I'll be the first to admit I love terrible movies. Now I'm sure it will come as an absolute shock to many of you when I reveal I possess horrible taste in motion pictures, but I feel my outlook towards cinematic turds benefits me in many unique ways.
For example, if you rent a movie expecting it to be bad, there is no possible way to be disappointed after watching it. Secondly, the movies you want to watch are almost always in stock because, honestly, who the hell wants to rent "Silo Killer?" I don't even think the people who made the movie want to rent it or live through the agony of experiencing the most crudely demeaning moments of their life over and over again like a perverse version of "Groundhog Day."
Additionally, bad movies contain a certain element of unintentional humor which makes them so wonderful. You know the director and cast really wanted to make a good movie, but the good Lord felt otherwise and shrewdly denied them sufficient talent and resources to make the zombie versus aliens versus dinosaurs versus tanks movie of their dreams. So without further ado, I'd like to present the 10 Best Worst Movies in existence. These are videos and DVDs which are so unintentionally terrible that you can't help but laugh your ass off at the piss-poor attempt to create a coherent picture that successfully hides the fishing wire when the monkey puppet attacks the main character.
Directed By: Richard Gabai
Starring: Chyler Leigh, Christopher Khayman Lee
"Kickboxing Academy" is an epic tale of rival kickboxing schools brawling in an all-out battle to determine supremacy in southern Florida. Oh wait, no, actually it's just a film about a bunch of uncoordinated doughy white teenagers making horrible puns and flailing around like spastic frogs thrown onto an electrical grid for 90 minutes. The good kickboxing school, represented by white outfits and white signs, is in danger of closing down because their lease is owned by an evil banker friendly with the evil kickboxing school, represented by black outfits and black signs. This is because all blacks are evil.
The evil kickboxing teacher is a brain damaged Vietnam veteran who is comical in the same way that seeing a blind orphan lit on fire and raped by a used furniture salesman is comical. There's a few inane subplots, such as a little kid who gets threatened by a bully every day so he decides to take kickboxing courses which give him confidence and teach him the true meaning of love and then he goes on to become Mayor of Atlantis or something. Also there are two nerdy kids that decide to take kickboxing lessons because they are disgusting and hate life, and a former kickboxing prodigy who quit the sport because he accidentally killed somebody to death in competition, along with some kind of romantic triangle which is simultaneously uninteresting and boring at the same time.
The forced jokes spouted off by the cardboard actors in this movie are so god awful that they actually become funny in a sick, twisted way that is almost a parody of itself. I can't even begin to explain how comically embarrassing the actual fighting scenes look in this movie, so I'll just attempt to summarize them with the following:
THERE IS NO KICKBOXING ANYWHERE IN THE MOVIE.
Yes, that is correct, the movie named "Kickboxing Academy" contains absolutely zero kickboxing. Does that give you a good idea of how poorly made this movie is? If you make the decision to actually try to watch this disasterpiece, pay close attention to the end where the evil Vietnam veteran kickboxing teacher has a nervous breakdown and begins firing a machine gun at random during the "kickboxing" match. In the first couple shots, he is holding a M4. Then, in the subsequent shot, it magically transforms into a Tec 9 submachinegun, which looks completely different. I hate it when my guns do that.
Directed By: John Fasano
Starring: Clara Peter, Jesse D' Angelo
What do you get when you combine a talentless 80s metal hair band with Satan? Who the fuck knows, but it can't be worse than this movie. Famous metal band "Triton" is preparing for their big leap to stardom by traveling to Canada and recording a series of smash hits in an abandoned barn / recording studio which was previously owned by a family killed by Satan. If you were curious as to how Satan murdered this innocent family of three, allow me to reveal his deadly secret to you: he came out of the oven when the wife was cooking breakfast. This teaches us a valuable lesson: if you don't want to have your entire family slaughtered by the dark lord, don't use the oven.
Triton is led by John Triton, a 300-pound beefcake who gives off more homosexual undertones than every episode of "Queer as Folk" combined. Satan and his crew of horrifically wacky demons possess and kill off the roughly 500 members of Triton in various gruesome and predictable ways, which may not be very gruesome but are quite predictable. A couple sock puppets take the lead as the most memorable characters throughout the film, choosing to spit in peoples' coffee and fly through the air like, well, sock puppets.
If you are in a hurry and don't have the time or patience to sit through the first 75 minutes of this movie, feel free to skip to the last 10 minutes, where the entire plot of the film is finally revealed. If you don't have the spare brain cells to even do that, I'll just sum it up for you here: it turns out John Triton is an archangel named "The Intercessor" who flew down to Earth to keep Satan in check and make sure he doesn't "overstep his bounds." I guess that somehow involves letting ol' Scratch murder a few hundred innocent people first, but the Lord works in mysterious ways. The Intercessor and Satan engage in a saucy deathmatch while heavy metal music rocks in the background and rubber satanic starfish are thrown around, seemingly at random. Thank god for The Intercessor. (Full review here...)
it's hard to shake the feeling that I've always got five stars in this Grand Theft Auto known as life.
Now, inexplicably, season three is looming over us like some sort of dome. Season one's plot asked whether or not the town could get out from under the dome. Apparently the answer was "no". Season two asked "I guess we're really stuck, huh?" and the answer was "yup".
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