Bug Eater 2: Cockroach Eating Girl

At a Glance:The title of Bug Eater 2: Cockroach Eating Girl is accurate in describing this movie's content in the same way receiving a telegram about the death of your mother might accurately describe her brutal murder and dismemberment. It informs you in the broadest sense, but it does not prepare you or reflect the magnitude of pathos involved. It's just a label that puts into words an indescribable psychic pain: there it is, it happened, but you will never know just how bad the truth can feel until you've immersed yourself in it. Whether you're poring over crime scene photos or watching the girl suck a dick through a mash of chewed up roaches, say goodbye to who you once were. Nation of Origin: Hell by way of Japan. Languages: Japanese, shrill shrieking, and the amplified clacking of insects. Sexual Content: The heavy mosaic censoring used goes a long way to demonstrate that there is far worse imagery out there than a full-on shot of a hairy vagina. However, the mosaic is a small mercy when the cockroaches are crawling around on the hairy vaginas.

Long live the new chitin! A lot of folks emailed me and wondered how I would be able to continue reviewing horrible pornographic movies after SWAP.avi, the magnum opus of horrible porn. I look down on everyone who reads this terrible column, so I didn't answer any of their emails, but if I had deigned to reply I might have agreed. I had wondered to myself on more than one occasion what I could hope to find that would give competition to a movie about women pooping and puking in each other's butts. Then I wondered why I would even try to find it.

Maybe nothing can really top SWAP.avi, but I feel pretty confident that Bug Eater 2: Cockroach Eating Girl gives it a run for its filth-drenched money.

This is a film about a girl who eats cockroaches in much the same way Eraserhead is a film about a baby. In our modern post-Fear Factor gastronomic epoch we find ourselves relatively inured to mouths filled with live whip scorpions and pickled horse pussies. Eating a few cockroaches might not be fodder for your next solo jam session, but it can't be all that bad, right? Right?!

Wrong, motherfucker.

The movie starts with a cooing Japanese girl talking to a man on her phone. I couldn't understand their wretched language, but contextually they seemed to be having a conversation about sexual fantasies. Their hands drift to their respective junks and they set to work. The phone and the man in another location are both soon forgotten to focus on the girl's method of self-pleasuring. That's nothing bad, other than the woman's uncanny ability to act like she is being raped even when she is masturbating.

Her fantasy soon takes the shape of a disturbing video effect overlayed onto a male actor that makes him looks like a screensaver with a blurry penis. She has sex with this Videodrome reject and his new flesh, before curling up with semen on her face for a nice nap. She dreams of exterminators facing off against a giant roach in a truly horrible blue screen sequence, even by porn standards. When this ends the movie enters its "cockroach eating" phase and is neatly divided into three disturbing scenarios.

Scenario One: Two men and a little lady and a terrarium full of cockroaches

Really?! For me? Is it my birthday already? The descent into horror begins with two forlorn men in safety goggles and full-exterminator suits sitting next to each other on a couch. Their penises are sticking out of the suits and they are masturbating. Between their feet on the floor sits a terrarium full of cockroaches.

The movie's opening sequence, while strange, had built up a false sense of security. Even so, I could not fail to feel a sense of trepidation at this ominous opening. I learned a long time ago in herpetology school that jacking off next to a terrarium is never a good idea no matter how much protective clothing you wear.

The dainty little lady enters in a dainty little outfit. She looks a little thizz-faced, possibly because of her ill-advised coupling with the human scrambled porno channel in the first scene, but she takes up her position on the couch between the two naughty exterminators. She gives them a little helping hand, but in moments they introduce her to the terrarium full of roaches. She overcomes her innate human hatred of cockroaches and gamely begins yanking the huge bugs out of their happy home.

The two main roaches in this scene have been secured to some sort of tether, allowing both the woman and the men to dangle them as they please. The woman has first dibs and she begins by dropping the roaches onto the guys' penises. They squirm and act horrified, but most of it is concealed beneath the mosaic so this part isn't all that bad.

I can tie it into a perfect knot using only my...that's not a cocktail cherry!! The girl strips down and the men take turns dangling the roaches onto her naked body. The little rapscallions dig their claws into her tender flesh and strain at their leashes. At times they scamper dangerously close to her lower orifices, prompting some peeps of dismay from their host. The men continue masturbating throughout this ordeal and the woman occasionally uses her mouth to stimulate them as she dangles a roach onto their penis or her hand.

Eventually, the men both let loose the juice. They deploy their flagellating friends onto the roaches which are, in turn, perched on the young lady. One roach gets a healthy shellacking of its thorax and the other shares a facial with everyone's favorite little bug eater. Once they're thoroughly brined, the young lady pops them into her mouth and chows down. She chews them up and spits the roaches out on the floor. The camera zooms in on their saliva-coated remains as their sundered bodies twitch reflexively.

