As you all know, we're weeks-deep into our journey down the Road to Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania, of course, is the magnum opus of professional wrestling - the best sport in existence, with oiled-up muscle men and women doing powerful ballet. This year, John Cena (the New York Yankees of WWE) takes on The Rock (the Dwayne Johnson of the WWE) in a rematch that last year was billed as "Once in a lifetime." Well, I must have died and gone to Heaven because here we are again!
The goal of any professional wrestler is to "get over," meaning to get a reaction from the crowd (whether positive or negative, "face" or "heel"). Unless they are as charismatic as Hulk Hogan or a sideshow attraction like Andre the Giant, most wrestlers need a gimmick to get over. Fortunately for you, dear readers, and for the WWE creative team members who are undoubtedly reading this, FYAD came up with characters guaranteed to get a reaction from wrestling fans and non-fans alike!
A guy whgo think Ansel Adams "rules" and is dressed like a scorpion
a tag team that rides a tandem bicycle to the ring and also inside the ring
a guy that loves to grapple and cant stop talking about grappling and it gets kinda uncomfortable
a guy who always talks about defending his house from zombies and carries a concealed gun into the ring
luchador who honestly believes hes masked, but hes not. its a psychological mask he wears, and its ok to take it off and be himself
a girl in a fatsuit who does a heel turn when she gets "plastic surgery"
little fluffy muffy
Two Time Champion: he has been the champion twice. He is feared by even champions. He also has an award for cheating on his wife. He is the best at cheating on her and she is conflicted about it because she is proiud of his success
Top Bunk Wanker
guy who misunderstood his trainer at wrestling school and keeps getting disqualified for bringing a clothesline into the ring and trying to whip people with it
an autistic tightrope walker who snaps and unleashes brutal elbow bombs on anyone who tries to make him stop runnng around the ring on the top rope
blonde guy with long hair who chugs Stone IPA - Arrogant Bastard Ale on his way to the ring
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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