Ring Out

Game Plot: Ring Out lacks much of anything resembling a back story, it just throws you into the action with Aya getting taken from her parent's house by a sinister "man in black" and taken to the locker room of a Pro Lesring establishment. The elite of Japan meet there to watch young women in their underwear "wrestle" each other. Wrestling involves you trying to do wrestling moves and them rubbing your crotch while you scream "Nooo…auuugggnnhh…". The first person you have a match against is the fiery Wildcat Homma, who is all too pleased to be your first opponent. Her touch is gentle compared to the champion and apparently only other Pro Lesler Queen Mika, who bursts into the ring mid-match like La Parka with a chair. She dismisses Homma and takes you on herself, with more completely failed attempts at "lariats" and "brain busters" followed by crotch rubbing.

The catch of Pro Lesring is that any time you lose a match you have to be the slave of your opponent. This means after being defeated by Queen Mika you are treated to a sequence involving an enema, rape with a studded strap-on, and shitting in a wrestling ring. If that's not a family entertainment trifectas then get Disney on the horn because they have some editing to do for "Snow Dogs 2."

In between matches the plot advances by having you sit in an empty locker-room and think about how shitty this game is. Aya sits there and you go through menu choice after choice of her saying "oh how embarrassing". It's really exciting! Then you get to do the whole prostitute thing and get frisky with a naked fat guy, well naked except for a bow tie. The opportunities for self-betterment this game presents you with are incredible, you can learn all of life's most difficult lessons like "struggling during a rape means you get raped by someone else too".

The game was pretty damn short so I beat it twice. There are at least two endings. The first ending I got featured Aya having sex with bow-tie fatty and then deciding men are for the birds and getting busy with the nurturing Wildcat Homma. The second ending I got takes the game farther and Aya has sex with the blue-haired male Pro Lesring business owner and Queen Mika and then decides that Pro Lesring is the best ever. Both of these are life lessons that you can take away from this game, making it every bit as valuable to a spiritual education as reading passages from the Bible every night before bed.

Take your pick of exciting high-flying moves that serve absolutely no purpose!Gameplay: Generic Hentai "look and think" menus ahoy! The game could have actually had some very slight semblance of fucking entertainment if the wrestling had say ported the cutting-edge NES "Pro Wrestling" engine. Just replace Star Man with a woman with a strap on and The Amazon with a woman holding enema bags and there you go. Instead the makers of Ring Out decided to keep everything in the same easy to use shitastic interface. You can't win any of the wrestling matches. You just execute moves, the screen goes black and you read that your move fails utterly, and then if your opponent decides that it's time to rub your crotch it shows a picture of your opponent rubbing Aya's crotch. If your idea of a fun game is clicking through long menus over and over again for the reward of seeing a 256 color bitmap of a crotch, then Ring Out comes highly recommended.

Difficulty: The game within the game, Pro Lesring, is impossible, but since you're not intended to win in the first place that's irrelevant. "Ring Out" overall is extremely difficult. You have to have incredible reserves of patience to not hit Alt-F4 during every "exhaust the menu options" sequence and incredible reserves of self control to not throw your monitor out the third story window of your apartment in Chicago. The carrot they dangle in front of you is the chance to see another string of enema bags shoved up your character's ass, and for me at least that just doesn't cut it.

What a delightful game!Defining Moment: The in-ring enema sequence. From the first bag shoved up Aya's ass to the climactic bitmap featuring partially mosaic obscured feces spraying from her backside it was a tour de force of defining moment. Even among Hentai games things can take place that make you say to yourself "oh, it's one of THOSE kinds of games". This was definitely that moment.

I would just like to take a second to point something out to all of the people who incessantly e-mail me asking "where can I get this game?!" You are horrible human beings for wanting to play any of these games. I do these reviews as a public service to all of mankind so that no one has to experience the perversion or more importantly the tedium of one of these shit-fests. I find all of the games by searching on either KaZaA or Google, so you can do the same just as easily. Besides, when you e-mail me asking for it I immediately add your name to a list that I send to the FBI once a month. If you really want to see people getting enemas I suggest you save yourself the agony of going through all of the menus in this game and just do a search for images of women getting enemas. If you want to play the game for medical advice on how to administer enemas then I apologize and will of course provide you with a link to where I got the game.

A modest man who knows how to dress for success.Final Thoughts: I've used this section of my reviews in the past to ponder the cultural implications of Hentai games, but I think I've done more than enough of that. Instead I have been thinking about the companies that are producing these games. How does a concept like "Pro Lesring" make it from a morning meeting with the development team all the way to a finished product? I understand the process involved in creating the game itself. I fail to understand how someone throws out "Pro Lesring" as a game theme at a meeting and everyone just sort of nods and then like 3 hours later after all of the art, programming, and text has been finished they have a game.

What themes for Hentai games could possibly be getting rejected other than the obvious non-sexual ones? I have this image in my head of six Japanese guys sitting around a table brainstorming and one of them pipes up with "well, we haven't done a game about a robot that eats shit and has dildos for eyes yet". They all sit quietly; a few even nod their heads thinking it's a good idea, but finally the CEO or chairman or Insane Sex Concept Lead Developer nixes the idea and they move on. The only problem is, I can't really imagine them turning down a shit-eating dildo-eyed robot concept, I can't think of anything they would say no to.