, but let me provide a brief overview for the 99% of you out there who choose to mentally block out the garbage we regularly write on this page. Iraq was simply sitting around, doing the normal junk that Iraq does, such as drive missile silos around their country and try to bounce radar signals off passing American planes so they can pick up AM radio and laugh at the callers on "The Dr. Laura Show." Iraq has pretty much given up trying to be a worldwide menace long ago, so they only things left for them to do include relocating their six remaining missile batteries and holding dirt parades for Saddam Hussein (where attendance is mandatory, under the penalty of having your youngest child fed to Saddam's elite camel squad). The only weapons of mass destruction that Iraq has left is their national television station, which produces such heartwarming dramas as "Who's Under the Veil?" and "Random People Who Spontaneously Break Into Dance For No Readily Apparent Reason."
So, as they say, it was quiet in Iraq... TOO quiet. George Bush Jr. took Saddam's silence as an indication that Iraq was possibly gearing up to combine the power of all their radar dishes to form one gigantic broadcasting station, thereby exposing the world to their horrid television programming, so Bush took initiative and decided to toss a couple hundred exploding devices at the radar dishes. All of this is old news and is probably failing to educate anybody out there. However, the aftermath of the recent bombing has exposed a few intensely interesting facts regarding America's nonstop bombing of Iraq:
1) Iraq's military is critically horrible. Think about it: each time the US bombs a new radar installation or weapons factory, the first press release to come out of Iraq details how "237 farmers and 86 children were killed in the blasts." Never once do any soldiers or military personnel explode; it's always kids and farmers. This brings up the following questions: is America experimenting with farmer-seeking-missiles? Is Iraq's entire military composed of children and people with pitchforks? Are all radar installations located in the middle of cabbage fields? The implications are staggering no matter which one turns out to be true.
For example, if Iraq has decided to integrate farmers into their nation's military program, the rest of the world could easily fall under Iraq's newfound might. Think about it: the last person you'd expect to start blowing shit up is the local neighborhood farmer (assuming your neighborhood has farmers to begin with). If I were to take a guess, I'd say that grain and pig feed stores are a couple of the locations least likely to be blown up in a fiery terrorist inferno of destruction. Iraqi weed pickers could easily infiltrate and take over the heartland of America, as they would be practically undetectable to their farming peers.
As you can plainly tell from the preceding example, there was little to no warning that FARMER #4 was an Iraqi soldier. In fact, you probably didn't even guess there was going to be a FARMER #4 in the conversation, and the inclusion of this character caught you completely offguard. This shows how clever and tricky Iraqi farmers can be and why the US needs to step up its immigration policies to weed out these particular agents of terror (get it? "Weed" out? Ha ha!). I'm thinking something along the lines of "have you now or ever been a member of the farming party?" type of inquisitions at international airports, right after they ask you if any of your luggage is packed full of plastique. Phase two of this anti-terrorist plan would involve shooting on sight anybody talking about either radar dishes or lettuce.
2) George Bush Jr. really hates Iraq. I can't think of one legitimate reason as to why Bush still despises this little country whose chances of making a long range nuclear weapon are slimmer than Northern Ohio suddenly becoming a major world power via mail order self-hypnosis tapes. The only heinous crimes that Iraq is currently responsible for is picking on its own citizens, and every country these days does that. Heck, an hour doesn't go by when the Chinese police fail to beat and rape a few hundred thousand elderly fishermen, yet you don't see us bombing the Chinese. Why? Because Chinese cities are way too close together and the with the US's piss-poor bomb dropping abilities, we'd be lucky if they even hit the ground, much less a military installation. On the flip side, virtually everything in China is a military installation, including the churches and warehouses that produce those really tiny little shorts featured in "Gamera" films, so that might help our chances a little bit more. So I can't imagine why we don't bomb China too. Maybe their flag looks too cool.
But why does Bush Jr. despise Iraq so much? We can't be bombing Iraq because we're angry that Saddam treats his people like crap.
So it's apparent that the whole Iraqi farmer situation has gotten completely out of hand and now threatens to tear our country apart. What was once a simple oil producing menace has now turned into a complex oil producing menace. Plus the menace is capable of wearing overalls and destroying key grain silos that are probably important to the national security of grain. This might not be such a major issue, but I have reliable sources claiming that the US military is stationing soldiers in seemingly-innocent looking barns throughout the Midwest. Do yourself a favor and check to see if your corn is ticking.
Yes, Cliff Does Hate You
Okay, Cliff Yablonski missed last week's update because he was celebrating President's Day and had a little "accident" at the lake. However, the old bastard is back and at it again, here with six new pages of people he doesn't seem to really care for. Like always, here's the email that wily ol' coot sent to me. What a joker!
Short, sweet, and to the point, like Cliff's updates! Take a look at today's collection of human dregs, scumballs, and wastes of skin. You'll regret it if you don't. Or if you do.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.