Scenario Two: Cooking with Bug Eater and Naked Fat Guy

FoodTV is getting desperate ever since the Two Fat Ladies died. If the previous scene had an ominous beginning, this one portends the apocalypse. The Bug Eater girl is dressed only in a cooking apron and is standing in front of a table covered with various sauces and cooking implements. In this little drama a blender serves as Chekhov's Gun. At Bug Eater's side is a naked fat guy. Had Chekhov been a better playwright he might have developed a device about naked fat guys as well. The terrarium full of bugs - sans two roaches - has also returned.

The little cooking show begins with Bug Eater explaining how she is going to use the various devices and sauces to ruin Naked Fat Guy's day. If I spoke Japanese her instructional speech might have ruined my day as well, but I didn't have long to wait for that to happen. She fires up a hot plate and begins heating a wok. Once it's ready to cook she drops in a handful of live cockroaches. They hiss and pop and spring onto their backs, their legs flailing impotently as Bug Eater pan-sears her insect friends. Naked Fat Guy reacts with suitable horror to the proceedings, Bug Eater just smiles and chirps.

Bug Eater adds roughly a dozen more roaches and a healthy splash of soy sauce to the mix. The roaches brown up nicely and she serves one to Naked Fat Guy on a spoon with what appears to be mayonnaise. He does not want, so she chews it up and spits it into his mouth. Then she grabs a live roach and dips it into some sort of fruit jelly. She takes it out and pops it into her mouth and they begin swapping the jelly roach (still living) back and forth between them.

Man, I've been to some nasty Indian restaurants, but this curry is ridiculous! Then things start getting a little gross.

Bug Eater starts filling Naked Fat Guy's underpants with cooked roaches. Once they're full she starts chewing up the roaches in his underpants, smashing them, and then giving him oral sex. Then she takes handfuls of dead and live cockroaches and shoves them into her panties. After a few smashed roaches and several scurrying roaches have filled her panties she starts masturbating with the legs of a live cockroach. It looks like her panties are filled with cockroach diarrhea. Naked Fat Guy sticks his tongue down there.

The duo fill the blender with their underpants roaches and look on with glee as Bug Eater reaches for the button. She presses it and the roaches leap away from the blade in a momentary escape from their demise. A split-second later, gravity overcomes them and they fall back to their whirring death. The mash of gore they produce is too solid for the purposes of Bug Eater, so she adds a cup or two of water. A few pulses of the old Cuisinart reduce them to a milky green soup.

Naked Fat Guy refuses the broth, preferring to rock the soup baby-bird style in a stream vomited from Bug Eater's mouth. She then lays him out on his back and begins gulping roach broth and spewing it all over his face, chest and groin. She ends by dumping the dregs on her head.

Scenario Three: Roach Motel

Hooray! The third and, thankfully, final scenario in this vile epic takes place inside a plastic-draped Thunderdome of insect horror. The whole crew of guys in exterminator suits are present to upend large boxes full of crickets and cockroaches onto a mattress laid out on the floor. Bug Eater strips out of a barely-there mesh costume and begins rolling around on the bugs with one of the exterminators. He strips off his outfit and the pair smash an entire generation of crickets beneath them while the other exterminators toss bunches of bugs on top of them.

Bug Eater and her latest romance go through the motions of a more conventional sex scene. Bug Eater occasionally pauses to slurp a roach up from the mattress or position a cricket on her breasts. When the man can no longer take the unrelenting ecstasy of her buggy embrace he pulls out of her and his trumpets of semen are joined by a veritable confetti storm of roaches thrown by the other exterminators.

Just when I thought sure the movie had reached its last climax and was winding down it had to throw me one last horrible curve ball. Bug Eater kneels on the mattress and begins peeing. Her urine soaks the mattress and the wounded roaches struggle to heave themselves free of the spreading yellow lake. Bug Eater lays down in her own filth, atop a mound of dead insects, and begins slurping up living cockroaches stewing in her piss.

My gag is barely suppressed. Ladies and gentlemen, if SWAP.avi has not met its match then it has at least met a contender.

The Horror: From the pansy standpoint of someone who dislikes smashing bugs, the horror in this movie occurs when they drop live cockroaches into the hot wok. The roaches do not immediately die. They flop onto their backs and begin smoldering as their legs desperately squirm for escape. It's over pretty quickly and no worse than boiling a lobster, but it happens to a lot of roaches and they don't put the lid on the simmering pot to hide the last moments of insect agony.

For a broader audience unmoved by cruelty to insects I would have to say that nothing can top the movie's finale, not even the horror panties. Peeing on live insects and then eating them and pee is just like a trump card the movie plays. Actually the movie is just a long sequence of successively worse trump cards, but this is the final one they play so it is truly the most horrible.

The Bottom Line: During that memorable final scene in the 1968 version of Planet of the Apes Charlton Heston rides up to a slagged version of the Statue of Liberty and shouts, "We finally really did it!" It's the realization of the fears of the Cold War era. Mankind has been reduced to animal rabble and the modern symbol of liberty and democracy is half-melted and washed up on a beach in the Forbidden Zone.

If humanity ultimately cannot escape its nature then here is our generation's slagged Statue of Liberty. Sink to your knees, gentle humans, and weep at the ruin of our time. We finally really did it.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)