LARA VERTIGO, submitted by Emre. Okay, now I'll be the first to admit that I don't have any idea what fuels the Lara Croft phenomenon. Knowing that people actively masturbate to a set of orange-tinted polygons ranks up there with Pauly Shore films in terms of "intense pity." "Lara Vertigo" takes the Lara Croft obsession to dangerous new plateaus, offering the insanity in both English AND Italian, which is the language of both love and psychotic obsession with pixels.

A metallic clic, a furtive look towards the door, a little pressure on the cover, a shifting of two zips..."It' s opened, it' s opened at last.... Oh God, my God..."

A button to push, a light and worrying shaking inside the box followed by a sudden buzz, a blink of the eyes to compensate for the bright, dazzling light coming out in the dark of the little cell and then the computer screen was brought on line.

"Tomb Raider XII. Adventures of Lara Croft,"... whispered Lucas every time he opened the small notebook.

If this remarkably un-erotic George Lucas / Lara Croft fan fiction doesn't do it for you, make sure to feast your eyes upon the Lara Croft photo gallery, which is neither a gallery nor does it contain photos. Let me leave you with the following deep and touching words:

Lara is a star of our time. And for the first time in the history of the Glamour she is a star that whoever with a program of computer graphics can modify, to improve, and finally to strip...

Our civilization has finally hit the apex, folks. When you can make computer generated women strip, you know that you've safely landed on the top.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@lowtax)

More Awful Link of the Day

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.